just accept, marriage is overrated, I'm 36 and unmarried also
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
431–440 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#432No post body was provided.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#433May I ask if you had relationships in the 20 to 25 years before? It reads very much like you noticed your fertile time is running out and want to find someone for the very first time.
Suggestion of another strategy: Get pregnant artificially and enjoy your time with your baby. This let’s you live half your dream and relax. Being relaxed may in turn lead to getting to know a man that wants you to be present in his life.
You are also entering an age range where men have children from previous relationships, are divorced and want a simple and happy life without many obligations. The arrangement I see is “You and I have our flaws but I like you and want to spend time with you.”
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#434Earlier quoted context omitted.
> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…
Maybe she wants to rule out potentialy abusive partners this way. Someone who isn't sensible enough to mention such things on a first date raises too many flags. The fertility questions are already in abusive language territory even if they're well intended.
I think you may have misunderstood me: She is absolutely right in rejecting such interactions, because they betray a selfishness (in the bad sense) on his part, and good sensibility on her part to say no.
The point of my comment is to raise awareness of the overarching problem of ulterior motives no matter how benign in the end. At this late stage in the dating scene, almost EVERYONE will have it. And there is a certain ... "selfishness" isn't the right word (English is too morally blunt to describe this), but definitely need and time pressure on the part of people when it comes to dating for the ultimate goal of having a lasting relationship AND starting a family this late in the game. It's unavoidable that your motives get mixed and jumbled, so it's especially important to communicate this and not accidentally come off as "progeny first, you second".
I don't envy her or anyone in this position, because it's hard enough to communicate these when you ARE on the level and honorable, let alone trying to discern that from the selfish, abusive, whatnot people out there.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#435Earlier quoted context omitted.
Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…
Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .
The women not providing for herself being attractive seems like bullshit.
It's a lot easier to build a future with someone who makes good money.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#436Earlier quoted context omitted.
As a guy, on average you're actually getting more attractive as you age. For women, it works the opposite, which can understandably be very difficult for former hotties. The tables flip around 35-40 years old. Regardless, I wish you all the best and hope you find someone as awesome as I'm certain you are!
Funny. I feel I’m much more attractive now then when I was 30 and have heard the same from many women my age. Most people I meet think I’m 30, not 41. I eat really healthy, rarely drink, exercise more and have just learned better self-care, better fashion, better makeup and hair. Like a lot of nyc women, I’ve been constantly improving myself. A lot of men my age , by contrast seem to be balding and overweight…
> On average !
Btw I'm shaved head bald and people generally seem to dig it. Not everyone's cup of tea, but dudes really have not much control over the genetics involved. In my admittedly extremely biased opinion it's harsh to hold against someone.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#437Lower your standards.
And this is not discouragement. The reality just is that what kills relationships for almost everyone is that their own imagined standards are much higher than what reality has made available to them. You could be Gal Gadot and still be single if you only wanted and would not accept anything less than Ryan Reynolds. Yet everyday, people who you would view as completely undateable get together get married and start families, because they lowered their standards.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#438Earlier quoted context omitted.
Live life with no regrets my friend. Also, what do you think your kids would have you do, were they grownups? Also, maybe your wife needs the reality check?
I love my kids without bounds, they are best served by two parents right now. The logistics of separated parent childcare, for now, outweigh the daily dredge of being a washing machine. As for later, who knows. Somewhere between the age of 0 and 30, you don't need your parents to hold your hand when you have a nightmare, when that time comes I'll think again.
At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life.
The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live your life as a washing machine.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#439I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…
Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.
That's not true. Sure there are a lot of men that want a traditional wife to take care of the house, etc. But I'm not sure they are the majority of men in 2022. Lots of men out there certainly don't want or care if their wife is a homemaker. I, personally, and many people I know aren't particularly interested in that sort of wife and would prefer a "partner" that that has her own professional and personal life and goals equal to us.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#440May I ask if you had relationships in the 20 to 25 years before? It reads very much like you noticed your fertile time is running out and want to find someone for the very first time. Suggestion of another strategy: Get pregnant artificially and enjoy your time with your baby. This let’s you live half your dream and relax. Being relaxed may in turn lead to getting to know a man that wants you to be present in his lif…
Sure, it's a valid point and good to put out there, but it doesn't really match her goals:
> Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of falling in love and having a family of my own.
I think she is aiming for a more traditional family and has more romantic ideas about her relationship. But I could be wrong...
Let's wish her the best in any case :)