Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

201–210 of 812 posts

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#201

Post by aliswe »

giantg2 wrote: post #83
snarf21 wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Divorced and looking back, the root cause of this (in my experience) is a lack of empathy. Love is easy to come by while empathy requires walking in someone else's shoes. I understand this Same Fight because I lived through that. It is never about that thing, it is about not being seen. As the author is processing his divorce, it is good he sees that there is value in doing something selflessly. However, I can't help…

"Force the other person to plan weeks of meals, keep the pantry stocked, etc. shines a bigger light on the unseen work and value each partner is providing." If my wife were doing this, our grocery bill would double and it would all be frozen dinners and takeout. I'm not sure I trust her to do safety critical mechanic work either. So maybe switching isn't great for some tasks. Edit: It seems people disagree. Why? All…

Voting system is unforgiving.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#202

Post by qiskit »

Cerium wrote: post #43
DanHulton wrote: post #22

There is a whole other potential article out there that could be written from the ex-wife's side - "My marriage died because I couldn't make this one simple sacrifice". And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing…

Years ago I learned this lesson about marriage while on a trip in South Western China. I joined a tour group to see a mountain for a few days. My party was six and the van sat eight, so the driver got another couple to join us. They were fascinating. We learned over meals together that they were an arraigned marriage. At the time I had extremely negative views around the practice, thanks to growing up in the USA wher…

> At the time I had extremely negative views around the practice, thanks to growing up in the USA where we celebrate our freedom to choose the perfect partner.

For most of american history, "arranged" marriages were the norm and was based in communal, religous and practical realities. The disneyified idea of marriage is a modern PR invention primarily to get more business activity. Just like the idea of proposing with a diamond ring. It's amazing how easily and quickly media can change minds individually and collectively and alter history/culture.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#203

Post by pcthrowaway »

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me)

I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were important to her if we postponed an argument for a few days, so she wanted to have them now and that was disruptive of my work (I WFH, she studies from home). I might miss an entire day of work because of some minor thing that exploded into a 6 hour argument, while I was trying to disengage the whole time, but couldn't.

A couple weeks ago I had enough, and decided I needed more autonomy, and moved out. I didn't want that to be the end of relationship, but for her it was the end.

Not sure what my point is, I just wanted to get it off my chest. Sometimes these seemingly minor things may just be a sign of deeper incompatibilities.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#204

Post by funcantor »

greenonions wrote: post #131
perpetuummobile wrote: post #93

I struggle with this myself. At the risk of sounding misogynistic: How come it’s always women who can’t deal with these “minor irritations”? I’ve never heard from any of my male friends complaining in this tack.

As a counter question: why do men not recognize that these simple tasks make women feel loved and respected? My own father is the perfect example of a man who cannot deal with these minor irritations. My mother complies with his requests and their relationship is maintained. If you read the article, it's not that the irritation is minor. Of course it's a very small task. The issue is that the (often male) partner nev…

You've been in plenty of relationships, enough even, that you can make the claim that "often male" partners are not able to tolerate minor irritations?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#205

Post by em-bee »

jelliclesfarm wrote: post #185
perpetuummobile wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Feel free to downvote but please tell me why I am wrong. I legitimately struggle with this as is obviously clear from my tone.

1. It is not ‘always women’. Men are also rankled by such things. 2. Women have to deal with the pressure of feminism. For example: I like to cook. I love feeding people and don’t think of it as chore that oppressed women, but I have friends who will not cook(and I know they don’t hate cooking) because they have to make a feminist point. 3. I grew up in India and there is a very vibrant food culture. To be able to co…

the problem with hired help is that is severely reduces the privacy of your home because you always have someone around who is not family. depending on your culture this can be a serious dampener on things like intimacy in your relationship.

my understanding is that in india you don't even show intimacy in front of your children, so this part is very much limited to your bedroom. which means the hired help is rarely going to be a problem. in western culture intimacy is more open, and any stranger around becomes a disruption.

it is also a cost issue. i don't know about the US but hired help in europe is a lot more expensive. in germany for example you'd even have to pay for their insurance so the average middle income family simply can't afford it.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#206

Post by brewdad »

ceejayoz wrote: post #117
Jiro wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's the theory that the aliens are really demons and it's not water they're vulnerable to, but holy water .

A kid is filling cups with tap water to drink. At what point is a priest blessing them all?

My in-laws had their house blessed by their priest shortly after moving in. They do the same with their cars. Perhaps a house, properly blessed, provides the necessary protection?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#208

Post by SideburnsOfDoom »

chasingthewind wrote: post #144
Dobbs wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This isn't about the dishes. The dishes are just a symptom of the unequal divide of emotional labour in most relationships. Even in relationships where both parents work full time more often than not the majority of the mental and physical burden of running the house tends to fall onto the woman. Of course this isn't an absolute, but it does tend to hold true. You can see this at the outbreak of COVID where many wome…

I don't think you're using the term "Emotional Labor" in the usual sense [0] "Emotional labor is the process of managing feelings and expressions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job." I do see people broaden the meaning of this term to mean almost anything that women do above and beyond a fair split of work, but I think your argument would be clearer if you just to it as the unequal divide of "housework" o…

I think the correct term here is "Cognitive labour" not "Emotional Labor"

https://behavioralscientist.org/how-couples-share-cognitive-...

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-lo...

In other words if I actually do put the dishes away and take the trash out, _but only when asked to_; then my partner would be within their rights to tell me to grow up and do the necessary when it obviously needs doing, to stop being passive and share some of the "Cognitive labour" of worrying about the to-do-list.

And if I don't even do it when asked ... well then I'm just adding to their cognitive labour.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#209

Post by giantg2 »

em-bee wrote: post #193
giantg2 wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife put some water in the microwave for tea and left the room. When it was done, I put the tea ball in it and set the timer for her. Thinking that she would be back in the room in a few minutes and the timer would let her know it was ready. Instead of thank you for starting her tea, I was told I was "too controlling". Ok... I guess I won't do nice random things like start your tea from now on.

did you talk about it afterwards? being "too controlling" is a very serious accusation and points to something deeper. don't just dismiss her complaint but try to understand it. also try to explain to her in what spirit you made the tee for her. you think you were doing a random nice thing, she felt you are controlling, so clearly she didn't feel you did something nice to her. this makes me think about the book "the…

"did you talk about it afterwards?"

I tried. She simply said it was controlling and couldn't explain it further.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#210

Post by [deleted] »

DanHulton wrote: post #22

There is a whole other potential article out there that could be written from the ex-wife's side - "My marriage died because I couldn't make this one simple sacrifice". And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing…

[deleted]
Post reply on HN