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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#341

Post by nvarsj »

Sounds like a classic mid life crisis to me. Although you don’t have a way to actuate your fantasy so you’re getting depressed. Since having a kid (adoption in your case) is more serious than buying a sports car, I’d really suggest seeking therapy first to make sure it is something you really want. You’re not too old to adopt if you decide to.

Take it from someone on the other side - I frequently envy my 40 year old colleagues without kids. They travel, focus on their hobbies, and generally do what they want and seem happier and less stressed out. They have more money and drive nicer cars and have nicer, neater houses.

Kids are a major self sacrifice - you give up vast quantities of personal time and opportunities. It is a large trade off.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#342

Post by fuzzygroup »

You can mentor people. You can adopt. You can foster a child. You can engage with your community. You could be a boy scout leader. There are lots and lots of ways to engage with kids that aren't "biologically yours". Technically my oldest son is a child I adopted and I never actually think that he's adopted. He is simply my son.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#343

Post by tty01 »

From a/my latino perspective ... you (as an individual) are not too old to procreate ... your wife ... maybe.... but if I were you... would try to have a couple babies Now! dont pay attention to the doctors regarding the issue of age and having/making babies...(Nature cannot be wrong) just try and try and keep trying ! the latino way. Buena Suerte.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#345

Post by [deleted] »

lcall wrote: post #304
tasuki wrote: post #297

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ok, I downvoted you. Your comment isn't about what the OP asked, it's about your religion. You could almost as well post this under a "My regrets about choosing JavaScript" post. ("Don't worry, in the afterlife you'll code in Rust!")

Thanks for including a comment. It seems that the OP is looking for both direction and peace, and I hoped to share the thought process that I would have in his situation, which can be (and is to me) a really big help (with addressing possible regrets, long-term important family issues, knowing what to do now, etc). (Heh. I'm learning Rust.) Edit: Maybe I should have been more clear: that stuff about the next life inc…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#346

Post by S_Bear »

rumpelstinkin wrote: post #241

Think that it might be bad for yourself, but good for your kids because you didn't force them to enter this fucked up world for your own benefit. Speaking as someone who hates being born, and there are countless like me, and you can't know in advance.

Hear hear. It's such an ego stroke for the parents, but I have to live out my life in chronic pain. I make the best of my existence, but never having to go through all this would have been superior. Got snipped in my early 20s so I couldn't accidentally do this to someone else.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#347

Post by maerF0x0 »

nostromo123 wrote: post #339
maerF0x0 wrote: post #226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> A lot has changed over the last 20 years for late births. There's still a lot of risks, particularly of disappointment, but also massively elevated risk of gestational diabetes and Down syndrome.

Everything worth having in life involves some risk - you could have a heart attack or a stroke the next minute, your wife/husband could cheat on you/leave you, the company you work for could implode and go bankrupt, and so on. What about the risk of forever regretting that you didn't even try? Everyone has to decide for themselves what level of risk they are ok with (I'm not going to do base jumping, for instance :D)…

The point is don't let "I can still have a baby at 40" persuade anyone to delay it beyond their 20s if they have any choice or control over the matter.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#349

Post by Kretinsky »

nostromo123 wrote: post #240
Kretinsky wrote: post #191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

40 is older than 20. You then don't have the same resistance to stress, lack of sleep, muscles regenerate slower, and you often start to have health problems. Believe me, most parents have back problems at some point, especially if you're not sending your child to daycare. No wonder, armies around the world won't hire a 40 years old, and prefer youngsters in their early 20's: their body is still intact.

I had my child at 41 (I'm the mother), and I see none of these issues, and my son has been over 10kg for quite some months now. My early-30s colleague on the other hand complained of back pain already in her pregnancy. Age is not the death sentence you seem to think it is; on the contrary, if someone in early 40s doesn't have the energy/fitness to handle a child, they should see a doctor. (I also got pregnant within…

I'm not saying it's a "death sentence", just that physically, your body tends to deteriorate with age. The situation isn't a binary one: being young, your body is much more forgiving, which eases parenting, especially if you want to have more than one child.

So yeah, it's better to start having children early than late. It doesn't mean that you'll be crippled in bed because you had them late (aside from the fertility issues).

Also, Hacker News is essentially composed of well-off, western people working in white collar jobs. Of course, those people will have easy and healthy lives; I wouldn't say the same for a mason or a cashier, and those people exist.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#350

Post by oliwarner »

twelve40 wrote: post #331
oliwarner wrote: post #131

Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life. I absolutely understand the vicious and cyclical nature of what I'm saying, but half the time people feel like you go on to have kids and then discover that feeling of emptiness was just them all along. Having children can just as much separate and ostracise you from your existing life and social circles, and make things worse. So if you do have kids and it turns…

No, there are no universal "firsts" here. in my 20s I had no freaking clue what to do at work and generally career-wise. Still had kids and don't regret it for a second. If I waited until becoming at least somewhat satisfied with work, i would have surely never gotten around to having kids. Hell, for some people "fix your unhappiness at work first" may take an entire lifetime!

I don't disagree, everyone is different.

But so is having kids when you're in your twenties compared to having them when you're mid-midlife crisis in your forties.

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