Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Intentionally making close friends

neelnanda.io

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

61–70 of 323 posts

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#61

Post by andreyk »

Very brief summary: a personal anecdote about forming good friends followed up by advice for how to have better conversions (vulnerability, curiosity) and how to meet more people who will become friends (meet people but filter out most of them, take initiative with following up), and lastly how to deepen friendships.

As someone who has a fair number of close friends, I think this is a good post with lots of solid advice. And it's written well! Personally I've been lucky to just naturally meet and form my best friends over time, but I definitely think taking initiative and following up are important to maintaining a close friendship.

A general point in this post I also like is that making and keeping close friends may require work and energy, rather than being something that life just throws your way. I intentionally try to periodically message friends, come out to places they live, just generally keep in touch; as one gets older people move about and it's harder to maintain your closest friendships, but it is possible!

Last comment: this is a very pragmatic and analytical post with a lot of discussions of things you can do, and not much discussion of how you should feel. I'd add this - just CARE. Appreciate the people in your life and let that appreciation guide you.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#62

Post by sys42590 »

adamsmith143 wrote: post #14
sys42590 wrote: post #3

I really like reading this article and I think it's a good start to get rid of a loner lifestyle. There's however one caveat... making close friends is quite a culture dependent topic in my opinion. Making close friends requires differerent approaches depending on the culture you're living in. Strategies that work in San Francisco may not work in Miami, Buenos Aires or Trondheim.

I think the strategy of "Go do things with the same group of people repeatedly" is quite universal.

In some cultures and sub-cultures "opening up" is closely tied to the consumption of inappropriate levels of alcohol, while in others you can go without and still build a good connection to other people.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#63

Post by s1artibartfast »

sfusato wrote: post #46

Excellent article, but don't make having close friends part of your main goal. Once you are comfortable with who you are, do things on your own, work on new hobbies and interests, then you will attract the right people. Being confident and positive are a people magnet.

I strongly disagree, or at least don't think that's Universal. There's more to meeting and making friends then simply being yourself. There's taking risks and putting yourself out there. There is making time and priority for them. Maybe this works for someone who is naturally an extrovert and naturally makes friends, but that isn't everyone. Not everyone can or should try to take a wait for them to come to me approach

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#64

Post by andreyk »

aeturnum wrote: post #51

IMO this is the #1 takeaway: > I was trapped in a ‘normal’ mode of conversation - making small talk, being inoffensive, feeling aversion to being weird, respecting where I thought other people’s boundaries were. If you want something else, you gotta let others know somehow! Everyone's life is different and has differently shaped spaces for relationships, interaction, etc. It's very common for people to be open to gro…

I think the "this is a skill" just refers to the various things needed to form and maintain friendships (being good at conversations, taking social initiative, following up, etc.) More of a set of skills. And to be fair, my interpretation is that it is a set of skills both people in the process of friendship possess and need to practice to make things work (it is possible after all to be a bad friend or a bad partner due to your own lack of effort or skill with eg communication or vulnerability).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#65

Post by SubuSS »

lordnacho wrote: post #39

Great article, though it does give a sort of programmy-algorithmic answer to one of life's great questions. Not saying that's bad, just unexpected. I was actually thinking about it today. Here's an awkward truth about friendships that everyone needs to get comfortable with: often one of you is more interested in the relationship than the other. You know what I mean. For instance, I was invited to a wedding a few week…

I think that’s any close relationship: the internets like to say if you don’t get 50/50 - hit the lawyer, but reality is it is never 50/50. You won’t be in any long term relationship if you don’t accept that.

Michelle Obama posted this recently (that I agree with very much)

‘’’

michelleobama

Verified

As an adult, I’ve lived in a number of places, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve only ever had one real home. My home is my family. My home is Barack.

But here’s the thing—our marriage has never been perfectly 50-50. One of us is always needing more or giving more. We have to be willing to listen to each other, honestly and without defensiveness. Only then, can we evolve together.

Over the years, a lot of young people have asked me about marriage. And my response usually goes something like this: You have to prepare yourself for long stretches of discord and discomfort. You have to learn how to make real compromises in the way you’ve lived as an individual. Glamorizing a relationship while you’re dating will lead you straight to difficulty once you’re married. You can’t paper over problems when you’re living with someone day in and day out.

So you’ve got to ask yourself: What are you trying to get out of this relationship? Have you truly thought it through? Do you want a wedding or do you want a lifelong partnership? Those are two very different things. Together, you are answering the question: Who are we and who do we want to be?

‘’’

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#66

Post by rchaud »

bgroat wrote: post #13
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster)

This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, the opposite is true.

Outside of that uni environment, a new person is going to have to knock your socks off with their personality, for you to even consider meeting up with them again. Most people cannot make a first impression that good.

Outside of school/uni, people are busy with daily life, and far less likely to chat with strangers. Friendship groups begin to quickly narrow around this time as well, as people get married, go to professional schooling of some kind, and start hanging out mostly with people that are very similar to them.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#67

Post by zerkten »

thenerdhead wrote: post #56

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

No, but a better answer is probably that the relationships are different. As with most HN advice it's completely contextual.

Close friends from before the transitionary period are still people I can connect with to a large extent. Not all are people I'd now want to spend a lot of time with because time is so limited.

Making new close friends is something I've somewhat given up on based on the fact that I've moved so far away, now have had to prioritize work and family, etc. I suspect there will be fleeting opportunities as the kids create introductions and I perhaps get more time for hobbies/volunteering.

I think things are very dependent on circumstances. People commenting and giving advice only have knowledge of X circumstances, but there are really Y or X number of them out there. This means that I get left feeling like I'm doing something wrong, missing out, etc. based on how others describe life. Anxiety and other mental challenges affect how I feel too. Things aren't that bad when I actually take a big step back and think about life though.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#68

Post by erdos4d »

moralestapia wrote: post #20
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…

> You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect).

I live in Ecuador, so third-world. The people here are not really after money, unless it's very easy to get. I mean, 30% of the "economy" here involves standing in the road with a mango, hoping someone gives you some coin for it (literally). Those same people could go get a real job and do some real hard work if they wanted actual cash. They don't. They like doing basically nothing and getting along okay from it. Not saying you're wrong, but latin america doesn't work this way.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#69

Post by nier »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

NPC as in non-playable character?

One of the first search results reads:

«[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#70

Post by actually_a_dog »

lisper wrote: post #36
bgroat wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend. Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient…

+1 to this. I have a lot of problems maintaining relationships of any sort once the "proximity effect" no longer applies. I suspect many people do, which is why most people lose all their school friends after they leave school, for instance.
Post reply on HN