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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#431

Post by mvcatsifma »

anon92387493 wrote: post #133
zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…

+1 to CrossFit. It pulled me through the birth of my youngest daughter, three job switches in a fairly short amount of time and the pandemic. Like others have said, it will not solve all your problems, but it will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

I actually came to CrossFit through reading Tucker Max's book "Mate" (ISBN-10: ‎0316375365) which I also recommend you read. Good luck brother.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#432

Post by hellisothers »

olebrown wrote: post #429

I'm going to suggest a radical approach here that I haven't seen mentioned elsewhere. Sounds like you have enough self awareness to notice that you are living outside of traditional social norms. You're in your 30s, aging and not settling down to start a family and pay mortgages off with the other normies. You're an outsider. You have 2 paths: 1. try to play catchup and fit into the norms that you have neglected and…

Please do this, also start a blog about it, I’ll read it for sure.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#433

Post by selimthegrim »

bufferoverflow wrote: post #420
abdabab wrote: post #349

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?

New Orleans has one of the highest murder rates in the country. It's not a safe place.

In 2019 they were at at all time low. I’ll still take it over Portland where people treat me like I don’t exist or as a means to an end.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#434

Post by captainredbeard »

thrown wrote: post #83

> short guys looking for girlfriends > All the "normal" people Lol thanks. I used to have self-confidence issues because I'm short. Spent a lot of time at university feeling sorry for myself, unable to make friends or see myself as worthy of a girlfriend. Eventually realised that it's mostly in my head. I got over my self-esteem issues, went out and spoke to a stranger (ikr isn't that crazy?!) and he became my best f…

Thank you sharing this. Because of social delays as a child, I didn't realize I was kinda short until after becoming an adult and it has really fucked with my head. Success stories like this make me thing it'll be okay.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#435

Post by Haegin »

freddie_mercury wrote: post #263
drunkpotato wrote: post #232

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not sure why you don't think board game groups are a good idea. The attendees seem like a pretty good mix of people to me. When I first moved to my current city, I joined one, and met a couple who became some of my best friends here. I never would have met them were it not for the group. I realize that not everyone will have the same experience, I just don't see why "recommend board game groups" is rejected as ba…

While there are plenty of perfectly fine boardgame groups, if you regularly read posts on the subject you'll find that a LOT of people have discovered that their local boardgame group is full of people who lack the social skills to make friends on their own to play boardgames with. I agree with you that it isn't bad advice per se. But it should probably come with a warning that the local group might just be full of w…

When I moved to Toronto I found a local roleplaying group and if possible that crowd has an even bigger set of people lacking certain social skills. Despite that, I met most of my friendship group in Toronto through the people I met at that group.

You don't go to the boardgame group because everyone there will be your ideal friendship candidate. You go to find a few people who you get on well with, then invite them over to your place or to some common ground for boardgames (or other mutually enjoyable activity) outside of the group and without the socially inept.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#436

Post by sershe »

kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

I would like to second saying "yes" ... however, the intuition for saying "yes" is that you should become /more open/ to experiences by lowering a threshold of openness a bit. That's a valid and more comfortable approach, but I think it's better to instead say yes more to things that you would not normally do in a thousand years (aside from those with real safety/moral concerns - drugs, cheating, etc.)

If someone invites me to another board game night but I feel like playing videogames by myself, it may be ok to say no. If someone wants me to do something utterly dreadful like dance surrounded by people who actually know how, watch superbowl, or make [the first I ever made, but they don't know that] pie for their birthday, then I have to do it. Well, not all the time, but I used to do it for a month at a time and I made friends a lot this way, and also met my now-wife :)

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#437

Post by hamburglar »

thelettere wrote: post #409
hamburglar wrote: post #280

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Touting therapy as incredible effective is at least a little dishonest. I know very many people who saw no benefit from it despite great expense. When someone recommends therapy, just treat it like you would any other recommendation that doesn’t need to trigger a “that doesn’t apply universally!” response. Nobody is forcing anyone to do therapy. Many people find it helpful. Many people don’t. Still quite reasonable…

Except in this instance OP specifically mentioned therapy as advice he was not looking for. So it's odd and paternalistic if not downright rude that the #1 comment advises just that.

..among many other things. And they didn’t say they didn’t want therapy as advice, they specifically did ask for advice beyond therapy but that doesn’t mean they are going to be offended by someone saying “but also, if you aren’t in therapy, try it.” And calling this “paternalistic” when someone is saying they hate their life and is asking for advice is completely uncalled for. Your overly-strong anti-therapy stance is noted but it doesn’t really have anything to do with the OP and the commenter you are responding to.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#438

Post by dang »

Klonoar wrote: post #355
dang wrote: post #313

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please don't cross into personal attack, even if you're intending to help somebody. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

I've read your comment and acknowledge it. I respectfully disagree that this was a personal attack. If you'd be so kind as to point out how it was, then I'd love to learn more.

"You sound like a person...", followed by pejoratives, is crossing into personal attack. So is using canned personal lines like "get over yourself". So, arguably, is "you're your own worst enemy". So is "you'll still be the same ineffective blocked off 'you'". So, arguably, is "Work on yourself more".

I realize that you meant well but repeatedly putting someone down like this is not the way to help them on the internet. Maybe if you were talking in person and had already established a good personal connection, it would be robust enough to withstand that sort of language. On the internet, though (and maybe not only on the internet), that's not the case.

People using 'tough love' language generally feel that it's justified because their intentions are good, but you can't know that unless you have a lot of information about how it's landing with the other person, and by default, it probably isn't going to land well at all.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#440

Post by treis »

syntheweave wrote: post #373
abdabab wrote: post #349

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?

While I haven't lived in Portland, when I visited in 2019 I was like, this is a larger Santa Cruz. And I have lived in Santa Cruz so I can make some extrapolations: * Stifling lack of local prospects; in SC, the majority of jobs were "over the hill" (SJ/SV) making it a bedroom community. Portland has a little more going on for itself but it doesn't have the strong jobs pull of a city like Austin, which Portland has o…

IMHO, you missed the biggest point: Lack of sunshine. Outside of summer, it's mostly cloudy, coldish, and generally dreary weather.
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