Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

How are they doing? Perhaps they have stuff going on that you don’t see?

A SO is just like you and the hard part is being able to share and open up. Because sometimes it isn’t right in a relationship and you can feel even lonelier.

> Wow, beautiful writing. You know how to use words well.

Thank you for the compliment, I am trying to improve my English continuously.

> As with anything in live communication, relationship, friendship needs to be a two ways street otherwise it won’t be of true value for either side or won’t work in the long run.

I think so too, although true value can take odd or unexpected shapes at times. Being open towards your own expectations is important.

> You need to explain yourself to other people, you have to help them to understand you, you need to learn to communicate who you are.

This is rather difficult in some cases because it requires not only that you understand yourself but that others understand themselves. For certain personality types, it is actually healthier to give up on the idea of having everyone understand you and the worrying that accompanies that. In other words, loneliness can actually increase because some will simply not understand you. It isn’t in their personality’s makeup, and frustration will arise in wondering why they can’t understand you.

There is no one golden rule when it comes to personalities, loneliness, and self understanding. I recommend understanding your enneagram type, as it’s a great start into investigating your personality and self introspection.

"Only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally" - Chris Rock.

It's not as transactional as to be loveless. It's conditional love.

> It should be made clear that this is unacceptable and needs to change, but also that you are willing to give it time and work with your SO to help them gradually improve their empathetic capacity so that they can be a better partner to you (and better person in general) and keep your relationship healthy.

When I wrote my sibling comment it didn't come to mind, but this is exactly part of what I'm feeling as well - a strong lack of empathy on the part of my partner. It could be due to an underdeveloped insula or orbitofrontal cortexes from some of the reading I've done. This falls in line with my understanding of them having an avoidant attachment style, too, which generally I've heard is also due to being underdeveloped, compared to avoidant and securely attached individuals.

I also likely exhibit "too much" empathy myself, which is a heck of a pairing. It's not easy for me to feel like I need to "tune down" how receptive I am to my partners every little issue or negative expression and try to be there for them - but it is just so unequal otherwise, sometimes to both of our detriment. I am guessing also I need to give them space to feel negative feelings before jumping in so quickly.

I have been direct with my partner in the past about my needs not being met, as you suggest, but I think the conversation needs to happen again (and again?) as reminders and check-ins maybe? It doesn't feel good to have to do this though, especially during moments of distress when I really need them.

> We went to couples therapy for many years with no improvement, until eventually they realized it was serious enough of a problem to lead to the end of the relationship, prompting them to put in the necessary effort to change

In your case, was it truly just a matter of willpower on the part of your partner? How have things been since?

Since you seem more well read on the subject than myself: are there exercises or skills to help build someones empathetic capacity? Anything I can do (perhaps without involving/telling my partner directly) to help them? Behaviors of my own that I can change to get us going in the right direction?

Can I get this change from my partner without threatening the relationship itself as you had to do? I feel like that would undermine all the effort and reassurance I've put in, that they so badly need to help develop and feel safe.