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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#131

Post by oliwarner »

Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life.

I absolutely understand the vicious and cyclical nature of what I'm saying, but half the time people feel like you go on to have kids and then discover that feeling of emptiness was just them all along. Having children can just as much separate and ostracise you from your existing life and social circles, and make things worse. So if you do have kids and it turns out you have a deeper depression, it's not the best environment to introduce somebody who needs all your attention, every day for a few years. It's not fair to the children.

You're 40 and you're not enjoying your work. Fix that first. It's a struggle many have, even parents. Honestly, life as a whole makes a lot more sense when you enjoy what you do every day, when you feel appreciated and see value in your work product.

Once you're grounded, you can look at options. Surrogacy might be an option for a biological or semi-biological match. Consider your partner's feelings in this too. Fostering might be the best on-ramp, but you're not going to be handed a kid to care for unless you're in top condition.

If you're setting that as a goal, make sure you consider that becoming happy with life might take a while, and it might take so long children stop being an option altogether. Make sure you don't tie yourself to a post if you're unsure which way the tide's going. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Don't let it get in the way of your enjoyment of life.

Best of luck.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#132

Post by cookieswumchorr »

if you think your life is shit now, wait till you have an unpaid second job as a babysitter.

Seriously, whatever you think of kids, one thing is absolutely true: it's hard, it's very hard. Not in a poetic sense, but simply in terms of man-hours you will have to come up with.

Unless you live in a traditional patriarchal society, but if this were the case, you would probably have had several kids by now

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#133

Post by alfnor »

Do you have siblings with children? Become the cool uncle!

Teach them to properly build treehouses, make their own bows and arrows, do skateboard tricks, handle guns, climb trees/rooftops, do parkour, and all that crazy stuff their moms wouldn't allow. Depends on what you're into, of course.

You will get to experience them at their best, but won't have to stand them at their worst. That's when you just hand them back to their parents.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#135

Post by monk_e_boy »

luxurytent wrote: post #12

A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…

Get into teaching. You'll be skint, but happy.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#136

Post by quickthrower2 »

imtringued wrote: post #111
quickthrower2 wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He is influencing smart people to not have kids though so encouraging an idiocracy scenario. And we might need the smart kids to invent new ways out of global warming.

All the kids smart enough to invent new ways out of climate change have been born. They don't matter. Adding more won't change anything but increase the amount of smart kids suffering from climate change.

I mean mitigation rather than prevention.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#137

Post by nerdawson »

andrewstuart wrote: post #94
deadbeef57 wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party. You don't need a perfect relationship. There are many women out there in exactly the same boat as you. Don't spend years not finding the perfect person. Find a good person on the same wavelength, get on the job. To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable…

>> To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable relationship with parents that are trustworthy and on the same wavelength. Well it would be ideal but lots of kids have separated parents. What is important is not that the parents are together, but that everyone is safe, the kids are loved, the parents are respectful towards one another. The greater the kindness and cooperation between s…

However harmonious the relationship following the split, it’s still damaging for children in that situation.

It may be increasingly common and I’d agree it’s better to separate than stay together for the kids but I do believe it has a lasting impact. It’ll affect the way they see relationships for the rest of their lives.

It’s selfish for people in their late 30s / early 40s to rush into having a family because they’re worried the window will close.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#138

Post by Deegy »

luxurytent wrote: post #12

A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…

This is the answer I was inclined to give upon reading.

In addition to the importance of a sense of community and purpose (whether derived from children or not), I'd also like to contribute another lens through which to view anxiety and depression.

Things like lack of exercise, poor sleep, nutrient deficiencies, caffeine/nicotine/alcohol abuse, under-exposure to sunlight and nature can all cause physiological cascades which result in depression and anxiety irrespective of ones life achievements or circumstances.

And yet, at least in my experience, when feelings of depression and anxiety are present, the first thought is of life circumstances. If only I had a better job, better spouse, loving children, fame, fortune, I would not be anxious and depressed.

It's all too easy to latch on to a perceived lack of something in your life and blame it for any and all of your negative emotions and moods.

Like most human beings, I struggle somewhat significantly with a few specific regrets from my past, as well as the anxiety of navigating important life decisions as they come up.

When I'm feeling particularly anxious or depressed my mind is more inclined to ruminate over past regrets, or to dread upcoming life events. If I'm not present, I still often fall into the trap of believing that I'm depressed and anxious BECAUSE of these regrets or upcoming circumstance in my life.

What I've learned though is that at least for me, it's helpful to first attribute feelings of anxiety and depression to core fundamental needs like sleep, exercise, nutrition, sunlight, etc rather than to jump to and ruminate over regrets and fears.

I suppose a way to refer to a framework like this would be something like 'physiological anxiety and depression' vs 'circumstantial anxiety and depression'.

I believe it is totally possible to have anxiety and depression caused by issues to do with sleep, nutrition, substance abuse, and for your brain to trick you into believing that you're unhappy with your life circumstances.

This all being said, I in no way want to downplay circumstantial anxiety and depression and insinuate that they are not real. It's vital to have things like purpose, community, and to be generally satisfied and excited about ones path through life.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#139

Post by davidguetta »

throw827474737 wrote: post #129
davidguetta wrote: post #8

You can 100% have kids. Not only biologically but also There are thousands of younger 30ish women who'd see 0 problem have a kid with a mature 40 y.o. (rather than a 30 y.o. whos head is not there yet) Of course you probably wont have the same relationship with your wife but thats your life, not hers. And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years. A…

Wow that is so superegoistic I'd say any child deserves a better dad. It may also be something else what's wrong, please reflect and try more, and also if you are not already in a trustless broken relationship start talking with your wife about it. > And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years. No, that is definitely not set in stone, you may not…

This is not particularly egoistic. People change overtime and relationships are formed or broken everyday according to people respective evolution.

In PARTICULAR, wanting or not children is probably the n°1 important criteria to be in a relationship or not. Im not telling him to leave his wife but its an option that is very likely to appear, and also that "staying because of past decision to your wife" might bring more pain to him on the long run than leaving her to have a child. Its a purely rational decision (which of course is not to be rushed either).

People (like you?) seem to believe in the "soulmates for life" dream but practical experienxe has shown me its not for everybody and many people end up miserable by saying in the same relationship out of principles or fear while they had so many good other options at some point..

Choose wisely.

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