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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#101

Post by Foivos »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

> I preferred to eat lunch by myself and I only discussed the business topic at hand during meetings unless someone else brought up a personal discussion.

Probably, they thought that you did not like them.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#102

Post by yunwal »

legerdemain wrote: post #60
hahamrfunnyguy wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While the author is young, they've made some accurate observations - at least in my experience.

The author's primary advice for making more friends is that you will have conversations with lots of people and you should iterate through them quickly by making more intimate conversation and revealing something about yourself to deepen the relationship. This makes sense if the author is a student at a school of any meaningful size in a popular major. But it doesn't make sense for adults struggling to make connectio…

> Assuming you work in an office, would you serially go from desk to desk asking coworkers out to 1:1 lunches?

I disagree with the author on a lot, but this is not a bad idea, at least for people you work closely with. I probably wouldn't take them to a sit-down place 1:1 unless you're already comfortable with them but grabbing coffee or a fast-casual lunch that you take back to the office is a good idea

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#103

Post by SoftTalker »

lisper wrote: post #75
danenania wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The relocation point is interesting. I have a lot of friendships that are in 'good friend' territory when we're in the same place, but otherwise go dormant for long periods. I'm ok with this and generally don't feel a need to try to change this dynamic with people. I guess they aren't close friends in exactly the way that you're describing, but they are definitely a lot more than acquaintances. In a strange way I eve…

> we can pick up where we left off after years of minimal contact Sure, but you have to actually do that from time to time. I've lost count of the number of people I thought I was really close with who moved away insisting that they would keep in touch, and then I never hear from them again, ever after reaching out. (Having kids is another reliable "friendship"-killer.)

Yes, I've never had a friendship survive a relocation. Not to say that I dislike or resent any of these people at all; we simply never talk anymore.

Kids could possibly do the same especially if your friends are not also having kids at the same time. Kids can also easily contribute to the making of new acquaintances (parents of other kids) as well. These might turn into friendships, or might fade out quickly once the kids' interests diverge (or they grow up and leave the nest).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#104

Post by krumpet »

golemiprague wrote: post #80
rchaud wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

I don't know, I have made friends well into my adult life, including after having kids. Granted it is not in the same frequency as in the uni days but still during the years I have found some. Mostly people I have bumped into at work but were not directly above or below me or via other friends who introduced me to their friends. I am not an extrovert or too introvert and I don't know why it seems like everyone here m…

I think this is highly dependent on luck. If you're friendly and happen to live near other, outgoing, friendly families, then the odds of befriending them are higher. It also helps to have a friendly spouse (it helps a LOT).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#105

Post by standardUser »

MetaMalone wrote: post #21

Think we have been forgetting the necessity of relationships in a post-internet society. It can be a good thing to be intentional about relationships. The benefits don't only apply to introverts, it can also be important for extroverts to cut off harmful people from their lives and deepen connections with those they need most.

Plus one for intentional relationships. I've become much more careful about who I form bonds with as I've grown older, and I've left a handful of long-term friendships behind when I realize I didn't want those people in my life. I'm not an extrovert, but I do make friends easily and I learned the hard way that if you just make friends with everyone who comes your way, you'll end up with some bad friends.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#106

Post by EFreethought »

rjbwork wrote: post #42
moralestapia wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…

>1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm…

For me it is usually religion that someone is pushing.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#107

Post by cat_plus_plus »

Screw vulnerability. Of course, I have problems like everyone else. But I have given each one a lot of thought and decided what's the best thing I can do right now, or that there is nothing further than I can do. I don't really need advice or practical help, it's a matter of me allocating my limited energy and willpower. On giving side, there is also so much I can offer to someone outside my immediate family. And the last thing I want to do is to pay MORE attention to downsides of my life by talking about them to others.

What I really wish I could have is camaraderie in personal growth, which for some reason seems to be impossible in Silicon Valley. For example, I have been taking photography classes, but when I ask other students if they want to go on a hike, shoot pictures together and improve our technique, nobody is ever interested. I can understand that women might think I am hitting on them, even after I mentioned I am married and have kids, but not even old guys? I don't know if it's something about my appearance or mannerisms or if people only live through organized events and have no interest in just hanging out with others based on mutual interests. Maybe they also outsource their vulnerabilities to professional therapy? :-)

Now of course nothing is black and white. Being able to give someone an unfiltered account of one's day is a testament of quality of the relationship and reassurance that if I faced a truly overwhelming disaster in future I might have some help handling it. But overall, I would rather expand my life than dwell on aspects of it that either can not be changed or are already being worked on.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#108

Post by wpwpwpw »

viburnum wrote: post #82

This is way too complicated. All you have do is show up to the same place regularly to places where other people also show up regularly. School, work, dog park, gym, etc.

I agree with this. From my experience, people who feel lonely (and feel saddened by that) tend to become overly worried about what others think of them and obsessed on making an impression. That usually leads to them becoming an echo chamber of themselves and starting to act "artificially", which is noticed by others as not being authentic. I'd say that sharing, which arises from mutual interest, is the cornerstone. So being in places where people authentically share mutual interests and cooperate is a great place to make friends. Sports associations (team sports, climbing, hiking, with the added bonus of physical activity being awesome for mental health) community centers with activities (chess, musical groups, dancing)...

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#110

Post by aeturnum »

andreyk wrote: post #64
aeturnum wrote: post #51

IMO this is the #1 takeaway: > I was trapped in a ‘normal’ mode of conversation - making small talk, being inoffensive, feeling aversion to being weird, respecting where I thought other people’s boundaries were. If you want something else, you gotta let others know somehow! Everyone's life is different and has differently shaped spaces for relationships, interaction, etc. It's very common for people to be open to gro…

I think the "this is a skill" just refers to the various things needed to form and maintain friendships (being good at conversations, taking social initiative, following up, etc.) More of a set of skills. And to be fair, my interpretation is that it is a set of skills both people in the process of friendship possess and need to practice to make things work (it is possible after all to be a bad friend or a bad partner…

> * it is a set of skills both people in the process of friendship possess and need to practice to make things work*

I think this is another example of the idea I am trying to critique (and warn against). This suggests that "the process of friendship" is a singular, universal thing that will look the same for all of us (or for all of our friendships). Or that friendship "working" is a straightforward series of opportunities for both people to "say yes" to something. I think that is wrong.

Instead, I would say that over time a friendship is best understood as a series of opportunities to become more or less central to each other. Closeness and stability do not need to be linked! My oldest friend and I are extremely stable and comfortable with each other - but I would not say we are close. That we aren't close isn't a failure. It's a recognition that our lives have gone in different directions and that we most comfortably experience intimacy with other people. It's not a failure! Both our lives would be more frustrating if we relied on each other, with our divergent social worlds and approaches to life, for mutual understanding.

> it is possible after all to be a bad friend or a bad partner due to your own lack of effort

This is true, after a way, but I think it mis-orders things in a way that will lead to confusion. You are only a bad friend or partner if you don't make the effort that you agreed to make. If you are frustrated that you friend or partner isn't showing up in a way that you want them to show up in a way they have never said they will - you are the one who is doing "badly" in the relationship! Obviously, the reverse can also be true - people can promise things and not deliver, but the gap is between commitment and behavior. There is no bad or good level of energy to put into a relationship as long as you aren't deceptive about it.

Basically, you aren't a bad friend or partner because of 'your own lack of effort' - putting more effort into engaging a way your significant other doesn't want would make things worse. It's the lack of alignment that causes the problem and, until that alignment is corrected, you can't know if more effort is actually what the other person would like.

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