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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#281

Post by bgroat »

krageon wrote: post #274
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it This is true, but only if you're attractive and somewhat charismatic. I would say that means it doesn't apply to the majority of people (who are plain or ugly and not particularly charismatic or actively repulsive).

I'd say it's true if you're aren't unattractive (basically nail personal grooming), and are somewhat interested in someone else.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#282

Post by granshaw »

steve_adams_86 wrote: post #203
throwaway_4ever wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Whichever meaning, NPC is a recent insidious method of dehumanizing people that ranks right up there with labels like "pigs," "rats," and "cockroaches." This tactic is essentially a first prerequisite for mass violence. It's sure to increase incidences of mentally ill shooters viewing everyone around them as bots in a video game. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/26330024209169... https://www.npr.org/2011…

I was extremely disheartened to hear my son describe someone as an NPC the other day. It really only functions to belittle and negatively categorize people. Worse still is that if someone truly does lack cognitive ability such that they do “follow the script”, the last thing they need is someone perhaps only marginally more intelligent to identify and discriminate their deficits. It’s just a miserable lens to view ot…

Its no excuse, since kids in other countries seem to be better at this, but... "kids will be mean"

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#283

Post by lbschenkel »

rchaud wrote: post #278
ChuckNorris89 wrote: post #245

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>or i'm at coffee shop now, want to stop by and catch up. this is how you can turn casual associates into friends. This is not my experience at all in my new host country. I tried this a lot and never got anyone to join. People here seem to have their schedule pre-planned, and expect you to schedule meetups in advance if you want them to join you. Sending texts like "I'm having a coffee in town, join me if you want"…

I've heard the same about Nordic countries, and to be perfectly honest, it would be similar in many North American cities as well.

As a Brazilian living in a Nordic country and working in a different Nordic country, I can corroborate that the expectation from the locals here is that everything in planned in advance (with plenty of notice: 1 week or more); I can also corroborate that Brazilians in general do things spontaneously.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#284

Post by WallabyEV »

bgroat wrote: post #13
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

I found positive social interaction as a baseline really rings true - a smile and the nod type thing - post-lockdown in Texas. Great to practice manners again and laugh at mixing up direction of traffic in the grocery store. Bumbling around in a mask in a hurry was not pleasant, this is nicer so I behave the same!

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#285

Post by valarauko »

afr0ck wrote: post #252
valarauko wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What are you contrasting the "West" with? As a person who lived most of his life in an Asian country with a very strong familial and social construct, I can say that there were no shortage of lonely, broken people there - we as a society just did a better job of hiding it. Perhaps the sense of failure and isolation may have slightly different causes, but that is not to say that Western society is somehow uniquely bro…

I would never say it's uniquely broken. Loneliness and isolation probably exist in every corner of the world. The thing is that the West gets almost everything done right IMHO. It's an amazing place to be. However, the connection and social part of it is not going anywhere. Families are one of the best constructs to build life-long fullfilling relationships, but everyone is giving up on them now. People are not getti…

I have to agree with the sibling commentator - the freedom to choose the level of engagement with family and society in the West is what drives many of us from the East to leave our homes. I also do not think the Eastern way is a good default for most people. It clearly works for lots of people, but it also comes at a great price for a lot of people. There are aspects of any traditional culture that can be stifling, especially if you don't happen to be at the top of your specific privilege pyramid. Rigid social hierarchy, lack of upward mobility, and discrimination are also deeply ingrained within traditional strong social constructs. Yes, the sense of belonging to the family & society is strong, but it's only a positive if your family values you - which isn't always a given. Yes, the Western social construct as it exists now is prone to certain weaknesses, but I don't think we can make value judgements on which is objectively better for most people. I have siblings who are very happy to remain in your homeland, and I have siblings who left - both would likely be unhappy if circumstances were reversed.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#286

Post by granshaw »

afr0ck wrote: post #124
tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

It breaks my heart to see Western people living such lives. I love the West for so many reasons, but the social construction is a complete broken mess. Family and community is completely destroyed. People live and work only for themselves. The amount of loneliness and isolation is just mind blowing and unbearable. IMO, it's a selfish lifestyle. People who manage to make great success (due to a combination of lack, in…

As someone who moved from SE Asia awhile ago, agree 100%:

