I need to stop being boring • Hacker News Board

Re: I need to stop being boring

#211

Post by qw3rty01 » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 9:38 PM UTC

k_sze wrote: post #154

efitz wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you keep doing things that don't make you happy? Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Can't you take your kids to the park, show them stuff and talk to them about it? One of the cool things that most adults forget about childhood is that everything is new for kids. Even stuff that kids are used to; they have really only scratched the surface of- they ha…

> Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Because this is Hong Kong, and if you want to get into a good high school, and then a good university later in life, this is what you do here, unless either A) your kid has really high IQ and would skip years or B) you are rich and don't mind just paying your way through international schools. My kids are not case A), and…

Just want to emphasize the last sentence of the parent post, some of what you were describing really sounds like either leading to, or full blown depression, and want to mirror the recommendation to get professional help even if it feels like it would be a waste of time or bother people around you

Re: I need to stop being boring

#212

Post by notch656a » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 9:40 PM UTC

m4x wrote: post #206

hungryforcodes wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If there is one category of people who are extremely borinf its parents. I have no kids and the world opens up to me. I can travel where I want, date who I want, read what I like and engage in interesting discussions with people on the street that I've just randomly met. When I hang out with my parent friends they have one mono topic of conversation: their kids and related subjects.

Why can't parents travel, date new people, have ridiculously cool hobbies, read, and talk to random people on the street? As far as conversation topics go, my friends and I rarely spend more than a few minutes here and there discussing our kids. We all have much more interesting things to talk about and kids don't really come up. I guess you're extrapolating too much based on your own personal experience. I won't arg…

Before I had kids I used to travel and voluntarily fight in foreign warzones, go into dangerous ghettos in countries like Paraguay, and go deep into forest for weeks in freezing weather that either a young child can't reliably survive or that the mother would never allow. Any of these things would most definitely get child services called were I to actually share I brought I child in that activity.

Those are the things that brought joy and interest to my life.

Can you explain how I can do those things as a parent? Parenthood is the long stride on low gear. Before I may have been mugged or killed in a barrio or shot by ISIS but it was far more interesting.

I think a lot of parents lie to themselves. You can always a borrow a or foster a kid if you want to do kid activities, but you can't just get rid of your own kid. On that alone your life becomes much less interesting, at least in my case. If the things you find interesting are child friendly, your mileage may vary.

I do try to take the conversation away from children when talking to fellow parents but there's a percentage of which you can't derail because they have little to offer to talk about other than children.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#213

Post by olyjohn » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 9:40 PM UTC

100011_100001 wrote: post #87

mattgreenrocks wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am convinced everyone needs a certain amount of stress in their lives. Too little and you end up super-existential; too much and you end up feeling burnt out. It took me a long time to acclimate to having children. I probably had postpartum depression as a dad. Especially early on, kids are a big stressor, and having them should be a deliberate choice. It’s also the most impactful work you will ever do, and once yo…

This is very true. Stressors allow you to grow. One of the weird things is seeing friends that never had kids be exactly the same 10-20 years later, doing the same things, talking about the same stuff. It always shows me how much I have grown and how much they haven't. I am in my 40s, and it's weird seeing my friends of 20 years remain static. The only ones that have changed are either people with children or a big c…

I guess... What I see is people with or without kids who stay the same, and people with or without kids who change. I can't honestly tell that "having kids" is the factor, or maybe some people change while others stay the same. What exactly is wrong with either way?

Re: I need to stop being boring

#214

Post by skulk » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 9:44 PM UTC

Minor49er wrote: post #146

pkoird wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That making friends bit is proving to be a bit difficult for me at the moment.

What's getting in your way?

As a 20-something year old, trying to make friends with people that you don't know is an incredibly frustrating experience because there's a good chance that the group you're trying to join were friends since childhood. No matter who you meet at this age, it seems that there is always a group they're a part of that you need to get acceptance with before you can call it a "friendship".

This isn't to say it's straight up impossible to make individual friends or join a friend group, but attempting to make friends but being treated in a lukewarm way by their clique goes a LONG way to reinforce avoidant behavior, even without an explicit rejection. Sitting in my room and learning math is far more enjoyable than that, so that's what I'll end up doing.

Once I move away from the place all of my childhood friends are, I have no idea what's going to happen.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#215

Post by Melting_Harps » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 9:48 PM UTC

pavlov wrote: post #95

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

I’m a parent of two children and most of the time I’m extremely bored and struggling for motivation. My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly…

> I’m a parent of two children and most of the time I’m extremely bored and struggling for motivation.

>>My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly orthogonal in my anecdotal experience.

I think this anecdote needs to become more mainstream form of advice, people are so quick to suggest having kids as a cure-all for people's depression or other mental health issues like it's just going to make everything else disappear.

Personally speaking I'm sorry to hear this, but this is also why I have put-off having kids--although its mainly for environmental issues, I can't see how people can in good-faith bring children into a World in which they will inherit such catastrophic climate change and a World where it's still possible that aging kleptocrats can shell and occupy a nuclear power plant, one of which was the location of the most dangerous environmental disasters of the 20th century and most people shrug it off and care more about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock!

