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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
321–330 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#322Are checklists common in the western/modern dating scene?
I came up with the concept of checklist from my female friends in the USA. I found the concept bizarre.
FWIW, male 35 yo here, background 3rd world asian country. I never had any checklist.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#323Earlier quoted context omitted.
I actually do quite agree with you, but that’s not me! I want someone kind, loyal, good in bed, happy, smart enough and yes, I’ll admit eager to grow and learn as a person. Don’t care a wit about six figures, vegan , though all my married women friends say I should !! :)
"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…
This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:)
A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#324Are checklists common in the western/modern dating scene? I came up with the concept of checklist from my female friends in the USA. I found the concept bizarre. FWIW, male 35 yo here, background 3rd world asian country. I never had any checklist.
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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#325Perhaps surrender to the idea of "having an accident" as a blessing. I mean that in multiple ways. You sound quite analytical, that means you'll be able to figure out any problem your family ever requires of you. Surrender to passion, have some fun, make love, the babies are what matter more than anything. You don't need to be convinced that you love someone to have a child, you can make the relationship work and find love within it. The love of a child vs a partner is a thing of itself to sprout purpose and 'family.'
It's about the kids, relationships follow after. You have a fear of being a single mom. Try to release that fear. Less mind, more gut. The mind can't feel passion, it directly convinces oneself to avoid it. Passion, love, is very much in the moment and also in and out. Obviously you'd sense a deadbeat. Obviously you have good head on your shoulders. Let fate do its thing and stop over analyzing.
Set an intention that you're going to have a kid, surrender to the universe and flow with what comes your way. More like dancing, less like tests. You know pretty immediately if you vibe on the dance floor. Swing with that flow and just listen to that heart.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#326Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don’t believe in the concept of out of your league or better or worse people . I don’t think there are better or worse people. I’ve dated all kind of guys, the last one I truly loved most people said was way “below my league” but love doesn’t work that way. It’s about fit.
This is fascinating. Describe that fit. What is it that drew you to him initially? What traits differentiate him from others you've met? If your tastes are less aligned with typical as this suggests that bodes well for your prospects.
It just felt easy together. And I felt he deeply saw me for who I was.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#327Earlier quoted context omitted.
You don't like the fellas you went out with? 0 for 120? Surely at least a few of them liked you. How many 2nd and 3rd dates did you have?
Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit. The ones I did go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself, usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the field.
Almost 120 men asked you on a second date and you always found compelling reasons to not accept?
I think we have a winner.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#328Earlier quoted context omitted.
Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…
Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .
I can’t relate to this “three Ps” thing at all. I just want a partner who is deep thinking (most important), reasonably kind, and reasonably good looking.
I couldn’t give two shits about some weird notion of being a provider or a protector. Income, strength? It doesn’t come into the equation for me. But then, I also don’t have a strong need to be a procreator.
I have no success dating due to my own seemingly excessive standards (almost impossible to find deep thinkers) so I can’t give any advice on that front.
But you shouldn’t rule out being a single mother, because I suspect you’d regret that once it’s no longer possible.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#329Earlier quoted context omitted.
All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…
Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.
I think men today are not as fertile as they used to be in Gen-X
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#330English is not my native language. But I have some advice for you to learn from the best (not from me):
There is 99.99% of everyone comments in this thread who can't give you the best advice - because everyone is not enlightened.
You should try to learn/understand Buddha. He is a real person, he left the throne and didn't live a family life. Try to find basic Buddhist books, I believe you'll be happier when you understand monk don't want to get married.