  - Parents can't wait to kick their kids out once they're college age
  - A societal sense of embarressment if you're *still* living with your parents
  - No night-time social options to speak of unless you want to drink/party (everything closes early - no midnight cafes or the like)
  - Macho and bully culture all the way through high school leading to polar extremes in kids' social circles
  - Everything has been financialized. There is no community to help out with _anything_. You have to pay for _everything_
  - Suburbia abound, both kids and parents can't walk anywhere – kids are trapped in their homes and parents become defacto Uber drivers
  - There's this weird sense of "keeping boundaries", making it hard to make friends with your neighbors etc
  - Domestic help (eg live-in maids) are very expensive relative to cost-of-living and relative to some Asian countries, and kindof culturally taboo – parents are expected to parent completely on their own

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#287

Post by krumpet »

I've always assumed it was the lack of BIG things happening that limits the depth of friendships. With my childhood friends, we went through so much growing up together (family deaths, relationships, breakups, make ups, divorces, death of classmate, arguments, school, sitting around together for hours just hanging out, etc.)

Those sorts of events really deepen a friendship. I don't experience anything like that with my adult "friends". That limits how friendly we can realistically be. Sure, I've made friends as an adult, but they're just people I know and enjoy seeing once in a while.

Maybe having really deep relationships as a child makes it that much harder to make friends as an adult as they suffer by comparison.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#288

Post by throwaway_4ever »

aabceh wrote: post #263
throwaway_4ever wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Whichever meaning, NPC is a recent insidious method of dehumanizing people that ranks right up there with labels like "pigs," "rats," and "cockroaches." This tactic is essentially a first prerequisite for mass violence. It's sure to increase incidences of mentally ill shooters viewing everyone around them as bots in a video game. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/26330024209169... https://www.npr.org/2011…

Do you see the irony in having the meaning of words being completely preprogrammed by what someone else want you to think and feel in a discussion about the word NPC? You know, context matters.

NPC has always meant a non-human in a video game. What's new is applying it to people in the real world; it's textbook dehumanization. This is literally how many people use the word, as another commenter below experienced multiple times. It serves zero purpose for me to go around thinking "NPC means X", when everyone else is "NPC means Y."

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#289

Post by krumpet »

bgroat wrote: post #114
krumpet wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think this is highly dependent on luck. If you're friendly and happen to live near other, outgoing, friendly families, then the odds of befriending them are higher. It also helps to have a friendly spouse (it helps a LOT).

Luck is an interesting element. My best friend for 20 years (we've since fallen out of touch), was someone I met in kindergarten? How did we become friends? My surname starts with a "G" and his starts with an "H" so we were seated next to each other

I had the same experience in 6th grade with a friend who moved to Michigan from Iowa. Last names "M" and "O" put us next to each other in class and the rest is history I suppose.

It feels corny to say, but you really can't make old friends.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#290

Post by Denzel »

legerdemain wrote: post #169
Denzel wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You captured two of the author's points well: 1) more vulnerable, intimate conversations that eschew social norms can lead to more and deeper friendships; and 2) to grow deeper connections you should cast a wide net and filter down based upon compatibility. The author makes other points about taking initiative and following up as well. Your critique of point #2 is that a middle-aged adult has less opportunities for c…

I also work out at a gym 5-6 days a week, but without headphones, because I want to be able to hear people reaching out to me. There are definitely gym regulars (the guy wearing Top Gun shades indoors who uses 14 plates for his leg press and never puts them back). The extent of my socializing at that gym, over the course of two years, has been "sorry, are you still using that."

Exactly, the opportunities for you to converse are there. You can act upon the author's advice. I suspect you're choosing not to in your daily life.

You can talk to anyone, not just the regulars, with a little bit of observation. Most people are happy to talk about their lives because we all go through life with little to no people showing an interest, not even people close to us.

Another example from just the other night, I see a person with an amazingly low percentage of body fat and muscle tone. That's a feat that takes dedication! So, I ask them if they strength train and run... how are you able to stay healthy without injuring yourself with that training volume... oh you run trails, do you have any good recommendations for someone just starting out (because I want to get into trail running), so on and so forth.

There's a wealth of opportunities for conversation out there my friend. Be proactive, give it a go!

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