Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

As someone in his early 40s, who plunged back into dating during covid after divorce, I guess I might be able to give a perspective from the other side, as it were? Or at least offer a few disconnected observations.

1) My dating age range was set to 30 to 45. After going on a couple of dates with 30 year olds (and bearing in mind that I was last dating in my early 30s), I switched to 36 to 45 because My Word, when did 30 year olds get so _young_? This is a long-winded way of saying that older men only wanting younger women is by no means a universal.

2) Some men really want children, and some really don't, but most will go along with whatever happens, and be happy if it does. Most of my male friends with children validate this: they are happy to have children, but admit it happened because it was what their partners wanted. This is a long-winded way of suggesting that when it comes to evaluating potential partners, the buckets should be "definitely doesn't want children" (so, not for you) and "everyone else". You don't need to only sample from the "definitely wants children soon" bucket. That bucket is tiny.

3) Being indelicate, after 30 people age very differently. Aging well makes you a catch :).

I used "picky" in another reply and I apologize since this is obviously a sensitive subject and you're right that it's not the most generous word choice.

That said, I think you do need to find a balance. Using your CTO example: if you only interview a single person, you're certainly not selective enough. But if you spend over a year and interview 100+ qualified candidates and still haven't found a mutual fit, then yeah maybe you're being too selective, or just not realistic about how you stack up against the competition.

There's a saying in hiring that you might have heard that says "hire for strength, not lack of weakness". That might apply well in your case too as a way to kind of mentally smooth over accepting someone that maybe doesn't meet all your standards. Like maybe they're well below your physical attractiveness standards or not well spoken, but they're incredibly kind or funny or interesting to talk to.

If you're pursuing a guy that you would have also been interested in when you were 28 and in your physical prime, well, that probably means you've got a lot of competition that will be tough to overcome. Perhaps a weird way to think about it, but it's better if there's something faintly eww about him from your 28 year old self's perspective, that you're now willing to look past.

Anyway, I really wish you luck. You seem like a great person and it's a shame that simply by the mistake of waiting a bit too long in the biological game, you're in a tough spot. While men have their own set of challenges, we don't have to deal with a deadline on figuring these things out.

i don't know if you can see it, but a sister comment here that has been flagged states:

Makes sense.

Since she had no father, I suggest the Mr.Right must be somebody not only husband but also the father, irrespective of his age, i.e.must be the image of father the little girl has - the smartest man on the earth, the strongest man on the earth, etc etc....

i can vouch for this 100%. growing up with a single parent of the same gender does make you subconsciously look for that missing parent. and a part of the challenge is that you don't even know what you should be looking for, so you look for something that you imagine, but you most often end up with someone who is like the other parent that you do know.

Reminds me of my ex, who had a commitment phobia. While we gelled well and had no major conflicts of interest, she decided to hitch her luck to something else while waiting for "Mr. Perfect". Last time I met her, she's still unmarried, and now with eating disorder and her self-esteem driven to new lows. She's single, almost bitter, and while in a stable boring job with good remuneration, is still unhappy about the pace of events. It might be just because of the commitment issues. You need to leap into the unknown and drive out the fear of failure.

finding friends is really the best advice that can be given in just two words.