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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
541–550 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#542Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#543Earlier quoted context omitted.
It would likely have been the end had she not invited me to ice cream. I’ll share this other funny story. I had decided I was not going to be aggressive making the first move. Fun as they were, I was past looking for sexually-centered ‘relationships’, and I felt moving a little slower than usual would help me find the long term relationship I was looking for. I show up for our fourth date. She’s curt and says come in…
I really like you and I really really like your wife. Your wife is proactive and you’re spending your evening giving love advice to a sad 41 year old lady. You two rock.
I read this exchange between us to my wife. I’m not religious and don’t know if you are or not, but she noted one thing missing from your list of things you’ve tried is going to Church.
Anyway, I do want to say your initial presentation vs your interactions are very different. You come across as kind, thoughtful and caring, three foundational features of any mate that can go the distance. Just remember it’s about numbers, there is that magic number of dates you need to endure before you find him. Set a goal of more dates per week than you’re currently doing to accelerate your way to that magic number. I was at 2/week when I found my DW.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#544No post body was provided.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#545Earlier quoted context omitted.
That’s why it’s a hack. It’s unreasonably effective. Waiting for true love is how people end up alone.
true love is the goal that you want to develop with your current partner. you do it by caring about them and their interests, and getting them to care about yours. the point is: don't just pretend to be interested. but try to honestly care. if you honestly love this person, you should be able to. pretending may help to get you started, but if you have to keep pretending, you may end up unhappy. better find something…
If you don’t want to use a hack to get something you want then don’t.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#546I'm close to your age, male, been married for quite a while, kids. So take what I write with appropriate amounts of salt, because things definitely look different at 41 than 21. I've had some guy friends who have been similarly focused on getting married. Great guys, who for the record, are now married to lovely women. But it definitely didn't happen on their timelines or on the paths they intended. By now you've alm…
So keep on making the world a better place. And as you're doing that, there will come a time when you'll look to your right or your left and see a guy who's also working to make the world a better place and you think he might be something special, give him a chance. Maybe he'll be the one you get to make the world a better place with, together.
Wise words.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#547I suggest 'giving up' and just have fun, travel, sports, get fitter to play better. Be the mysterious woman having fun. A man's imagination is far more powerful than any reality you might conjure up, you can reveal too much. Remember, men will consider 90% of women, but women only consider 10% of men. There's a lot of competition for that 10%.
Your numbers are way off. The majority of men end up in long-term relationships with women. So women are obviously considering more than 10% of men.
There are good biological reasons why women are more choosy than men (size of investment in child rearing), but as you say, most people do end up in relationships, so it typically means men have to do the most work persuading women of their desirability, and many women end up partnering with men they wouldn't have considered based on initial impressions.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#548You asked for a hack: Our culture is messing up your perception of the pool of available men.
500 years ago your possible mating pool was about 50 people, and the most attractive man you'd ever seen lived in your village, and you knew him.
Today advertising and the media is parading hundreds of impossibly attractive people in front of you every day. It messes with your perception of normal, and guys that you know can never measure up to the standards of guys in movies.
The only way out is to know that your standards have been artificially inflated and deliberately lower them.
Next time you go on a date compare the new man to the last 50 or so dates, if he's in the top half then marry him.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#549Earlier quoted context omitted.
I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…
I'm not sure if I'm reading the previous comment and this one correctly, but it sounds like you're up front with your dates about what you want -- the monogamy, kids, etc. And that could work well, but... it also might not. It creates a feeling of pressure, which I'll try to explain: Some time back, I was set up for a date with an absolutely amazing woman. She was attractive, fit, wealthy, worked as a CTO in a very s…
100x this. Unless the OP finds someone with an equal drive to build a family and have kids now, 9 out of 10 guys will simply bail out before even trying. No one wants the risk of realizing later that you wasted OP's precious time, so better to not even try.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#550Earlier quoted context omitted.
I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…
Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…
This is probably over generic, putting all men in the same bucket.
Some of us find career driven, go get it attitude attractive. It all depends on how grounded you are.