If it's discouragement you want to avoid, it's likely that it's discouragement you need. You may need to accept that whatever ideal you're seeking doesn't exist. This discouragement may hurt at first, but it will open you up to a new world of possibility.
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
521–530 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#522Earlier quoted context omitted.
The signal must be costly otherwise it is not a signal.
if you truly love someone then you care about their happiness, and that includes caring about their interests. you should naturally want to support their interests because you want to make them happy.
That’s why it’s a hack. It’s unreasonably effective. Waiting for true love is how people end up alone.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#523One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…
I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…
Not GP, but I'll add to this: yes, sometimes the woman needs to be assertive, but you can do it such that the guy doesn't even notice.
I was a year into my marriage when my wife claimed that she was the one who did the pushing of the relationship forward. I said, "That's not true, I did." She asked me what I did to do it, and I opened my mouth. And stopped. I couldn't think of a single thing. My wife just stood there with a knowing smile on her face.
And that's when I learned that my wife had had the reins of the relationship from the beginning.
You can do the same thing; suggest things, make it seem like the guy is making decisions when he is really deciding between things that you have already chosen. Invite him not on dates, but to "help" you on certain things. (My wife pretended to want to learn programming, so I went to her home to do so. Then after suffering through that for 15 minutes, she asked if I wanted dinner. She eventually turned it into a full date. She boiled the frog with that date.
Yes, I was really that clueless. At one point I asked my mom if what my future wife was doing was a hint. She said, "No, they're not." I said, "Oh." I was confused until my mom said, "Those are outright, blatant flirting."
Yeah, I was that clueless.
Now, not every man will be that clueless, but I think what my wife did would have worked on a lot of them. And for others, you can still be more subtle.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#524My friend and his wife just had twins (she’s 56). Sure IVF is a pain, expensive, and can take time… but worrying less about your clock may make remove a stressor that’s getting in the way of successful dating. Freeze your eggs if you haven’t done so, keep dating, try and get honest feedback from friend by double dating, and keep your expectations in check. My wife is the most amazing woman in the world and there’s no…
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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#525I don't want to hurt you but reading your story it strikes me that you haven't give coincidence a chance, not everything in life can be reached by hard working towards your goals. A lot of things in life are random shit. sometimes you need to give life a chance by doing nothing.
Success with your quest.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#526I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…
Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.
Damn, how did you get away with this comment in 2022
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#527I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…
Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.
Speak for yourself! A partner is exactly what I want. I don't need a cook or a housekeeper; if I did, I'd hire one. I want to be part of a team of equals, or I'd rather be single.
I am not speaking hypothetically. It was a real problem for me when my ex-wife lost her job, gave up looking for another, and just... turned herself into a housewife. I could not relate to her anymore. This was not the issue which ultimately broke our marriage, but it certainly didn't help.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#528No post body was provided.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#529Earlier quoted context omitted.
Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.
Damn, how did you get away with this comment in 2022
Just because it’s current year doesn’t mean our biology changes.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#530Earlier quoted context omitted.
Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…
very well written. thank you! two thoughts that came up: - your 3 Ps sounds like a lot like I imaging older generations (older than me, mid20). Do you think this is changing with newer generations? As you said, this all is pretty much bullshit... - From what OP said, she's more on the intellectual side. Men (or human in general) on this side might be more open and doesn't follow the cave man 'uga-uga' mentality
Thanks!
To answer your ?s and speak to your comment:
- Short answer: Probably never. The 3Ps theory is well established in academic masculinist studies. A good overview of the 3Ps comes from Gilmore's 1991 book Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity if you want to learn more. Very briefly, all males conform to these Ps to participate in male honor. Yes, many males do not, but they are then without honor, and therefore considered not 'real' men in their culture. Honor is redefined here to encompass more than just the classical concept and is more a pan-male term, it gets a bit wonky. Man is also generally defined as 'not a boy', not 'not a woman'(sorry for all the nots here). The book does a much better job at introducing the ideas than a little HN comment could. In the end, I fail to see how any generation is going to escape ~200,000 years of human history. I could be very very wrong though!
https://www.amazon.com/Manhood-Making-Cultural-Concepts-Masc...
- It's not caveman, it's a theory of how men work in their culture and in almost all cultures we know of (the book goes into the exceptions and how they 'prove the rule' essentially). In the culture of Texas, 'real men' possess these three Ps, or at least have 2 Ps in above average amounts. HN isn't the best place to really dive into it, as most of the men here have above average Provider traits due to the income from tech jobs. It kinda blinds them to men that have to rely on the Protector and Procreator roles for their honor. I want to stress, Provider is not just income.
OP being a selector, and not a selectee, changes the equation a lot, of course. However, understanding the psychology of the men she is dating and their need of the 3Ps may help her address why her strategy is failing. Fluffing up the Protector role, or choosing men that have a lot of strengths in that role, may lead to more success.