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Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

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Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#81

Post by blaser-waffle »

nonrandomstring wrote: post #42

Be careful with thinking that deep work, expanding your mind, culture, emotional and spiritual literacy, philosophical, psychological and political understanding will make you better. You will become different. Whatever measures by which you discern 'better' before, will be irrelevant, almost laughable to the person you become. And beware too that growth can itself become a preoccupation. If you have goals like be mo…

> Be careful with thinking that deep work, expanding your mind, culture, emotional and spiritual literacy, philosophical, psychological and political understanding will make you better.

After watching my friends go to Peru to trip balls with shamans (or just go to Burning Man yearly) and "expand their mind" -- but not really change their lives in any meaningful way -- I'm highly skeptical of the "deep understanding" school.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#82

Post by hugohamelcom »

tashian wrote: post #15

I'm a lifelong engineer. I started programming when I was 12, studied computer engineering in college. But I've burned out a couple times. Most recently in 2016, burnout prompted a lot of inner work for me. At the time I was VP of engineering at the startup I founded, with a team of ten. Every day I saw how I was getting in my own way, and just how many opportunities I had to grow as a leader. But I couldn't actually…

I can totally relate on your journey, I had a similar one. Congrats on your work!

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#83

Post by adamcharnock »

Get. A. Therapist.

More importantly, get a therapist that you get on with. Get a therapist you can laugh and cry with. Get a therapist you can tell tell to fuck off when they tell you things that are hard to hear.

Therapy can positively affect so much of your life and I wish I had done it sooner. I was a pretty successful person before therapy by most measures, but every day I would still do things that would actively make my life worse. I couldn't see it at the time, but I did.

Now, every week I look forward to getting advice from someone who's job it is to help me and give good guidance. His job isn't to be my friend, or to love me, or to make me work. His job is to apply his expertise to encourage me, ask me important questions, and tell me when I'm being an idiot.

I had a good childhood, I don't have much trauma. Yet even so, therapy has made my life much much better. Mine costs £60/session (one per week), and I do it via Zoom. I am absolutely certain it will save me more money than it costs me.

I know the above OP seems to be asking about work. But I think this still applies. A good therapist will help you think through the available choices in your work life too.

And, if you'll forgive me a more emotional plea: If you are a man, this all goes double. The male suicide rate isn't where it is because we're all doing fine. It is where it is because we're not doing well at all but haven't really noticed.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#84

Post by lcfcjs »

plutonorm wrote: post #56
nonrandomstring wrote: post #42

Be careful with thinking that deep work, expanding your mind, culture, emotional and spiritual literacy, philosophical, psychological and political understanding will make you better. You will become different. Whatever measures by which you discern 'better' before, will be irrelevant, almost laughable to the person you become. And beware too that growth can itself become a preoccupation. If you have goals like be mo…

I discovered I don't enjoy programming at all and I was only ever trying to prove myself smart, because my father had hang ups about being stupid after getting brain damage. Programming itself is horrible, now I'm stuck in a career I hate (or rather I am now aware of my prison). I'm not sure knowing is better.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#85

Post by plutonorm »

dontbeevil1992 wrote: post #57
plutonorm wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I discovered I don't enjoy programming at all and I was only ever trying to prove myself smart, because my father had hang ups about being stupid after getting brain damage. Programming itself is horrible, now I'm stuck in a career I hate (or rather I am now aware of my prison). I'm not sure knowing is better.

in gestalt therapy this is called being at an impasse - you are in touch with yourself enough to know that you're not happy, but not yet sure how to change your life to be happy. long term I do believe it is better to be in touch with yourself even though there may be periods of discomfort or confusion. it's better to do that than to be humming along feeding your trauma until you reach the age of 50, have a mid-life…

I'm 40 and have a mortgage and a family, changing course is not easy. I've sent out hundreds of emails I got two interviews, both going nowhere. I went to do a startup with a friend with the hope of making something and then growing into a different role. But we haven't made much money and I'm still stuck in development.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#86

Post by AyyWS »

plutonorm wrote: post #56
nonrandomstring wrote: post #42

Be careful with thinking that deep work, expanding your mind, culture, emotional and spiritual literacy, philosophical, psychological and political understanding will make you better. You will become different. Whatever measures by which you discern 'better' before, will be irrelevant, almost laughable to the person you become. And beware too that growth can itself become a preoccupation. If you have goals like be mo…

I discovered I don't enjoy programming at all and I was only ever trying to prove myself smart, because my father had hang ups about being stupid after getting brain damage. Programming itself is horrible, now I'm stuck in a career I hate (or rather I am now aware of my prison). I'm not sure knowing is better.

Why not become a product owner, manager, technical sales, consultant, software architect, solution architect, technical evangelist, PM or some other dev adjacent role? I'm dev adjacent and 1/3 of my coworkers are ex-devs.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#87

Post by JackFr »

nonrandomstring wrote: post #66
plutonorm wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I discovered I don't enjoy programming at all and I was only ever trying to prove myself smart, because my father had hang ups about being stupid after getting brain damage. Programming itself is horrible, now I'm stuck in a career I hate (or rather I am now aware of my prison). I'm not sure knowing is better.

Programming is what you do. It's not what you are. And lot's of what you've learned will not be wasted on the new you, who I wish every happiness to in the future.

This.

It's nice to find meaning in your work, but doing so is a luxury not everyone cann afford. More importantly ones work should never be the only source for meaning, nor the most important.

There are competeing schools of thought that value and life satisfcation can be measured by what we produce and what we consume. Both those schools of thought are lies, or at least incomplete.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#88

Post by dontbeevil1992 »

narrator wrote: post #30

The most useful psychological technique I've found is Internal family systems (IFS). If you do it with a therapist, it can be very powerful, and mind bending, like a psychedelic trip. The way it helps productivity is when I can't motivate myself to do various tasks I use IFS to explore what's going on in my brain that fuels that procrastination. It takes me to memories and dusty corners of my brain that I rarely visi…

IFS is amazing.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#89

Post by dontbeevil1992 »

prions wrote: post #33
narrator wrote: post #30

The most useful psychological technique I've found is Internal family systems (IFS). If you do it with a therapist, it can be very powerful, and mind bending, like a psychedelic trip. The way it helps productivity is when I can't motivate myself to do various tasks I use IFS to explore what's going on in my brain that fuels that procrastination. It takes me to memories and dusty corners of my brain that I rarely visi…

IFS patient here as well. Totally agree on how powerful it can be, and how deep of a connection you can get with some far off parts of yourself. I find the whole concept a great mental model of how my mind works. Also as a software engineer whose always been on the analytical/intellectual side of reasoning, I prefer the psychodynamic nature IFS as opposed to modalities like CBT. Really helped open me up to being more…

that's awesome. I think CBT is really reductive. Quite pessimistic, as well - CBT seems to hold little hope of actually healing many issues, but only aims for symptom management. I think that's because it's not a very good therapy for many (most?) situations so it has to rationalize it by saying true healing is impossible.

Re: Ask HN: Have you invested in self-development and done inner work?

#90

Post by verelo »

hugohamelcom wrote: post #74
Invictus0 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a therapist but I'm thinking about stopping my sessions because I never felt that I needed it. I'm pretty well put together, not stressed or anxious, great people person, pretty much know exactly what I need to do all the time and good at getting stuff done. What are you supposed to talk about with a therapist if you don't really have any problems?

I would just add here that definitively not all therapist are good, and for me I've preferred some coaches, but again not all of them are good. But overall, usually coaches seems to have worked better for me.

I think this is a good piece of advice. Consider a) someone else to talk to b) maybe see them less frequently if things are legitimately good.
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