I like clubs. I’m an avid mountain biker, so I joined a club with group rides twice a week. I’m signing up for master’s ski racing. I chose these because they’re as far from computers as you can get, and we have something to bond over (bikes! Skis!) that isn’t anything to do with my SWE job.
Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
231–240 of 522 posts
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#232Earlier quoted context omitted.
The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people I'd also add the more "regular", the more likely you are to find regular people. The stereotypical events & hobbies recommended for meeting people can unsurprisingly wind up chock-full of outcast-sorts who are also looking to meet people. If you want to find a real group, and a variety of ordinary folks, you want to expressly avoid all the sort of t…
Yeah I often see people recommend board game groups for people like OP which is shocking to me. Take a look at the people attending these events. They're not what OP is looking for. Look for normies hobbies.
I'm not sure why you don't think board game groups are a good idea. The attendees seem like a pretty good mix of people to me.
When I first moved to my current city, I joined one, and met a couple who became some of my best friends here. I never would have met them were it not for the group. I realize that not everyone will have the same experience, I just don't see why "recommend board game groups" is rejected as bad advice.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#233Earlier quoted context omitted.
Agree that depression diagnosis might be wrong. But the therapy is incredibly effective against all the symptoms he has described in details. Therapy is not just for depressed people. I have met different therapists and I was never diagnosed of clinical depression. However, I have faced many of the symptoms that he has described. It makes sense to meet a therapist (if he can afford it) and take their help. Also, in m…
Touting therapy as incredible effective is at least a little dishonest. I know very many people who saw no benefit from it despite great expense. Think: If you see benefit from therapy are you not more likely to keep going?
Honestly, a lot of people who see therapists do keep going. A friend put it to me this way: you're paying money for perspective and objectivity, and this is especially true for people in relationships. It also takes time and effort to find a therapist who is a good fit for you. If the therapist is not a good fit for you, then there will be little benefit.
Therapy has helped me anyway.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#234"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…
> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…
I was going to comment that it didn't sound like you liked yourself much, but you admit as much which is really hard to do. Kudos. Been there, done that. I also noticed when not liking yourself, you tend to even take it out on other people...which may explain that comment somewhat.
My advice is generic but important... you've -got- to like yourself. If you see nothing in yourself, it's like... contagious, and people won't either. I'd wager like 75% of being approachable and likable is confidence.
In short, figure out what you can do self improvement wise to really like yourself first, to gain confidence, then move on to the other stuff people are mentioning.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#235All I can is that I found my tribe (a Burning Man theme camp/artist collective/event crew) by repeatedly showing up at parties and events in my local music underground scene. Eventually we were all comfortable enough that I was welcomed into the friend group with open arms and they asked me if I wanted to camp with them at a local festival. Fast forward several years and we're all super tight and have been through some serious shit together -- deaths, police scares, drug scares, you name it.
After enough of rolling with this crew I am regularly recognized when I go out to other events by people I met and partied with once or twice, and then they introduce me to their friends, and suddenly I have even more people to talk to and befriend. It becomes a virtuous cycle.
I consider myself an introvert and prefer staying in most nights. But most people think of me as a hard-partying Hollywood type. I can only attribute that to simply showing up. (Though the pandemic has taught me I might actually be one of those introvert-extrovert hybrids, the "omnivert")
So if there's one thing that I know works, it is persistently showing up to things that have the kind of people you want to meet.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#236> I tried to meet new people at hobbies and dance lessons, but guess what - they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc.
I’m going to assume positive intent here: what you probably mean is that most people who do this have other agendas/goals and you want to meet someone genuine who wants to have some fun.
Moving to a big city would be a good option. You’ll find regular people who are still single and like to have fun.
I would encourage checking out local arts. Live music, theater etc
Join a trendy gym craze. Idk what’s in these days but CrossFit/orange theory etc make it a point to build community around them. Gives you a chance to hang out with normies. You end up seeing the same people a few times which makes it a lot less awkward to say “hey let’s hangout sometime”.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#237"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…
At the risk of going off-topic, I'm a little taken aback by how we're all still in the middle of a global pandemic. Vaccines don't provide bulletproof immunity and aren't intended to be a license to gather in groups, etc., without precautions. From that description, your neighbors don't sound particularly appealing. What's there to be envious of re: that?
You can cast your disapproval at what those neighbors are doing, and it might even be perfectly valid (I'd agree with you). It does absolutely nothing to quell that envy that OP is feeling, though - I know the feeling well, and I know many of my friends feel the same way.
This is a long tail of the whole pandemic that doesn't really get discussed.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#238Hey man, I admire your willingness to ask for help here, that takes courage.
I hear you on the difficulty of isolation and feeling disconnected, it’s tough. You’re definitely not alone there, I know lots of guys in the same boat.
I’ve been where you are. I’m also an engineer in my 30s. I’ve been frustrated, apathetic, and lonely too. But most days I don’t feel like that anymore. I turned it around for myself, I know you can too. You can definitely get reenergized and get back to the fun and connected life you had in college. It’ll take some work, but from your post my impression is that you’re pretty good at learning new skills.
A lot of people have made great suggestions on how to meet people. Save those for a month from now. The key thing in my experience is getting your energy up. If you’re low energy when you meet someone new, neither of you is going to have much fun and it won’t lead anywhere.
Here’s how to get your energy up:
1. Exercise every day - if you’ve forgotten where to start, walk/run a mile and do 25 pushups. Adjust based on your current fitness level. Keep it simple. 2. Drink 64oz of water every day. No, really, this is important. 3. Get outside first thing in the morning for 10 minutes to get natural light - this can be when you get your exercise or it can just be to sit and drink a cup of coffee.
That’s it. Start with those three. You got this - friends, fun, connection and a fulfilling life are closer than you think.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#239"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…
> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…
Hey a note on travelling. I met (via reddit chat) a guy who seemed quite depressed to me. He is a nomad who got out of the US 10+ years ago and has lived in several countries. I met him because he was having a rough time in my country and I thought I could help him. However after talking a bit with him it was evident that the problem was himself and not the places he had been (he basically whined about how he had been mistreated at every country he had been. He is some kind of remote web dev nomad).
The point is, you have to be good with yourself before you "escape" to a different country. Otherwise you may only find more trouble in a different language.
Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life
#240This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…
RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…
Great idea. Here is something that could be similar but more niche (sorry if too niche): join a meetup group for that does indoor rock climbing. If, say, meetup is a big thing where you are. Otherwise, check for, e.g. facebook groups that partner up climbers -- meet and learn! (likely need to take a class to learn the very basics first, assuming you know absolutely nobody and there is no meetup for it.)
More laid back: join a weekly bikes-with-lights social biking group. Weekly trivia, meetups at bars for tech people, new people to the area, karaoke, etc. Play to your strengths/likes. Run and hit the gym to boost social confidence (now I am back at crossfit ;). Learn how to dress up just slightly more than standard for any occasion (non exercise that is) if you don't already know.
It's easier to make friends outside of work if you build some structure or drive into your life beyond work. Become interesting by having interests. Whatever you choose to do, keep doing it and eventually you will meet like minded souls.
I wonder where OP is. Location might have a say in what's popular and help find a matching interest.