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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#271

Post by dmichulke »

rchaud wrote: post #66
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

> This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years

I'll happily state the contrary:

Supply easily saturates demand at the university but after that most are on their own. So, demand stays the same but supply drops off (because you have much less available time).

So this is where you can shine.

> knock your socks off with their personality, for you to even consider meeting up with them again

No, I talk to people while waiting for the train or during my commute. I don't ask them to see them again, I just see them again because they have the same commute as me.

Always say hi but never give them the feeling that you expect them to spend time talking with you. This is also why it's easier to talk while waiting for the train, it's a limited time and they feel easier knowing that you won't be potentially annoying them during the whole train ride.

From there on it's easier, you slowly get to know a handful of acquaintances and you can easily "escalate" with the people you like.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#272

Post by bgroat »

agumonkey wrote: post #260
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

It's not only social anxiety that forbids people. It's also failed relationships that bruise your desire to try again. In my case I failed people enough time not to want to bother someone else :)

It's interesting to me that you think you failed people.

I roll my eyes when I hear quotes like, "Judge a fish by it's ability to fly and you'll think it's a failure"... but there is something to that.

Maybe you're chocolate and those people just prefer vanilla?

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#273

Post by laurex »

This is a structural problem made worse by individualistic social norms. Once you’re out of college, or contexts where there’s “hanging out” that happens without intention, you’re in a situation where you have to do several things: meet people you like, put effort into making plans, and have time together frequently enough to become friends, not just people who like each other. I work on this problem as a builder and I’ll observe that most of the cultural scaffolding that used to support this has deteriorated, see Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam or The Lonely Century by Noreena Hertz for good research on this.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#274

Post by krageon »

bgroat wrote: post #13
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it

This is true, but only if you're attractive and somewhat charismatic. I would say that means it doesn't apply to the majority of people (who are plain or ugly and not particularly charismatic or actively repulsive).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#275

Post by m_fayer »

rchaud wrote: post #66
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

You’re right but you’re also wrong. I know of social circles in middle age that have largely locked down. People have their routines and responsibilities and loved ones, and that’s that. They make little effort to clear space for new relationships. I also know other circles, also middle aged, where people have made it a priority to not do that. There is still flux and change in these circles.

Its a choice, basically. Not an easy one and there is no right or wrong here, but it’s not inevitable that midlife is characterised by social lockdown.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#276

Post by floppydiskette »

mikesabat wrote: post #211

This is a great post. A few immediate thoughts. Friends become harder to make (mostly for men) as you get older and have children. It simply takes more effort and you'll have less time, but having friends that you see regularly is probably more important when you are 40+. It's worth the effort and easier to systemize. Following up & reaching out can be a big blocker. I just decided that I'm always the one to reach ou…

Why mostly for men?

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#277

Post by TylerE »

robertlagrant wrote: post #247
TylerE wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ecuador has no-cost public healthcare. The US does't. Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you.

> Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you. Doesn't it put you on Medicaid?

If you're a legal citizen, and in one of the states that opted in to Medicade expansion (many states, all "red" states did not, despite it being literally free money from their prospective.)

A bigger problem is that the limits are quite low (Max income limit will be exceeded by someone making minimum wage in a lot of states. It's only $18k if single, going up to $36k for a family of 4.

That means there's a HUGE donut hole problem of making too much for Medicade, but not nearly enough to actually afford healthcare - or they maybe have some crappy employer plan that has a high deductible that would bankrupt them to even approach.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#278

Post by rchaud »

ChuckNorris89 wrote: post #245
gammabetadelta wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

new relationships = low commitment never ask a new friend to hang in X, where X is days away. instead just do, i'm heading to this arcade want to join? or i'm at coffee shop now, want to stop by and catch up. this is how you can turn casual associates into friends. if someone cool i knew asked me to spend 2 hours with them i'd get nervous. plus, if they know that you are cool even without them they are far more likel…

>or i'm at coffee shop now, want to stop by and catch up. this is how you can turn casual associates into friends. This is not my experience at all in my new host country. I tried this a lot and never got anyone to join. People here seem to have their schedule pre-planned, and expect you to schedule meetups in advance if you want them to join you. Sending texts like "I'm having a coffee in town, join me if you want"…

I've heard the same about Nordic countries, and to be perfectly honest, it would be similar in many North American cities as well.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#279

Post by throw1234651234 »

boring_twenties wrote: post #154
shepherdjerred wrote: post #137

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> building more non-romantic relationships with women. I completely agree; I've always preferred being friends with women, but in my opinion it's not easy to do. Things sometimes get complicated quickly if there's attraction on either side which often happens to at least one side if you're close friends. Even without romantic feelings, things get weird/awkward if either party is in a relationship or married.

Complicated doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm in this situation now and it's basically ruining my life. Or maybe it's ruined already, because I see no possible way out -- not even just ending the friendship. Not only is the friendship very close, but inextricably linked with far and away my favorite activity in the world. One that has brought by far the most joy to my life, and one that I have given up a lot to pur…

Uselessly vague.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#280

Post by 2devnull »

m_fayer wrote: post #275
rchaud wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

You’re right but you’re also wrong. I know of social circles in middle age that have largely locked down. People have their routines and responsibilities and loved ones, and that’s that. They make little effort to clear space for new relationships. I also know other circles, also middle aged, where people have made it a priority to not do that. There is still flux and change in these circles. Its a choice, basically.…

Location matters. In Silicon Valley, many people you meet are not locals, they come and they go. Like the tide. Other places this is different, like small towns where everyone knows everyone else. Some places people are more defensive, less friendly. Being an extrovert in a city where everyone is a visitor doesn’t help form lasting friendships and a faux pas in a small town can become a scarlet letter that follows you forever.

As others have noted, age matters. That’s well documented in the research from what I can tell but it’s also just a simple consequence of having marriages, raising children, etc… Coincidently that’s another set of life outcomes that are very impacted by place. Silicon Valley is known for that. “Man Jose” is not a great place to start a family, and career driven men from widely diverse ethnic and socio-cultural groups don’t form much of a community.

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