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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#661

Post by thirtyfivecent »

throw220702 wrote: post #623
thirtyfivecent wrote: post #621

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

Why would a man be less interested in someone because his body learns that she can cause a unique pleasant sensation?

His own hand or 5 dollars worth of silicon can create that "unique" pleasant sensation. You need to provide a better argument than that for me to talk to you about this. A man is exausted and jaded for days after sex, prolactin release, the refractory period etc. Its natures way to limit an alphas ability to spread his seed in the population. Sexual energy and Semen Retention can transform a man totally if he has the discipline not to release it for a couple of seconds of pleasure. He can still have sex once he has become grounded in the practice and his brain has undergone changes which usually takes 6-12 months, then he just has to avoid orgasms to keep the benefits.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#662

Post by awsrocks »

rich_sasha wrote: post #449
ostenning wrote: post #438

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life. The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live…

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada. The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#663

Post by baremetal »

ifelsethenyeah wrote: post #647
baremetal wrote: post #496

Earlier quoted context omitted.

im not sure we are suppose to have preferences, these days.

Sorry, I don't know what you mean by that. If "supposed" implies judgements from vague "them", I don't really care what "they" think.

good

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#664

Post by jacquesm »

rich_sasha wrote: post #449
ostenning wrote: post #438

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life. The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live…

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada. The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

mail?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#665

Post by jdthedisciple »

uxcolumbo wrote: post #592
jdthedisciple wrote: post #510

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Seeking those traits in women is hard-coded into men. (Obviously there are exceptions - as with any rule - but do I really need to add this caveat ... ?)

Is this just your opinion or is it based on scientific research? If the latter - can you share those studies? Are these traits coded in our DNA? I'd like to learn how it's hard-coded in men's DNA that they are looking for women who will cook for them.

I know that it's become the norm for 21st century pseudo-intellectuals to demand "scientific research" for every little thing in life. Fundamentally, you simply won't acknowledge certain self-evident realities for what they are, but I do - and that's where we differ. This is not to say those studies don't exist - I'm often surprised at studies that make me go "duh" because "that's what I've intuitively known all my life". Like some people wouldn't acknowledge the fact that men are inherently much more muscular than women had there not been studies on that. That's one such self-evident reality.

So I say: You go keep searching for studies! :)

Meanwhile I'm going to keep living in and by self-evident reality. Personally, I find that the predictive power of that is yet to be beaten!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#666

Post by Redoubts »

actfrench wrote: post #633
Redoubts wrote: post #475

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But that's not here, which (a) is interesting and possibly important; and (b) makes it hard to say much constructive. Many questions like this all over the submission, but none of them are answered despite her continued comment activity.

I've already shared a lot of personal information about myself and I'm not obligated to answer every single question people ask me.

You're not entitled to a relationship either.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#667

Post by scsilver »

bergenty wrote: post #419
GoldenMonkey wrote: post #202

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…

Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.

I mean, thats what you want, I want a thriving adult to share life with.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#668

Post by high_byte »

metadat wrote: post #240
actfrench wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

Everyone has some flags, but I thought you said you'd had a boyfriend from an app before? If it was more than a purely physical relationship, I think you're off the hook :) > And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:) Aww I'm honored, and FYI- I literally just sent out the invites for mine this coming August :D Cheers!

why don't you invite actfrench to your wedding? last wedding I was at ended with 3 new couples, at least. then actfrench can invite you to her wedding :D

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#669

Post by uxcolumbo »

jdthedisciple wrote: post #665
uxcolumbo wrote: post #592

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is this just your opinion or is it based on scientific research? If the latter - can you share those studies? Are these traits coded in our DNA? I'd like to learn how it's hard-coded in men's DNA that they are looking for women who will cook for them.

I know that it's become the norm for 21st century pseudo-intellectuals to demand "scientific research" for every little thing in life. Fundamentally, you simply won't acknowledge certain self-evident realities for what they are, but I do - and that's where we differ. This is not to say those studies don't exist - I'm often surprised at studies that make me go "duh" because "that's what I've intuitively known all my l…

Reverting to calling other people pseudo-intellectuals is really not helping this discussion.

How many men exist today? Saying 'Seeking those traits in women is hard-coded into men.' is not a 'little thing in life'. You're making a sweeping statement about billions of men.

What you're stating is your opinion based on what you experienced, which is a small sample size. Even if you met 10k men that showed those traits, doesn't mean it's hard coded into men.

And 'hard-coded' in what way? Hard-coded into our DNA or societal imprint (which means it's not hard-coded).

So I was interested in finding out what your statement is based on.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#670

Post by mcv »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

The first thing that I thought when I read the question is: why did those 120 dates not work out?

I know there are plenty of terrible men out there, but there are also plenty of great ones. 120 should be plenty to find a good match, so why was the match not there?

My wife is not perfect, and neither am I. We have our flaws, because everybody does. We're not the perfect mate the other would have designed if we had to design our perfect mate. We compromise, but we also bring things to the table that the other never expected. Don't cling to some idea of an ideal partner, but open yourself up to who they really are, and be willing to put in the work to make it work. And I think the most important attribute in a partner is that they too are willing to put in that work.

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