0) Everyone's path is different
1) Stop judging others, even if others are doing it
2) Develop an internal monologue of empathy
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
511–520 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#512I agree with others that social awkwardness is something that just lessens over time. I mean, you may still be awkward, but so is almost everyone else, and you realize that no one actually cares about your awkwardness. Actually, almost everyone else is focused on their own awkwardness. The smoothest talkers are those who have actively worked on their social skills and are even more self focused. So - socialize more,…
What drugs and therapy helped you?
Therapy is what helped me the most long term, and I think is the only really solution for true anxiety. It requires finding the right therapist though - I went through a few before I found someone. I put this off for so long because of the cost and, of course, the anxiety just meeting a new therapist. I think for me talking to a male therapist in particular really helped for some reason.
I used various drugs to help me "get through life" before therapy. My anxiety was completely crushing, and I felt I had no other choice.
In retrospect, I wish I had just gotten good therapy in my 20s, because living nearly 3 decades with intense social anxiety just really freakin' sucks and drags down all aspects of life. And with real long term anxiety, it takes a skilled third party to get your brain patterns to change enough to overcome it long term.
I'd say I also think I'm a "highly sensitive person", which means my primitive brain reacts more strongly to external stimuli. I think it explains a lot of my struggle in retrospect. I still feel stressed in social situations, but I know how to deal with it now mentally - I consciously recognize what is happening, and calm down the screaming part of my brain, and the anxiety mostly goes away.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#513Earlier quoted context omitted.
That’s a really ignorant take from ops post. That’s equivalent to saying stop being depressed to someone with depression. Sadly I don’t think it’s that simple.
I don't think it's ignorant at all. It's the advice everyone is going to give distilled down to it's essence.
Does it also apply to those with substance abuse problems? “Stop being an addiction.” It’s simple.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#514Earlier quoted context omitted.
I feel for short guys. Apparently it's ok for women to put "swipe right if over 6ft" on dating apps. I doubt I'd get much success with "swipe right if over 36D and you can deep throat" I've noticed the best dancer in a club is a short guy. Tall guys can just coast, but a bit of time in the gym definitely helps.
As a tall guy, I've always assumed that there is a reason most good male dancers I can think of are average height or shorter. Tall people just don't have the right body proportions and/or fluidity of movement. There's just something that looks gangly and weird when tall guys are dancing. Maybe that's just what I tell myself to feel better.
So, I normally stick very hard to tech topics on HN, but this (dance and tall folks) is so close to heart I have to chime in:
Have faith! Don't feel bad, lankiness while dancing is just "the emergent property" of what happens when a tall person is learning. Short dancers (of whom the 2 of the best footwork-heads in my old crew were) have their own pathologies to get over, it's not all free lunch, they just look differently when they do. And similarly, as they improve, they can gain a really distinctive style of crisp, clean, fast, small motions. HOWEVER, tall dancers aren't precluded from mastering styles that works with our body either, it just, tall as for short, takes practice. Have a link to one of my favorites, Kapela [0]. I can only hope it inspires others like it does me :) (Going to go do my footwork practice now, in fact, as talking about this got me excited.)
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#515Realizing ones own mortality, and a lot of spite.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#516To steal from Mitch Hedberg: I used to be awkward and shy; I still am too.
The biggest difference is that I care a lot less. And I’m more comfortable in my awkwardness. I embrace it. I am wired differently than most people I encounter.
Caring too much made it worse. You try to fit in too much, and you dissect every little thing you do. And then when you “mess up,” you beat yourself up for it. It’s brutal.
I think part of my evolution comes down to getting older. And life experience (somewhat related to age).
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#517Earlier quoted context omitted.
I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes. But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.
I personally recommend joining a local Toastmasters club. They can help you with speed, tone, volume, etc. It can benefit your conversational speech as well, not only public speaking.
Or a local speech course. I took an eight-week course in public speaking in college, and it was probably the most useful course I took there. I can do talks in front of tech groups or hobby groups... not without some sweating, but still more effectively than most people.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#518These comments make me feel like I'm getting old, which is weird to me. There are so many proactive comments that remind me of my 18 year old self. Social awkwardness, for me and for a lot of people I know, sort of just vanished with age. - The same kind of weird, unexplainable, vicious attitude that passes for cool among teenagers and some early adults fades for most people. The people who still adhere to that code…
Maybe we shouldn't take shyness for given, but ask what causes it... so that we can avoid that thing, when possible. One of the causes is people who bully you, or perhaps they don't bully you at the current moment, but they make it obvious that they could if you did something they don't approve of. So you spend a lot of thought worrying about not atracting their attention. Another cause is lack of actually useful thi…
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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#519Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…
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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#520Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don't think it's ignorant at all. It's the advice everyone is going to give distilled down to it's essence.
Does it also apply to those with substance abuse problems? “Stop being an addiction.” It’s simple.
But I didn't say that, you said that and attributed it to me.