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The Lie That Made Me

torontolife.com

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Re: The Lie That Made Me

#61

Post by samtho »

MarkusWandel wrote: post #37

I'm not even remotely in the author's situation, but who hasn't sometimes resented some aspect of how they came to be? To which my own response is always "but that's what produced me! If anything had gone differently in even the minutest way (like which of those wiggly things wins the race) I wouldn't be here! Someone else would be. Case closed.

From personal experience, it’s rare that someone in this position resents how they came to be but rather how parental figures in their lives handle this information, purposefully withholding it from the party that had no say in the matter yet means the most to.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#62

Post by WalterBright »

At one of the military bases my dad was stationed at, he told me about a local woman who was going about this the old fashioned way. She was dark haired, and had 6 blonde boys. Every year when there was a new crew at the base, she'd show up at the local watering hole and scout out the tallest, blondest, smartest serviceman she could find, and you can guess the rest.

She never wanted anything else from those men, and her expenses were covered by welfare which paid for the kids.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#63

Post by samtho »

fortran77 wrote: post #43

Of course, if the doctor didn't do this, she wouldn't be here and someone else would have been. Does this woman not want to exist?

This is just a red herring argument. It is possible to be grateful to exist but resentful to how it came to happen.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#64

Post by bobthepanda »

maroonblazer wrote: post #55
madrox wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think people with families can be incredibly protective of it and anything that may create emotional upheaval in it. If I were in his situation, I'd be thinking more about how this might impact my wife or children. Depending on upbringing and religion, I can see it being immensely traumatic for the rest of the family. I'd care more about protecting that stability than satisfying my or my donor child's curiosity. Yo…

I'm still not grokking the trauma. It's a cliche, but impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent, in the sense that's relevant to your comment. It's investing the time, attention, emotional and financial resources that grants one that status. If I learned that my dad was not actually traveling on business but instead tending to his alternate family, that would be sad. If I learned that he had biological offspring…

Very few emotional responses are rational, and I'd hardly call any sort of reaction to this universal.

in a more precarious manner, our legal systems were not well updated to deal with IVF. Some states do not explicitly protect donors from being sued for child support. And even worse if the child was actually conceived.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#65

Post by samtho »

einpoklum wrote: post #18

While that doctor's behavior was indeed utterly unacceptable, I'm not sure I understand the insistence on figuring out which sperm donation got you pregnant (if you're the mother) or who exactly your biological father is. A hundred men donate sperm at some clinic, and then went on with their lives. If it were me, I doubt I would want to pick out one of them and try to pull them into my life. He hasn't done something…

> I'm not sure I understand the insistence on figuring out [...] who exactly your biological father is.

The importance of this is different for everyone in this situation and weighs on everyone different. When if you looked into a mirror and did not know or understand where literally half of you came from? Would you know what some sort of answer? If you grew up not fitting in with your family, it is only natural to want to know more lest you repress it and experience an identity crisis.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#66

Post by elzbardico »

nicolas_t wrote: post #50
anonporridge wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd love for this to be true, but it does conflict with various state policy decisions on the matter that seem to indicate at least a belief in the opposite. France's policy is particularly striking, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA_paternity_testing#France It is possible that state institutions make these policies based exactly on my assumption above, which seems like it could be incorrect. Or perhaps even 1-2% is…

France is incredibly regressive and conservative when it comes to anything related to genetics. For example, for people doing IVF, it's not allowed to test the embryos for viability. The argument is that such testing is too close to eugenics, so instead women doing IVF cannot get any guarantees that the embryos are viable and it makes the procedure harder. Doing a DNA test for yourself is also illegal... Surrogacy is…

Maybe they are not incredibly regressive and conservative. Maybe they are different. You may not agree with their position but it is very imperialistic to suppose that any custom or law which is not exactly as it is in America must be considered backwards.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#67

Post by bluehorseray »

WalterBright wrote: post #62

At one of the military bases my dad was stationed at, he told me about a local woman who was going about this the old fashioned way. She was dark haired, and had 6 blonde boys. Every year when there was a new crew at the base, she'd show up at the local watering hole and scout out the tallest, blondest, smartest serviceman she could find, and you can guess the rest. She never wanted anything else from those men, and…

To be fair that selection process is close enough to how it works for everyone in the world, minus not wanting anything to do with them hah

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#69

Post by qiskit »

WalterBright wrote: post #62

At one of the military bases my dad was stationed at, he told me about a local woman who was going about this the old fashioned way. She was dark haired, and had 6 blonde boys. Every year when there was a new crew at the base, she'd show up at the local watering hole and scout out the tallest, blondest, smartest serviceman she could find, and you can guess the rest. She never wanted anything else from those men, and…

> Every year when there was a new crew at the base, she'd show up at the local watering hole and scout out the tallest, blondest, smartest serviceman she could find, and you can guess the rest.

Did she give them an IQ test before inviting them to her place? How did she determine which one was the smartest? This reminds me of an article I read a while back about chinese women who were desperate to use US/EU sperm banks. But that may have been to use their children to get US/EU citizenship than raising blonde children.

> She never wanted anything else from those men, and her expenses were covered by welfare which paid for the kids.

That was decent of her. She could have sued these men for child support and possible ruined families and these men's lives. Not sure she was very nice to her fatherless children or to the taxpayers though.

Re: The Lie That Made Me

#70

Post by morgante »

madrox wrote: post #27

This is so incredibly sad. At this point in my life, I empathize with the involuntary donor quite a bit. While the author might not understand his position not wanting her to have any contact with him or his family, I certainly do. It's clear this doctor has a pattern of deceptive behavior beyond merely his practice. It's also clear that if one doctor does it, someone else has or will. I wonder how the medical board…

Yeah, I completely sympathize with the donor. He didn't want this child and should not be forced to add another family member because the author (selfishly) wants contact with her father.

The author is also clearly in denial. If she "didn’t care about finding [her] biological father" she wouldn't have put tremendous effort into it (including writing this article).

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