Think we have been forgetting the necessity of relationships in a post-internet society. It can be a good thing to be intentional about relationships. The benefits don't only apply to introverts, it can also be important for extroverts to cut off harmful people from their lives and deepen connections with those they need most.
Intentionally making close friends
21–30 of 323 posts
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#22Earlier quoted context omitted.
I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…
I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…
Edited to include some more context.
These are great points.
Places where it can be assumed people are comfortable with an approach:
- A public place/destination (bar is okay, bus isn't)
- They are not in the middle of speaking (lulls in conversations are fine)
- They are not blocking sensory inputs (don't approach if you see headphones)
This also isn't magic. My success isn't 100%. It's about 30%
Which means that 7/10 people don't want to talk to me (which is fine).
But it also means that I can pretty reliably make a friend/day if I were so inclined
A bit about me, I'm a short man (5'3") with pretty solid facial symmetry and good grooming but I'm NOT particularly attractive.
I'm putting that context because it is important:
- Because of maleness I'm automatically safer in most situations (as in, I can approach someone, go off solo w/them and be confident I won't be assaulted)
- I'm short, so I'm not REALLY a physical threat to people - Hygiene implies social consideration/health
- Facial symmetry automatically encourages trust
- Being TOO attractive (and I'm nowhere close) can be intimidating to some people
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#23I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…
I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…
Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#24I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines. The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If…
You are describing ways of getting acquaintances/just friends, the article describes ways of deepening those friendships such as paying more attention to questions that lets you better know people, I found it very helpful, it may come 100% naturally to you, but not to all of us
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#25I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…
If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#26[deleted]
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#27Earlier quoted context omitted.
I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…
Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.
I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree.
It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think.
- Approach
- Chatting for an hour
- 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet
- Meet for 90 minutes
(repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times)
Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend".
Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... and you will both have a good time"
Good friend is not, "Will donate a kidney"
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#28I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines. The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If…
This really isn't true. I lived a pretty active life for a decade or so, as a drummer in various drum groups (samba, etc). I was well-liked, people knew my name and seemed to enjoy hanging out with me, and I had some decent conversations. But I didn't really have any people I'd be super comfortable chatting with 1-1, and nobody I'd call up and specifically hang out with.
It was only when the pandemic hit that I realised that, without the regular group socials I was used to, I literally had nobody to chat to. At that point I started doing more or less exactly what this article said, and deliberately trying to make closer friends. I'm happy to say that the strategy worked pretty well.
Perhaps you are naturally good at making deep friendships in these circumstances, but I think a lot of people are not.
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#29Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…
Edited to include some more context. These are great points. Places where it can be assumed people are comfortable with an approach: - A public place/destination (bar is okay, bus isn't) - They are not in the middle of speaking (lulls in conversations are fine) - They are not blocking sensory inputs (don't approach if you see headphones) This also isn't magic. My success isn't 100%. It's about 30% Which means that 7/…
Getting a stranger to have a conversation with you doesn’t mean you made a friend that day, at least not by and definition that’s valuable to me. It’s the first step, but what’s the conversion rate here? Most you probably never speak to again, a small number may reach acquaintance level, and even fewer end up as a friends. We probably have a different idea of what a friend is.
Re: Intentionally making close friends
#30I wonder if "Dividera et Impera" has something to do with workplace relationships and the society at large? In autocratic systems it is not in the interests of the ruling class that people would be friends with each other.
Friendship is not too far off from unionizing.