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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#581

Post by actfrench »

thirtyfivecent wrote: post #570

Quoted post unavailable.

This whole comment is, I hope somewhat in jest and pretty misogynistic. You assume that I sleep around (which is not true). You also imply that a woman having lots of sex is a bad thing. If a woman wants to be sexually active, I do not judge her for that any more than I would judge a man who wants to be sexual with many women.

Even though I am well-educated and run my own company, you assume that I would not post this out of curiosity, but only because I seem to think marrying rich is the best course to financial abundance. I have no idea where you got this from my post. However, if I wanted to marry rich, I could easily find a rich guy on a dating app or through a matchmaker. I certainly don't need to go through Hacker News.

No, I did not sleep with 120 men and this was actually a great disappointment to many of them. I want to take time to get to know them.

This comment is particularly intriguing to me since the other large critiques of this post are that my desire to have kids seems too desperate and people would be turned off by that. So, I guess that wouldn't be so effective in "finding a rich husband.

I do not care about finding a rich husband. I've dated plenty of rich guys and that did not attract me. I noticed that men often see women as gold diggers, by the way. Personally, I would prefer to be financially independent and not reliant on someone else's income. My friends who are married to lovely guys say that I SHOULD add rich to my list.

If I just cared about finding a rich husband, I could have found someone a long, long time ago. But I want love, tenderness and intimacy. I can get money through a good career. A much better pathway that I have available to me as a woman in the 21st century.

I thought that hacker news was here to help people with hacks. I've presented personally one of the biggest problems faced especially by successful women in their early forties to see if people can come up with good solutions, not only to benefit me, but benefit other women.

Last but not least, I really think you would do well to inform yourself about women's reproductive health as women have healthy babies in their forties all the time.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/pregnancy/baby-...

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#582

Post by actfrench »

MandieD wrote: post #409
actfrench wrote: post #286

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are either of you women ? This is seriously obnoxious to ask about on a first date and ignores the reality that many women such as myself , fortunately are quite fertile and capable of having children. I’m sorry but a woman would not post this BS

I’ll give a counter example: married at 29, had only an ectopic pregnancy at 31 to show for our trouble, was diagnosed with low Anti-Müller hormone levels, never went the fertility assistance route because losing my mother to breast cancer put me off messing with my hormones. Decided around 38 to be content with my kind husband, comfortable life, travel, and lovely nieces and nephews. Gave birth to our “happy acciden…

I'm so sorry for the hard times you went through and so happy to hear about your happy accident! I hope you're enjoying your little two-year-old very much!!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#583

Post by actfrench »

telchior wrote: post #335
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

I'm not sure if I'm reading the previous comment and this one correctly, but it sounds like you're up front with your dates about what you want -- the monogamy, kids, etc. And that could work well, but... it also might not. It creates a feeling of pressure, which I'll try to explain: Some time back, I was set up for a date with an absolutely amazing woman. She was attractive, fit, wealthy, worked as a CTO in a very s…

I have to confess that when I don't think a guy is a good fit for me, I really go heavy into my desire to get married and have kids soon. It's a really good way to avoid being asked on a second date and having to hurt someone's feelings.

Anyway, I think this woman missed out, because you are a great writer and seem to have a high opinion of women and really respect them.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#584

Post by actfrench »

mib32 wrote: post #557
telchior wrote: post #335

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not sure if I'm reading the previous comment and this one correctly, but it sounds like you're up front with your dates about what you want -- the monogamy, kids, etc. And that could work well, but... it also might not. It creates a feeling of pressure, which I'll try to explain: Some time back, I was set up for a date with an absolutely amazing woman. She was attractive, fit, wealthy, worked as a CTO in a very s…

Maybe we, men, really better want to impregnate woman sort of surprisingly.

It seems that men would have a biological imperative to impregnate women, yes?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#585

Post by actfrench »

rich_sasha wrote: post #422
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

I have no idea if the following applies to you, so I won't even suggest it might. I'll just share some anecdata. I'm male, married, with two beautiful, clever children and a beautiful, clever wife. The wife has a rich list of ambitions and expectations from life, more and more as time goes on. Model 21st century woman really. She's killing it at work, learning new sports, lifting weights, networking, recently joined…

I think it's noble to stay in for the sake of your children. One thought: perhaps it's obvious to you that your wife is ignoring you, but not obvious to her? Maybe she takes your calm, grounded presence in her life for granted and loves you deeply, not seeing how much you are suffering. I'm curious to know the efforts you've made to communicate your concerns to her? Taking her out for a nice date night, couples therapy? Perhaps your wife values you and your marriage much more than you realize and change is indeed possible.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#586

Post by actfrench »

rich_sasha wrote: post #449
ostenning wrote: post #438

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life. The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live…

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada. The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

How does your wife feel about your concerns? She doesn't care?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#587

Post by fnordpiglet »

slickdork wrote: post #516
actfrench wrote: post #343

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Funny. I feel I’m much more attractive now then when I was 30 and have heard the same from many women my age. Most people I meet think I’m 30, not 41. I eat really healthy, rarely drink, exercise more and have just learned better self-care, better fashion, better makeup and hair. Like a lot of nyc women, I’ve been constantly improving myself. A lot of men my age , by contrast seem to be balding and overweight…

That's great you're feeling better as you're older! Though that last comment at 'balding' men -- do you consider that fair? Balding men didn't choose their genetics, nor did they do anything specific to become bald. And, outside of surgery, they can't stop being bald. Are you maybe saying these men need to shave their heads and commit to their fate, to stop 'balding' and just 'be bald'? It is fair to call them overwe…

I gained a ton of weight taking a medicine to save my life. Thanks.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#588

Post by actfrench »

throwaway743 wrote: post #398
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Lol relationships shouldn't be looked at as "achievements" or something to put on a resume or require "work"/labor, at least good relationships. Going that route is gonna lead to many things lacking. I mean go ahead with your plan, but if that's been your "strategy" for however long and you're still single and without the trophy kids, you're "strategy" is severely flawed and obviously not working.

I certainly don't see a relationship or kids as an achievement or something to put on my resumé. Anyone who knows me knows how deeply I love my friends and want to share that love with an intimate partner. Anyone who knows me knows how much I care for children and would love to have my own to love.

Why does this translate as an achievement for a resumé rather than a heart longing?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#589

Post by actfrench »

adamfaliq wrote: post #279
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

You can be strategic about it. But the outcome of 'getting a partner' is not within anyone's control. You can only present the best version of yourself, but you can't control who will and won't like you. We're only humans after all.

I completely agree.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#590

Post by NylaTheWolf »

actfrench wrote: post #214
Youden wrote: post #111

Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way. I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection). For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around…

I am going to do this. I intuitively feel that this is the right path forward for me. Kissing someone I just met oj a dating app is super weird and creepy to me. I will let you know how it goes. Thanks, friend :)

While reading your post I was thinking the same thing but the parent comment put it a lot more elegantly than I could lmao. I don't really have a lot of advice because a) I'm quite young and I've never dated someone and b) I don't really want kids, but I'm replying to let you know that I wish you all the best!
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