Still, I don't know what the source of your depression is, and this is kind of harsh, but you are a cautionary tale for people like me: I have bouts of crippling weltschmertz after a life of being an environmentalist activist with a background in tech as a founder that merged the two together. As you can imagine it's certainly not as lucrative as destroying the World, and that is the saddest thing.

After 20 years at least I can go down knowing that while most of my existence have been a mix between Pyrrhic victories and burnout that I did more than I ever thought I would given the World I was forced to inherit.

My angst, rage and anger was channeled into something positive, and it helps but it's a corrosive and toxic form of fuel that corrodes you from within; hopefully you will in time be able to use the same energy draining you to do something that helps alleviate your situation.

The only time I don't feel the Weltschertz is when I'm building, the problem is that I can't anymore after destroying my body after 20 years of living this way and I'm having to heal all of these injuries: physical as well as mental.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#216

Post by long_time_gone » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 9:59 PM UTC

verisimi wrote: post #147

ChicagoBoy11 wrote: post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think folks' mileage vary significantly on this, and partly due to a distinction I'd make between being bored and not having energy. I used to know a family that was as creative as folks would come (immediate family had renowned authors, world class academics, illustrator, etc.), and it was clear that the children played such a central role in continuing to foster a culture that was very creative and "alive." But,…

> But, it was also true that both parents had WFH jobs (this was over a decade ago), extremely flexible schedules, and were very well off Well, exactly. Its easier to be creative if you don't have financial or time constraints.

With all of the tools we've built to optimize our time, you'd think we would be more creative.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#217

Post by cultofmetatron » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 10:02 PM UTC

k_sze wrote: post #154

efitz wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you keep doing things that don't make you happy? Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Can't you take your kids to the park, show them stuff and talk to them about it? One of the cool things that most adults forget about childhood is that everything is new for kids. Even stuff that kids are used to; they have really only scratched the surface of- they ha…

> Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Because this is Hong Kong, and if you want to get into a good high school, and then a good university later in life, this is what you do here, unless either A) your kid has really high IQ and would skip years or B) you are rich and don't mind just paying your way through international schools. My kids are not case A), and…

sounds like a dystopian nightmare. Makes me glad to live in a country where not getting into the best school doesn't automatically doom you to a lifetime of failure.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#218

Post by cultofmetatron » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 10:06 PM UTC

m4x wrote: post #206

hungryforcodes wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If there is one category of people who are extremely borinf its parents. I have no kids and the world opens up to me. I can travel where I want, date who I want, read what I like and engage in interesting discussions with people on the street that I've just randomly met. When I hang out with my parent friends they have one mono topic of conversation: their kids and related subjects.

Why can't parents travel, date new people, have ridiculously cool hobbies, read, and talk to random people on the street? As far as conversation topics go, my friends and I rarely spend more than a few minutes here and there discussing our kids. We all have much more interesting things to talk about and kids don't really come up. I guess you're extrapolating too much based on your own personal experience. I won't arg…

> Why can't parents travel, date new people, have ridiculously cool hobbies, read, and talk to random people on the street?

because all that stuff costs time and money.

realistically, you'd need to make enough money to cover the kid's stuff and saving. if you have anything left after that, only then can you devote anything to travel or hobbies.

I'm currently in the same boat as the guy above. what I make could comfortable support a family but I can instead help my girlfriend pay for college and hop between countries whenever I feel like it while pursuing learning electronics. I wouldn't be able to do these things if I was stuck paying rent on a house and covering food/ activities for a child.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#219

Post by Sinidir » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 10:10 PM UTC

hoseja wrote: post #18

nonrandomstring wrote: post #16

> So what went wrong? My gut feeling is that I am boring. A lot of pain seems to come from a poor vocabulary about feelings. What is boring? It's a weak and flattened word like the feelings it's used about. Do you mean avolition, acedia, irascibility, dissatisfaction, insensibility, repression, discouragement, ambivalence, anxiety? The Psychology of the Emotions by Neal Burton is a fair place to continue the introspe…

And then you learn about survivorship bias.

Bingo!

Re: I need to stop being boring

#220

Post by notch656a » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 10:12 PM UTC

ALittleLight wrote: post #209

SketchySeaBeast wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it growth or simply change? There's an implication with "growth" that somehow you've become greater or better in some way. Is that the case, or are you just more focused on being a parent because that's who you have changed into?

I lived for a while single and without kids. When I finally got married and became a father my feeling was that it was like I had been playing a video game and stayed far too long in the first level. It's fun there, and easy, but there's a whole lot more out there. It can be harder, scary, relentlessly demanding - but also deeply fulfilling and wonderful. (I'd write more but there's a crying baby I've got to go help)

Weird, I felt the reverse. Staying the straight course married with kids is the first level where it's easy and many others are running the same program, and CPS or divorce loom if you actually seriously alter the routine or take serious dangerous risks. Society pretty much approves of the 'family' path. Being single was like hard mode where you could basically make your life as dangerous or as interesting as you like, and you didn't have to worry about risking the life of your wife or child. When I was a homeless single male, I could have been run over by a car in the street and no one would have given two shits, other than maybe to pickpocket my corpse.