381–390 of 568 posts
Stop giving a shit what people think of you, do what you want outside and behave however you want to in public.
That’s a really ignorant take from ops post. That’s equivalent to saying stop being depressed to someone with depression. Sadly I don’t think it’s that simple.
Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…
I don't really care about social awkwarness, but I'm annoyed that I used to be really good at presentations and training people, and I suck right now, because of lack of practice. And I didn't even actively practice before the presentation, I just jotted down a few ideas and was really passionate about the subject matter. Nowadays I find a lot of times that I stumble mid idea, forget what I was trying to show and generally break my flow a lot and find myself in "oh, snap, where did I lose them exactly?"
A couple of years of working as a contractor, changing jobs more frequently, the lockdowns and I didn't do a lot of presentations/idea sharing.
So yeah, practice and remember if you don't use it, you lose it.
Try volunteering somewhere. People are just happy enough that you're donating your time and effort that you can be more sure they won't mind your self-perceived inadequacies, even if you think they're noticeable. Having repeated positive interactions in a pretty reliable context like that can help give you a better subconscious ideation of what new people think of you. Volunteering will also improve your self concept…
Thanks, will put this on my to do list this week.
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Just a motherfucking second right there. I can vouch that for a minority of the population properly prescribed "strong" stimulants make a night-and-day difference in social ability. For me, it meant reading "cues" which I flat out could not do practically ever, became second nature. And I learned social skills that served me even after the beautiful molecules were out of my system. So in my particular case, these sti…
I felt very socially awkward in late primary school and high school. I was really afraid of being a stereotypical "nerd", which I clearly was (glasses, braces, good at class). I went to an all boys private school, and whilst I recognise the privelege of going there, I never fit in and felt like a loser. For a long time I kept trying to not appear like a nerd, but I failed and was often paralysed in social situations by the thought of not knowing the right thing to say. Needless to say, I had pretty poor self-esteem.
Eventually I got to a point where I gave up. I can't remember when exactly, maybe when I was 15/16, but I accepted the fact that I was a nerd loser and that I wouldn't have any friends or girlfriends and would probably live with my parents until they died. At the time I felt like I resigned myself to a life of unhappiness, but I was so sick of trying to not be a loser, since it didn't seem to be working.
But then the next day, going to school, I started chatting with someone who I wasn't quite friends with, and it felt easier. I later realised that by rejecting the idea of living up to other standards, I was free to be who I want and do what I want. I enjoyed maths and computers and games, and the only reason I felt bad for enjoying those things were because of other people's expectations on how I should be, or at least, my perception of other people's expectations. I still didn't like myself, but as I spent more time being my true self and not living up to others' standards, my self-esteem started to grow. I didn't fit in, but I no longer cared.
I found myself wanting to interact more with other people. I still had a lot of social anxiety, which was compounded by experiences of being socially awkward in many previous situations. But now, fostered by a level of self-respect I didn't have before, and a rejection of expectations of how to behave, I learned to trust my instincts and ignore those feelings of anxiety to ultimately connect with people.
Fast forward to today: I'm 32 and am currently changing careers from software development to mental health outreach. I still have some social anxiety, but it is far more manageable than in my high-school days. Sometimes it's worse than others, but it's nowhere near the cage it seemed to be when I was in my early teens. Not that it's the ultimate marker for my success, but I now have plenty of beautiful friends and a steady girlfriend.
I realise that this may not resonate with certain people, perhaps people who are neurodivergent and to whom "trust your instincts" isn't particularly helpful. But this was my experience and I am grateful for it.
Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…
I will also note that every substance comes with risk, and the best way to reduce that risk is to learn and know as much as you can about the substance and how it affects you. A lot of the general education around drugs is simply "don't do it", but there are plenty of reliable non-biased resources out there. A couple off the top of my head are:
These comments make me feel like I'm getting old, which is weird to me. There are so many proactive comments that remind me of my 18 year old self. Social awkwardness, for me and for a lot of people I know, sort of just vanished with age. - The same kind of weird, unexplainable, vicious attitude that passes for cool among teenagers and some early adults fades for most people. The people who still adhere to that code…
I was watching Euphoria these days, and reading your comment reminded me of a thought I had watching that. School is like prison. People are forced to spend most of their living hours with one another for long periods of time. So like in prison, weird social dynamic develops itself. Once you're out of prison, everything is much smoother. You can simply exit any toxic situations.
http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html
That essay was my first exposure to PG/YC/HN. At the time I was old enough that it felt like someone clearly articulating my past rather than giving me guidance for the future. I think I would have found it comforting in the 80s if it had been written then.