Awkward shyness is just a byproduct of empathy. You care about the people around you, even when you don't know them. It'll get better once you learn not to be ashamed of it. Alternatively you could become an asshole. They don't care about anyone, and they're full of confidence. I don't trust confident people.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
491–500 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#492Earlier quoted context omitted.
To me, "small talk" is mundane chit-chat that you do mostly to be polite or to break the ice. "Hi , weathers been awfully cold lately hasn't it? Yes, can't wait till summer. Did you watch the game yesterday? Anyway catch you later!" kind of things.
Yeah. It's small on that level. But it's not small if that is the conversation that allows someone you both haven't yet met to feel at ease in joining in to chat with you. That makes it powerful, because it leads on to people introducing themselves, more common ground being found, etc. Also, it might be the only kind of talk that can "break the ice" in the general case. I mean -- imagine replacing small talk with a d…
I see what you're saying. I agree, if it helps break the ice or is the "introduction" for further conversation, then it serves an important purpose. Even in the case of maintaining some kind of friendliness with a neighbour, that serves a purpose too, I suppose.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#493These comments make me feel like I'm getting old, which is weird to me. There are so many proactive comments that remind me of my 18 year old self. Social awkwardness, for me and for a lot of people I know, sort of just vanished with age. - The same kind of weird, unexplainable, vicious attitude that passes for cool among teenagers and some early adults fades for most people. The people who still adhere to that code…
I'm only in my early 20s, and the social awkwardness I sometimes felt in high school is mostly gone. I mean sure, there are still some awkward moments here and there. There probably will always be those few times. Unless you're a robot, you'll never not feel anxiety. I concur though: I'm not even "old" at all, just a couple years out of high school, and speaking to people even in difficult situations feels a lot easi…
Your experience still allows two interpretations: it could be either a consequence of getting older, or a consequence of no longer being at high school.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#494I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, general anxiety, and depression. I've always felt socially awkward and shy. However, at 35 years of age I was finally diagnosed as ADHD-PI (predominantly inattentive). Treating that has basically eliminated the social anxiety and shyness, since it seems those existed through the lens of the untreated ADHD-PI. I'm still me and am surely introverted, but I can function in a so…
How was it treated?
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#495I agree with others that social awkwardness is something that just lessens over time. I mean, you may still be awkward, but so is almost everyone else, and you realize that no one actually cares about your awkwardness. Actually, almost everyone else is focused on their own awkwardness. The smoothest talkers are those who have actively worked on their social skills and are even more self focused. So - socialize more,…
What drugs and therapy helped you?
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#496Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…
Just to build upon the Practice element you mentioned, any time you want to change something, then do exposure therapy Can you go to the bar, speak to 50 people, make 5 excellent business contacts and conquor the world? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 50 people? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 3 people? No Can you go to the bar? Yes Ok, this time go to the bar, if you're not ready to speak to people then…
I agree about practice, but going into a bar and making business connections is pretty different from going to the gym. In five minutes of googling you'll find excellent training programmes, so detailed that a child can follow them. But there is no manual for social interaction, it's much much harder to learn if it doesn't come natural to you.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#497Earlier quoted context omitted.
Not with that attitude my friend.
“Attitude” doesn’t make a difference. It makes no sense for anyone to bury their head in the sand and ignore reality. I took action early on. - I’ve been in above average shape for most of my adult life - I’m in my late 40s - I spent a 10+ year stint as a part time fitness instructor. Then life got crazy - By BigTech standards my compensation is meh. But I work remotely for BigTech in a mid cost of living area - I’ve…
What people say is not important, obviously no-one will say that, but in practice nobody cares how tall Mick Jagger is, or Gabe in The Office.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#498Earlier quoted context omitted.
I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes. But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.
There's a free short course on Udemy somewhere from Peter Barker who is a professional voice over artist. That's worth looking up - there's a section that covers correcting and improving a lot of common speech problems, from stuttering, talking too fast, mumbling, and how to improve the resonance of your voice. Might be worth a look.
Very interesting name for a voice coach.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#499These comments make me feel like I'm getting old, which is weird to me. There are so many proactive comments that remind me of my 18 year old self. Social awkwardness, for me and for a lot of people I know, sort of just vanished with age. - The same kind of weird, unexplainable, vicious attitude that passes for cool among teenagers and some early adults fades for most people. The people who still adhere to that code…
Maybe we shouldn't take shyness for given, but ask what causes it... so that we can avoid that thing, when possible.
One of the causes is people who bully you, or perhaps they don't bully you at the current moment, but they make it obvious that they could if you did something they don't approve of. So you spend a lot of thought worrying about not atracting their attention.
Another cause is lack of actually useful things to do, so people only compare themselves based on their popularity. If you suck at popularity contests, you are at the bottom of the social ladder. There is no way to compensate your lack of popularity by e.g. doing something that matters, because no one cares about that.
If you are adult and make enough money, you can make these problems go away. (Though you need to realize that you have this option; otherwise your own mind can keep you in prison for years.) Move away from the assholes; find friends who are nice. If something bad happens at your job, quit and find another one. Do things that you consider meaningful, and spend time with people who share your values.
And then at some moment you may look at the kids who were cool at high school, and realize that many of them turned out to be quite dysfunctional in real life. The greatest rebels have overdosed on drugs and died. The former playboys are divorced, and now they need to work two jobs in order to pay the child support. The ones who said the most impressive things... they still keep saying the same things, except no one is impressed anymore, because they see it as empty bullshit. The former shy kids are the ones doing interesting things now.
If you do something good, you get rewarded. It may be a social reward, from people who care about the same things. If you are lucky, there is also a financial reward. You realize the haters don't really matter; the dogs bark but the caravan goes on, and you are now a part of a caravan.
Suddenly, there is nothing to be shy about. Sure, there are still people who dislike you and dislike the things you do, etc. They just don't matter anymore.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#500Making art in the broad meaning of the word. I became an amateur actor. Then an amateur director. I forced myself to read poetry. That type of things helped me the most. I'm 54 now, but I started doing these things during my late teens.