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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#281

Post by StillBored »

bsder wrote: post #143

A) Austin is not really a great city for somone single in their 40s--especially female. There's just too many young people you're competing against because of both the University and the "Live Music Scene". In addition, becasue you're in Texas, you've got a bunch of religious-affiliated men who will likely screen you out for various reasons (education, mostly). Some place like Pittsburgh would probably be better. B)…

As a male a decade+ ago, I played a similar game and came to similar conclusions, the perfect fit of a a half dozen or so attributes were maybe 3-4 women in the entire city.

Which basically meant 0 chance for all intents, even if I manged to locate one, the chances I was going to be their dream man was unlikely.

As a married man, I think the key is just finding someone willing, who its possible to make it work with.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#282

Post by norwalkbear »

actfrench wrote: post #84
meirelles wrote: post #54

You're not going to like it, but I think the men you usually find attractive are out of your league Also, unfortunately, in today's society, high value men have less incentive to settle down. That is sad. Someone desirable to you, probably is for many other girls too, and they know that You might be a great person/woman, but might have something turning down people as well... I can't say. We, internet strangers, can'…

I don’t believe in the concept of out of your league or better or worse people . I don’t think there are better or worse people. I’ve dated all kind of guys, the last one I truly loved most people said was way “below my league” but love doesn’t work that way. It’s about fit.

Men and women have different qualifiers about leagues. They often see career women as a negative so he might have viewed you as a lower league too.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#283

Post by fdhsbjasvh »

The real hack is to pretend to be very interested in something men are interested in and keep up that pretense for the rest of your life. Like the female equivalent of salsa. Sure it sucks, it's a big investment of effort and time in something you have absolutely no innate interest in, but it serves as a costly signal on your willingness to compromise. I'd probably wife up the first woman who shared any of my hobbies. The other hack is niche marketing. You don't try to be all things to all people, nor go for the same men most other women go for, you look for an underserved market. You can combine the two by picking up an esoteric hobby that typically only men do.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#284

Post by fdhsbjasvh »

klipt wrote: post #236
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #229

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.

But do you know how many tried and failed? The chance of failure at 40 is definitely higher than 30 (unless you froze eggs when younger). > The percentage of IVF cycle starts that resulted in live births was 41.5% in women younger than 35 years, 31.9% in women aged 35–37 years, 22.1% in women aged 38–40 years, 12.4% in women aged 41–42 years, 5% in women aged 43–44 years, and 1 % for women older than 44 years. In con…

This is one of the statistical realities I really wish society was more open about. It would really help women make proper informed decisions.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#285

Post by actfrench »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #229
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.

I’ve given a couple of these guys lessons on women’s reproductive health :) hopefully it will benefit the next woman on bumble they meet !

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#286

Post by actfrench »

klipt wrote: post #236
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #229

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.

But do you know how many tried and failed? The chance of failure at 40 is definitely higher than 30 (unless you froze eggs when younger). > The percentage of IVF cycle starts that resulted in live births was 41.5% in women younger than 35 years, 31.9% in women aged 35–37 years, 22.1% in women aged 38–40 years, 12.4% in women aged 41–42 years, 5% in women aged 43–44 years, and 1 % for women older than 44 years. In con…

Are either of you women ? This is seriously obnoxious to ask about on a first date and ignores the reality that many women such as myself , fortunately are quite fertile and capable of having children.

I’m sorry but a woman would not post this BS

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#287

Post by actfrench »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #222
actfrench wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

It would likely have been the end had she not invited me to ice cream. I’ll share this other funny story. I had decided I was not going to be aggressive making the first move. Fun as they were, I was past looking for sexually-centered ‘relationships’, and I felt moving a little slower than usual would help me find the long term relationship I was looking for. I show up for our fourth date. She’s curt and says come in…

I really like you and I really really like your wife. Your wife is proactive and you’re spending your evening giving love advice to a sad 41 year old lady. You two rock.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#289

Post by actfrench »

throw34 wrote: post #241
actfrench wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

> A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Also, from my personal experience, what you want is going to change over time. And even if someone checks your boxes today, they’re unlikely to be that same person in 10 years. Being a parent changed me a lot (hopefully for the better) and 20s me, 30s me, 40s me are all pretty different guys in terms of priorities, willingness to listen to…

I know I love to grow and change and adapt. It’s a little challenging to tell if the person you meet is an adapter or a communicator . Everyone says communication in a relationship is important but the reality can be different. Is there some way early on you could tell your partner was someone willing to adapt ?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#290

Post by actfrench »

adamfaliq wrote: post #279
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

You can be strategic about it. But the outcome of 'getting a partner' is not within anyone's control. You can only present the best version of yourself, but you can't control who will and won't like you. We're only humans after all.

So true.
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