Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

1000hoursoutside.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

241–250 of 479 posts

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#241

Post by nagonago »

wang_li wrote: post #19

While it may be a true statistic, it seems to dramatically miss the boat. Time spent with a newborn, with an infant, with a four year old, with a ten year old, with a sixteen year old, with a twenty year old are not the same. You can have more interaction, more contentment, more sense of continuity, and more sense of family, in a Thanksgiving weekend spent with your adult child and their family than the entirety of y…

I agree, quality is more important than quantity.

There's a common sentiment on social media that you must cherish every single moment possible with your child or you'll regret it later. While well-meaning, this can lead to parents being guilted into having no boundaries.

Setting aside time for yourself is just as important. It makes you less stressed, helps kids develop independence, and models healthy boundary-setting. For example, spending 5-10 minutes fully engaged playing with your child is much more valuable than spending an hour halfheartedly playing with them while your mind is wandering elsewhere.

Don't let numbers like "only 12 summers" create a ticking doom clock over your head, or constantly second-guess yourself, "did I spend enough time with my kids today?" Parents have enough stress as it is.

I'm not saying you should ignore your kids on the weekdays and only spend time with them on the weekends, just that you should not feel guilty about setting boundaries and taking time for yourself sometimes.

(Also: I do agree that spending time outdoors is very healthy and important, but I consider that to be a separate issue.)

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#242

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

elil17 wrote: post #216
netsharc wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Long, but at the end he does the stats about approximate time left with his parents: https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html

Reading this article a couple years back got me to really question why I was planning to move far away from my parents and spend so little time with them. Changed some life plans based on that.

I wish I’d done that. Moved away, far away. Now they are long gone.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#243

Post by notch656a »

volkl48 wrote: post #206
jahewson wrote: post #192

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you’re painting a pretty simplistic and distorted caricature of reality.

I don't think I am, at least speaking to the US, but if you've got a particular argument I'm open to hearing it. ----------- Just as some related examples to illustrate that there's a whole lot of children not growing up in some idealized life though: ~23% of children in the US live with one parent and no other adults in the household. ~40% of children born to married parents in the US will see those parents divorce…

I think the statistics look different if you look at it in terms of percent of parents instead of percent of children. There's a certain segment that has lots of kids, either out of wedlock or in circumstance especially vulnerable to divorce and vulnerable to conditions which create unintended neglect due to scarcity of resources. Fewer number of kids is also associated with circumstances associated with more privileged background, which skews the statistics to look very different in % parents vs % children.

Also bear in mind some states consider neglect something like "allowed 8 year old to play at park by himself 2 blocks from the house and within line of sight from a trusted neighbor's house" or "left child in locked climate controlled running car while walking inside to pay gasoline because card reader was broken and didn't want to expose child to crackheads/drunks lingering next to the register (if you use inner-city gas stations you know what I mean)."

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#244

Post by lazyasciiart »

shanewwarren wrote: post #200
brokenbyclouds wrote: post #183

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It absolutely does not force you to change at all, nor does it force you to maintain a good relationship with your partner. Divorce rates are high, there are lots of bad parents. Having kids may have pushed you to be better, and that's great, but there are a lot of people out there for whom it makes no positive difference at all.

I don't disagree with you. Divorce rates are high, and for many it doesn't make a positive difference. I imagine most folks on HN are pretty conscious about striving to be better, so for this small subset I think my opinion is reasonable. And I know plenty of people who if they had kids (but abstain) would absolutely rock at it, and it *could* be a positive forcing function, such that they get to experience different…

People who are having kids because they "want to be better" can go ahead and just be better by helping take care of the kids already here who need it.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#245

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

furyofantares wrote: post #133
ourmandave wrote: post #25

This reminds me of that song I really hate, Cat's in the Cradle. I've long since retired, my son's moved away I called him up just the other day I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind He said, I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu But it's sure nice talking to you, dad It's been sure nice talking to you And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me H…

A few months before my dad died, he asked me to listen to that song. I knew the song, I hated it, and chose not to listen to it. I understood his point, but didn't listen to that, either. I sure miss him now.

My father died unexpectedly and suddenly. He was not sick. At the beginning of his last Summer, I asked if I could move in with him for the Summer. “Why?” he asked. “So we can spend time together”, I said. For a complicated reason, he said no, although I know he wanted to say yes. He died at the beginning of Autumn that year, as I said, without any warning and very quickly. No time for goodbyes.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#246

Post by type-r »

neverartful wrote: post #114

And during that time that they're 12 or younger: - Read to your young children regularly. Ideally, every day. This is something my father did with me when I was very young and I can't express how wonderful it was. - Remember that you're setting the example for them -- make it a good example. 2 specific examples that I always observed: never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent), and never let your ki…

Interesting list but I'd considering being less prescriptive in the future. Hard for me to really buy in when the opinions shared are so explicitly hardline: "ideally, every day"; "never" (3x!); "always", "every single" (both 2x) "everything possible."

Part of the problem with today's parenting and why it's so demanding are these completely unreasonable expectations we are setting.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#247

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

NotYourLawyer wrote: post #166

On a somewhat similar topic, I was thinking about infidelity the other day. I'm not inclined to cheat (who has the time?) but even if I were, and even if I cared nothing for my wife's feelings... cheating is just a bad mistake from the standpoint of time with kids. If I got caught, we'd probably get divorced and get 50/50 custody. I'd have thrown away HALF of my remaining time with my children. There's no pussy in th…

I have that 50/50 custody. And it sucks.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#248

Post by morgtheborg »

kotlin2 wrote: post #110
zdragnar wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Part of it is that you are not their only support network; many siblings offers many outlets and sources for help / support / etc. Running a family that large is also certainly more time consuming in some aspects- grocery shopping is a significantly different experience when you go through multiple gallons of milk and dozens of eggs every few days, as an example. You rely on older children to help, and the whole fami…

Hmm that’s interesting. I wonder if the two systems produce equal outcomes into adulthood.

I know that I come from a family of five and was starved for attention. My husband comes from a family of 2 and felt he always got attention when he wanted it.

Like some of my strongest memories are of leaving notes for my Mom about how I felt neglected and was in room waiting for her just to BE there with me. She'd last about ten minutes before she'd begin multi-tasking. Not because she was a bad mom but because she just had so. much. to do with five kids and a full-time job.

If you're going to have a large family older kids have to take on some of the emotional labor or the younger kids are totally shafted.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#249

Post by dionidium »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

If it makes you feel any better I delayed having kids and spent my 30s dating and hanging out and going to bars -- and it was terrible. I was never more depressed. I got tired of dating. I got tired of bars. I was lonely. My life had no meaning or direction. I had a nice career and could go anywhere and do anything I wanted, but it turns out none of that made me even a little bit happy.

I remember one summer making plans to go camping with three different groups of friends three weekends in a row and realizing at the end of it that all three weekends were exactly the same. Nothing new happens. You're not missing anything if you just stay home.

Happiness is extremely overrated. I had a lot of laughs in my 30s, but my life was a disaster. Now I'm tired and busy and I don't go out and do "fun" stuff very often, but I'm much more satisfied. My biggest regret is that I waited so long to start my life. Brunch isn't life.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#250

Post by spockz »

klipt wrote: post #131
warner25 wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel the same as WheatMillington most of the time, but also feel the same as you when I look at pictures of my kids from the past few years. It's so conflicting.

"The days are long, but the years are short"

100% this. Be in the moment. Enjoy. Play.

You can rest later. (When the kids are bigger and can do chores themselves. ;-))

Post reply on HN