Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

441–450 of 741 posts

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#441

Post by tqkxzugoaupvwqr »

msandford wrote: post #192

Obviously it's hard to be insightful without knowing you. But having been on that many dates without any relationships would seem to indicate you're good at saying no. Oftentimes people talk about lowering your standards if you aren't finding a mate. But that's basically impossible advice to take. Nobody thinks their standards are unreasonable or unrealistic. I wonder if it might help to look for reasons to say yes.…

> I wonder if it might help to look for reasons to say yes.

She should try it. It sounded very much like she focuses on finding reasons to say no.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#442

Post by isitmadeofglass »

actfrench wrote: post #250
deanmoriarty wrote: post #148

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578 ), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective. Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited…

Thanks for sharing your article ! Looking forward to reading it! And thank you even more for taking the time to share your advice with me. Your time is precious and the fact you’d take time for me who you don’t even know means a lot. So…. With regards to your first point, I am definitely a weirdo and proud of it! One of my favorite teachers says, “weird is wonderful !” Who else but a bonafide weirdo would post such a…

> Would anyone say that someone is being too selective on choosing their CTO ?

If you’ve been searching for 3 years and the list of 120 viable candidates have been exhausted all because the CEO “wasn’t feeling it” with every single candidate while they each go on to become successful CTO’s of other companies. The yes, yes of cause everyone would say that they where being too selective on choosing their CTO.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#443

Post by ostenning »

marrgTA wrote: post #268
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

I’m sorry but I find this overly simplified psychological model of men quite demeaning. Sure you will find men who do fit this model, but why the hell would you want to?

You are essentially asking op to change who she is to fit into an outdated model of the world.

Moreover the person she finds will likely be completely incompatible for her and even abusive toward her.

This is bad advice

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#444

Post by antman »

That is an excellent checklist, of your actions. That should amount to meeting thousands of people? I am sure there is a list of why you dropped all of them, or why they dropped you. Considering that above 50% of people you meat are mature enough for a relationship (actual research) readapt your criteria.

If the reasons are emotional on your part e.g. Dismissive or Disorganized(fearful) Attachment it will take you a couple of years. Look into Attachment styles on Personal Development School on youtube. It's like a cheatsheet/rabbithole for figuring how to make things work for you and others emotionally.

If you like people at the begining and then not so much, you might look into scaling up from therapist to psychiatrist for quicker results.

Choose someone you would like, be cautious of choosing someone who you think everybody else would like. Could you choose someone e.g. fat? Why not? What other social disproval criteria might have crept into your checklists?

It is streightforward but not always easy. Good Luck!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#445

Post by sloaken »

gamechangr wrote: post #392
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're "…

Great idea about the 'not in the next 2 years'. I would have fallen for that myself. Myself, we waited for 4 years after marriage to have our first. Looking back, I wish we had started off having kids. We have 2 ... I wish we had 4. Oh well.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#446

Post by duval »

actfrench wrote: post #323
whydoineedthis wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…

This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice

I have never once in my relationship considered who was smarter than who. What makes you so smart that this is even a thought?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#447

Post by EUV071STR48 »

marrgTA wrote: post #268
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

very well written. thank you!

two thoughts that came up:

- your 3 Ps sounds like a lot like I imaging older generations (older than me, mid20). Do you think this is changing with newer generations? As you said, this all is pretty much bullshit...

- From what OP said, she's more on the intellectual side. Men (or human in general) on this side might be more open and doesn't follow the cave man 'uga-uga' mentality

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#448

Post by em-bee »

fdhsbjasvh wrote: post #407
em-bee wrote: post #380

Earlier quoted context omitted.

she doesn't have to share the hobbies, but at least be supportive and encouraging. similar about work. but it goes both ways in my eyes. i should be able to be supportive of my wifes interests, and she should be supportive of mine. the interests don't need to be the same, but they should not conflict either.

The signal must be costly otherwise it is not a signal.

if you truly love someone then you care about their happiness, and that includes caring about their interests. you should naturally want to support their interests because you want to make them happy.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#449

Post by rich_sasha »

ostenning wrote: post #438
rich_sasha wrote: post #429

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love my kids without bounds, they are best served by two parents right now. The logistics of separated parent childcare, for now, outweigh the daily dredge of being a washing machine. As for later, who knows. Somewhere between the age of 0 and 30, you don't need your parents to hold your hand when you have a nightmare, when that time comes I'll think again.

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life. The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live…

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada.

The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

Post reply on HN