Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#1

Post by dondraper36 » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 6:49 PM UTC

Recently, I cannot help but notice how shy and socially awkward I might be at times, which is quite frustrating.

To be fair to myself, I am not awful in social situations in that depending on the context I can be seemingly confident and calm, especially when I am among people I know and the context is familiar.

When it comes to new people and places, everything changes dramatically. My voice changes, my posture changes, everything changes. I can start being awkward in all possible senses.

The discomfort gets to the point where I blush and this physical state of vulnerability and self-doubt of course makes things even worse :)

I understand that all of that relates to self-esteem and phychology in general therefore my question.

It's common to advise hitting on the gym, which I just started doing last week. Funnily, the gym is the place where I last noticed my awkward behavior :)

If you have managed to deal with that and improve in that regard, what is your success story?

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#2

Post by wangii » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:03 PM UTC

I had my epiphany when I saw the guy, whom I believed to be the master of socialization, practiced his lines in the toilet before a big event. Relax, everybody is socially awkward.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#3

Post by Fauntleroy » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:04 PM UTC

How much experience do you have in social situations? If your answer is "not very much", the solution probably lies in exposure. Once something becomes routine, it's much easier to manage because so many elements of that thing become second nature. When you're inexperienced in social situations your mind is far more stressed with every little detail, which ultimately builds up into what most people call "awkwardness".

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#4

Post by breckenedge » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:05 PM UTC

There are very few psychiatrists here on HN, but tons of armchair psychiatrists. If you feel like you need help with socialization, I strongly recommend getting in touch with one. It’s not as uncommon as it seems.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#5

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:06 PM UTC

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#6

Post by Voeid » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:08 PM UTC

Define "improve", I myself do not see changing the way one behaves to fit some socially accepted standard as improvement of any kind whatsoever.

By the way, this question is off-topic here, please use reddit.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#7

Post by frontman1988 » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:09 PM UTC

Testosterone injections have really helped me. You can try increasing your T naturally

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#8

Post by themodelplumber » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:10 PM UTC

> depending on the context I can be seemingly confident and calm

This ought to be great to be able to know. It means you can probably moderate your social exposure to fit your experience level and build on a known foundation.

Success is much easier if you can define the social context you're aiming for beforehand, and slowly work at mastery. If you open the filter too much too early (i.e. I want to be able to be social anytime & anywhere), it's overwhelming.

Good luck, you got this. (Personality trainer)

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#9

Post by whatthesmack » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:10 PM UTC

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, general anxiety, and depression. I've always felt socially awkward and shy. However, at 35 years of age I was finally diagnosed as ADHD-PI (predominantly inattentive). Treating that has basically eliminated the social anxiety and shyness, since it seems those existed through the lens of the untreated ADHD-PI. I'm still me and am surely introverted, but I can function in a social setting without feeling awkward or shy... the interaction feels natural and honest. While the folks around me noticed a bit of change, I noticed an enjoyment of life that I never seemed to experience before. I feel I am a better father to my children, which is the most meaningful part of the change to me.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#10

Post by cseleborg » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 7:10 PM UTC

Similarly, I'm an introvert and quickly used to feel uncomfortable among people I didn't know. Parties used to be exhausting! Then I started my own business and had to learn to network. One very helpful idea, taken from the book "How to win friends and influence people" was to take (genuine) interest in the other people present. Instead of talking about myself, I like to ask people what they do, how they got there, what they like, etc. People loooove to talk about themselves, so it makes for very easy conversations, and slowly, each of those strengthened my confidence in such settings to the point where I actually enjoy them now (I still need breaks every 60 minutes to recharge alone before returning back into the crowd).