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75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#411

Post by the_other »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

> I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want.

That's one perspective. I wasn't ready for kids but had one anyway. It's worked out fairly well. My kid rocks and we have a lot of fun.

> have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myself until the kids are down at 7.30, and I'm utterly wasted.

I have one and I started to get back into hobbies around their age 7. So I would imagine having two slows that process down a bit. I'm pretty sure you'll get some time back, but you might need to stick it out a couple more years. If you can, tweak your hobbies to include them a bit (obviously it depends on the hobby) - mine really liked synths for a couple of years: that was great fun :-D.

Something that hit me hard recently was that when I do my hobbies & socialising, I do them away from my family. This now looks like a mistake. I think I should have worked harder to have kid-compatible friends and hobbies over the last couple of years. I'm aiming to do more more activity stuff (camping, surfing etc) with mine over the next couple of years. Deeper into their teens, they wont want to hang out with me much so I need to get it done now.

> As for enjoying hanging around with kids

It's really hard. You've got to get into undirected play yourself. I didn't do this enough.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#412

Post by _jss »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

I didn't genuinely enjoy parenting until my kids were all above 6, and it was gradual. My kids are 16 and 14 now, and at the start of their summer break I left a job I really liked to spend as much time as I could with them. Their problems were more thought provoking and time intensive, navigating tough tradeoffs. I love helping them through these moments, teaching critical thinking, and we still have fun doing things.

When they were younger, I tried to find some longer focal point and figure out what my role and goals were as a parent. I found that, and it helped relieve some of the repetitive stress of parenting young kids.

I don't know the source for the "75% of the time we spent with our kids happens before age 12" but I hope it isn't true. Kids are inexperienced people, and experience cultivates interesting people. I also believe an hour spent with a glassy eyed baby barely counts compared to a thoughtful, focused 15 minute discussion with a teenager.

I hope you find your groove. It took me a while.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#413

Post by [deleted] »

texasbigdata wrote: post #385
p2detar wrote: post #374

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My algorithmic approach has always been: 1. You’re 100% sure you don’t want kids? Then don’t. 2. In all other cases, have a child. Even when in doubt. Years will pass and doubt may perish, but with it also the ability to have children.

This seems like the most inhumane way to make the decision discussed, even if you're not necessarily wrong for taking this approach. I can't imagine what it'd be like being a small child in a household where your parents "had doubt" and turns out they didn't really want you after all. You can't fake it well enough for 18 years where they wouldn't notice. Just sad imho

[deleted]

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#414

Post by NotYourLawyer »

Morgawr wrote: post #306
NotYourLawyer wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why does it need a citation? It's absolutely plausible just based on back-of-the-napkin math. I'd be surprised if it's off by more than 10% in the majority of cases.

> Why does it need a citation? Because a lot of stuff you read online is made up, misleading, wrong, or even all three. Either on purpose or not. The most insidious stuff is what "seems plausible" but isn't, it's how you get stuff like common myths and misconceptions[0]. Shouting "source?" at every article is not pleasant and may sound annoying, but I think we should respect people who question things (or simply want…

Well sure. But how could this number actually be wrong once you think about it?

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#415

Post by lotsofpulp »

xeromal wrote: post #293
spockz wrote: post #279

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To be fair, that is hardly inter generational.

For sure, I just mean, nuclear families aren't the only option that is enjoyable to live with. My mom lived with us until she found a husband. It has some negatives, but I think it's handedly beaten by the positives if you enjoy your family's company.

How soundproof are your walls?

And how many names are on the deed of this house? Assuming 6 names, what happens if a divorce were to occur?

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#416

Post by stormdennis »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

To cap it all you'll feel guilty for feeling this way in later years when they're gone.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#417

Post by chasd00 »

When my boys were babies my mom said enjoy every minute because you’ll blink and it’ll be over. I see what she means now, my oldest (only about 13) spends a lot of time with his friends but with me too. My youngest (10) is still my shadow and we’re constantly engaged. However, the writing is on the wall that they are their own person. I got about 6 to 7 years left and am already trying to start dealing with that fact hah.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#418

Post by lee »

Defitio wrote: post #388
natnatenathan wrote: post #289

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is exactly my experience, probably from age 28 until I met my wife at ~34. My friends and I would go to all these bars, clubs, rock climbing trips. While I loved my friends and generally enjoyed doing those things, I felt this long-term malaise of meaningless. The loss of freedom getting married and then greater loss when having kids was unexpected and a jarring change. But it has made me such a better person. A…

In my opinion plenty of people just use kids as a scapegoat for meaning of life. My question would be why you value your kids time more than bouldern? Because you made them? Because they consume so much time with them? Or because you are just better in being a parent and biological getting satisfaction out of it? Unfortunately for me I'm not sure if I would end like you or the other poster who regrets it sometimes. A…

> Or because you are just better in being a parent and biological getting satisfaction out of it?

It is totally this. We are biological creatures and we cannot escape that.

Love, sex, friendships, relationships, parenting, happiness, and so forth are all aspects of our biology. We are not automatons living a purely rational life. Satisfaction in life depends on those biological mechanisms and shouldn't be seen through a purely rational lens.

Kids aren't a scapegoat for a meaningful life. They do absolutely make life meaningful. Much in the same way eating a delicious meal brings pleasure. We depend on our biological wiring to feel such things.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#419

Post by astura »

kotlin2 wrote: post #92
irrational wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We had 7 kids spread out over 15+ years (the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 9 - so about 16 years). Our oldest didn’t learn to sleep through the night until she was 7! At one time it seemed like I would never get a full nights sleep again, but it has been so many years now since I was last woken up by a kid at night (the last time was our 17 year old waking us up after he got home from work at 2am to tell us the ba…

I’ve always wondered how people with many kids can be emotionally available for all of them. How do you do it?

My parents both grew up in large families (10 kids and 8 kids) and most of their peers grew up in large families (5-12 children) and what I hear from my parents, aunts and uncles, and their friends is, unequivocally, you don't. There's simply not enough parental resources to go around when you have that many children to provide emotional availability to everyone, even if one parent is a full time caregiver. You end up feeling much more like a number, "child #7", than an actual person, and it's extremely difficult to develop a sense of self. The research backs this up, the larger the family the worse outcomes are in almost every measurable category - academic achievement, criminal convictions, salary, teenage pregnancy, etc.

Siblings often become extremely resentful of each other in these arrangements because they are usually forced to either parent their siblings or be parented by their siblings, they compete for parental attention and get bitter because they can't get it, and they can't find private alone time. This sort of resentfulness shows up in weird non-overt ways that's hard to describe but easy for parents to miss. The siblings still end up spending time with each other in adulthood anyways, probably some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. That doesn't mean they like each other.

Maybe there exist some person on Earth who is capable of caring for so many kids. But I haven't personally seen it.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#420

Post by mherdeg »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

Do you think your own parents felt this way?
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