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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#461

Post by scyzoryk_xyz »

urban_strike wrote: post #225
dr_faustus wrote: post #103

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of yo…

> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their own I guess, and their kids the same, al…

I've noticed that everyone with kids tends to do two things: one is that they get along with other people who've had kids and they use that to create instant bonds of mutual understanding. And the other is that they take opportunities to convince those without kids to get kids. While I don't take offense, I do feel that there is usually an implication in there that someone without kids is somehow less trustworthy or less of a 'good' type of person, or inferior even.

It's definitely a cop out. There are probably as many assholes with kids as there are without kids in this world.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#462

Post by boomskats »

CorrectHorseBat wrote: post #439
drran wrote: post #401

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Buy a bike with matching frame for your height, with good double suspension, e.g. with front and rear RockShox or better, and raise the handlebar to a comfortable height. Your back will thank you. Install all safety systems: front and rear bike lights, mirror, reflectors, use helmet, reflectors, wear reflective jacket, etc. You must be visible at the road at all times. (I use no helmet, because I'm trained to fall pr…

> with front and rear RockShox or better If you're only biking on the road I wouldn't get that, only slows you down. >(I use no helmet, because I'm trained to fall properly, but I recommend to wear helmet until you fall at least 10 times.). Not sure if you're serious...

I used to work with someone who was an avid cyclist, in his mid 50s, and insisted you didn't need a helmet when cycling because 'if you think about it, when you're falling, you will use your hands to stop yourself - so all you really need is a decent pair of gloves'.

He was totally serious, and I assume the previous poster might also be. It's a slightly bizarre viewpoint, but not that dissimilar - this idea that you should wear a helmet to start with, and then stop wearing it once you're confident that you no longer need it because you know how to fall without it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#463

Post by Trasmatta »

xkbarkar wrote: post #223

I am 46 and I feel the same. I fill in all the advice tick boxes. Excellent physical health. I work out frequently and have no ailments other than slightly autistic personality. Great job and well compensated for it. Great economy, own my own place. Have adult child that has moved out and is doing well. On paper, I am doing extremely well. Inside, I wake up every morning really sorry I am still alive. This pointless…

This post is a good counter example to all the people in this thread saying "just have kids, that'll solve your problems". It's such an unbelievably narrow view that ignores the complexity of human existence.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#464

Post by lleb97a »

axegon_ wrote: post #85

I'm 33 and I'm in a very similar boat. Actually exactly the same to be completely honest. Several things have helped me cope with those thoughts. First one was force myself not to think about it. Whatever spare time I have, fill it up with something and avoid just sitting/laying down and contemplating. Books, walks, exercising, movies, stupid youtube videos, anything but giving myself the opportunity to think about i…

Thanks for posting. My approach as been very similar to yours, especially not sitting around contemplating it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#465

Post by k8sToGo »

datavirtue wrote: post #405
k8sToGo wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I am glad that you are enjoying kids, I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a condition or something. Plus I think having children is not something that should be rushed. Pretty sure there are many parents out there who became a parent because of social pressure. What if I tell you I find fullfilment in travelling? S…

If you don't have kids you are missing a fundamental understanding of what is driving most people each and every day. You are clueless about most of the world because most people have kids and it profoundly affects them. You can't know this unless you experience it yourself. It's also difficult to understand what you are getting into by having kids. It brings on a profound level of anxiety about their feelings and ul…

That's ok to feel like that but you are basically arguing that if I don't want children I have a meaningless life and that I am a second class citizen of Earth and the only purpose of life is to have children.

Having a child is a huge responsibility. It's not just something you can try out and see if it works for you or not.

Honestly, I think you are in a parent bubble or something. I don't quite understand your hardcore stance on must-have children.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#466

Post by k8sToGo »

jacquesm wrote: post #407
k8sToGo wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I am glad that you are enjoying kids, I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a condition or something. Plus I think having children is not something that should be rushed. Pretty sure there are many parents out there who became a parent because of social pressure. What if I tell you I find fullfilment in travelling? S…

I also wonder what a child would think that read that.

Which part?

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#467

Post by Drdrdrq »

prometheon1 wrote: post #434
altdataseller wrote: post #303

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t think you need to underplay OP issues. While he may be better off financially than lots of people, feeling lost with little passion for life is still not a good situation, and he deserves to feel the way he does.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but there have been occasions where I got all up in my head about my problems and someone laughing at me and telling me not to take my problems so seriously was the perfect way to stop worrying and focus on better things.

Really? For me it was the perfect way to stop asking this person for advice.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#468

Post by Trasmatta »

clysm wrote: post #313
owly wrote: post #230

LOL. Getting old is 35. ONLY $500K in savings at 35. Such a sad story. So sorry for you, as most people are lucky to have saved $50K at 35 or even 55! Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K. Seriously though, my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat. Know thyself. Go on a meditation retreat. You have nothing to lose and n…

If you want anyone to take your advice, you should find a better opener than laughing at them and being dismissive.

Sometimes that type of response can actually be helpful at putting your current situation into perspective.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#469

Post by nobodyofnote »

gexla wrote: post #149
Digit-Al wrote: post #72

Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to seventies. You still have a long way to go :-) Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny m…

This is a great answer, and similar to mine. I feel there are a couple of things which happen around 35. - As a child, you feel special. At 35, it's as if you have been out so far from receiving presents from Santa that you sort of cross the heliosphere into interstellar space. You're no longer special. You're no longer the future in this society which has drilled into us the idea of (if you're from the US) American…

This is a wonderful post, and really represents my lived experience for the past few years. It's like having to start all over again - a complete dismemberment experience - only with 1/10th the energy and 100x the responsibilities (ie: kids).

Your words inspire me and help me to feel that there's an after, because it's been a very long and grueling few years.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#470

Post by digianarchist »

apatil wrote: post #429

When I was 35, I could have written the OP's post almost verbatim. I'm 42 now and, despite having spent two years working intentionally on the problem, am still in a similar place on the whole. Several solutions to the OP's predicament are being advanced with a fair amount of force, and I'm finding that I don't really believe any of them. I do believe that the advice is being offered honestly and in good faith. It's…

Internet advice is just that, advice. Sometimes given from experience, often repeated with good intentions.

There are no “12 rules for life” because we didn’t come off the conveyor belt in some factory. We’re variable creatures and the solutions to our personal problems require tailored solutions.

See a therapist. They’ll do more good than reading the posts here.

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