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75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#261

Post by dotnet00 »

baryphonic wrote: post #215
a_e_k wrote: post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have four kids. YMMV, but I've found with mine that six years old seems to be the magic threshold. Developmentally, it seems like at that age a switch suddenly turns on and they start really showing distinct interests, talking fluently, thinking more abstractly, making solid friendships with a few peers, and wanting a bit more independence. I find the 6yo age to be a blast.

I'd echo this. My youngest is 5, and though we went through the terrible 2s through the f**ing 4s, it seems we've turned a corner at age 5. There's this sweet little kid who can start to control his emotions and frequently makes us laugh. In place of fits and tantrums we had for basically the past three years, we have someone who can take a breather and accept "no" for an answer. The best part is all of the hugs, the…

I agree, although I'm not a parent, I babysat my niece a lot throughout. She's turning 6 in a few weeks and it's pretty great how much more "interactive" she can be now.

When they're much younger you constantly have to fret over them, but now she's learning to write, asks fun questions and overall the "spark" of being her own person is really visible.

While I used to enjoy babysitting earlier too, back then I still used to be glad to be done so I could rest and catch up on some hobbies while nowadays I usually feel pretty guilty having to leave.

On the other hand the experience from my niece and now my nephew does make me wonder if I really want kids at all given the effort it takes to raise them to the point where they start to learn to be independent. I was exhausted dealing with them for just a few days in a row, I can't imagine how I'd handle it for several years.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#262

Post by notch656a »

aconsult1 wrote: post #255
xvedejas wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the main thing that informs me personally is that I didn't enjoy spending time with my parents when I was a kid. I imagine those who want kids must have had a more positive kind of childhood experience and relationship with their parents.

In my experience this isn't true at all. Having kids really is a blank slate and it's up to you to decide how you want to raise yours. I do a lot of things different than my parents did to me, including being more thoughtful about being a good friend, not just their parents. I didn't have the best experience with my parents either. Not that I hated them but they never felt like friends to me. My kids will decide how…

Even if you want to be a different parent than your parents, it can be difficult to change the course when you don't have that experience to draw off of. You're both genetically and culturally the product of your parents, and naturally any perceived negativity about your parents has an influence that commonly pushes you towards that direction. It's not unusual to read stories of people who had abusive parents, that then went on to abuse their child, even though they never wanted to be that way. While we can make conscious choices, it's doubtful you have complete free will to separate from genetic and culture tendencies.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#263

Post by adrianN »

rdtwo wrote: post #162
smesla wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah but now I have to consider suicidal teenagers and climate change. I'll be lucky to live to 70, my (potential) kids, maybe 60, if the environment doesn't completely collapse.

Climate change won’t affect you unless you are poor. If you are poor then being poor is a much more immediate problem.

Climate change, even in the best case scenarios, is affecting everybody, not just the poor, just like economic growth affects everybody. I don't even want to think about the worst case scenarios.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#264

Post by morgtheborg »

sneak wrote: post #172
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

> The sleepless nights and diaper changes are a mere blip on the scale of a lifetime with kids. You're looking at what, 2-5 years of that? Per kid? Plus the huge time commitments for all of the other burdensome stuff that having kids entails, like school and transport and non-school education? 2-5 years out of a lifetime isn't much, but 2-5 years out of your 30s or early 40s is a gigantic percentage of your remaining…

Huh. I guess I see the sacrifice as making my old-person life not shit not because I have kids. So I'm investing prime years so the potentially long amount of time I'm all aged has more meaning/purpose/love in them. I'll say my aunt didn't have kids. And while we were little I guess she told my Mom she had no regrets. But at some point in our 20s, she backed off that a bit as she (finally) saw the benefit of kid.

I assumed I'd hate having kids until they were like 11/12 but to have the adults would make it worthwhile --- even just the chance of a close relationship with them as adults. But I'm actually shocked to find I even enjoy the baby/potato stage.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#265

Post by Panzer04 »

dionidium wrote: post #249
WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

If it makes you feel any better I delayed having kids and spent my 30s dating and hanging out and going to bars -- and it was terrible. I was never more depressed. I got tired of dating. I got tired of bars. I was lonely. My life had no meaning or direction. I had a nice career and could go anywhere and do anything I wanted, but it turns out none of that made me even a little bit happy. I remember one summer making p…

This feels a lot like a more extreme version of what I'm doing now (especially the camping thing), and I'm a lot younger..

Thanks for the perspective.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#266

Post by nostromo »

mensetmanusman wrote: post #134
rtlfe wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent) Why does this matter?

Our society tends to reward people that curse infrequently?

I’ve met enough rich people to know that certainly is not true.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#267

Post by xani__ »

Teknoman117 wrote: post #49
chrischen wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s amazing how many people did this during the pandemic (me included).

I had a fantastic home life growing up so it was a no-brainer. Very much a "how am I supposed to have my rebellious teenage phase if you keep supporting me" kind of experience. My heart goes out to the people who had to do it out of necessity rather than choice.

No post body was provided.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#268

Post by sneak »

morgtheborg wrote: post #264
sneak wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The sleepless nights and diaper changes are a mere blip on the scale of a lifetime with kids. You're looking at what, 2-5 years of that? Per kid? Plus the huge time commitments for all of the other burdensome stuff that having kids entails, like school and transport and non-school education? 2-5 years out of a lifetime isn't much, but 2-5 years out of your 30s or early 40s is a gigantic percentage of your remaining…

Huh. I guess I see the sacrifice as making my old-person life not shit not because I have kids. So I'm investing prime years so the potentially long amount of time I'm all aged has more meaning/purpose/love in them. I'll say my aunt didn't have kids. And while we were little I guess she told my Mom she had no regrets. But at some point in our 20s, she backed off that a bit as she (finally) saw the benefit of kid. I a…

This assumes that your old person life will be shit without kids, an assumption I do not think holds true.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#269

Post by dragonsky67 »

scandox wrote: post #47
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I enjoy being a parent but my advice to people who ask if they should have kids is that you really have to want to have kids because all the benefits are intangible and all the drawbacks are tangible. People who say they don't want kids, usually mean it - whether they've identified their real reason or not.

I'm not sure why there is a stigma to deciding to not have kids.

It's not as if your decision is going to have much impact on anybody except yourself or the potential grandparents who may feel that they are missing out, but that is very much their problem.

All this talk of "perpetuating the species" is so much crap... The species will get along quite well without everybody contributing their genetic material.

At least those who decide not to have kids are making a thoughtful decision, many unfortunately can't or dont.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#270

Post by xani__ »

bombcar wrote: post #36
daveslash wrote: post #6

As a stepfather who came into my stepdaughter's life when she had just turned 10, I'm not sure how this makes me feel.....

If it makes you feel better, her memories will mostly be from the post-ten year old era. Think how much of your elementary life you can remember, and then your high school. As CATS famously said, "You have no chance to survive make your time." We're not going to get out of life alive, and how we spend the time we have is the only real decision we can make.

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