Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Daddy isn’t coming back

ft.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

111–120 of 430 posts

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#111

Post by kreeben »

skissane wrote: post #85
jstx1 wrote: post #9

Knowing that you're at high risk of suicide or have other serious mental health problems is also a good reason to avoid having kids. This isn't directed at the author of the article or their partner; it's how I think when I plan my own life.

I have a long history of suicidal thoughts, and I’ve even acted on them a few times when I was younger (albeit half-heartedly-if I’d been really serious about it I wouldn’t be here now.) I don’t know if that makes me “at high risk of suicide” but likely people like me are at greater risk than people who don’t have that history. And yet, having kids has actually made it easier for me to resist those thoughts. They hav…

I hear myself in you. I went through some shit. But I have two kids and so I would never...

Then I got a little better and those daily thoughts became weekly, then monthly and nowadays they are simply not there anymore. Well, sometimes they are but they are now very easily dismissed.

I just came here to say that, if god forbid both your kids are taken from you, even then, I would say to you, fucking hell man, don't do it. Your loss will crush you and you'll never be the same. But you'd be alive. And you'd get to see how you'd deal with such a loss. And you wouldn't be alone. Because this shit happens to people and with some support, they live through it.

Anyways, I'm glad you find such joy in being a father. Isn't it great?

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#112

Post by slx26 »

SapporoChris wrote: post #3

I have a black thought on this. I would be happy if someone corrected me. When something breaks, sometimes we repair it, sometimes we throw it out. The more valuable the item, the more we will spend to fix it. However even with the most valuable items, we sometimes reluctantly decide that it is broken beyond repair. Are people like this? Are some simply too broken to fix? I feel awful thinking this, but I wonder if t…

I do definitely believe people can be too broken to fix in certain ways. I feel like this about some parts of myself. But the thing is, that we can't say someone is too broken to fix as a whole, because the paths to be are virtually infinite. So that's why most people intuitively lean towards "you can't never lose hope". I'd say they are intuitively right this time, and yet people can also be too broken to fix in some ways. They are not mutually exclusive.

Now, that doesn't say much about whether one should try to overcome trauma or try to bury it. That depends a lot on the context, the direction you would like to move towards and the support you have to do it.

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#113

Post by sandgiant »

podgaj wrote: post #10

I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder, and aspergers. I was making $130,000 a year as a network engineer at Cisco in 1999 before I became too sick to work anymore. Right now I am homeless living in my van with a transmission about to go. I have attempted suicide three times already. I keep thinking about doing it again. No one wants to provide me the best medicine, stable housing. I make $1700 on disability but I c…

Thanks for sharing. Getting the right treatment is such a gamble. I wish we were better at talking about mental illness openly instead of stigmatizing it. Perhaps then we would realize the need for better treatments and funding. I have a close relative that's been all the way down the hole with life-threatening mental illness, but recovered due to doctors finding the right cocktail of medication and safe environment. Getting to know this person I'm humbled by how ignorant I've always been on issues of mental health. I shudder when I read comment sections like this one, or talk to friends and family, as I'm reminded how pervasive this ignorance still is in the general public, and even in professional healthcare. I have the deepest respect for people like you, that are hanging on in spite of the terrible circumstances you've been given. I hope you find some shivers of light in between all the darkness.

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#114

Post by watwut »

mjevans wrote: post #100
gowld wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A suicide hotline is not a general mental health therapy. It was one function -- to prevent the caller from committing suicide in the immediate future. It was successful. You can't test the effectiveness of a suicide prevention with a dry run. Fire drills don't put out fires either. Also, you essentially admityed that you were making a false call. That's not going to get a great reply. You shouldn't call 911 to test…

My impression differs. The caller left the experience feeling more disheartened and unsupported. Logically that seems like they were at an _increased risk of suicide_ relative to when they called.

He literally answered "no, I am not suicidal" to the "are you suicidal" question. And in fact, he did not became suicidal after.

This was not failure of suicide hotline. This was them recognizing he is misusing the service.

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#115

Post by DyslexicAtheist »

jstx1 wrote: post #9

Knowing that you're at high risk of suicide or have other serious mental health problems is also a good reason to avoid having kids. This isn't directed at the author of the article or their partner; it's how I think when I plan my own life.

many people in that risk group aren't aware of these tendencies (now there are words for it we did not have 30 years ago: suicidal ideation) until their kids are ready to leave home. Plenty of us around with families not knowing how to make it, even we've felt healthy all along until some event (or cascading events) changed everything.

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#116

Post by seoulmetro »

SapporoChris wrote: post #3

I have a black thought on this. I would be happy if someone corrected me. When something breaks, sometimes we repair it, sometimes we throw it out. The more valuable the item, the more we will spend to fix it. However even with the most valuable items, we sometimes reluctantly decide that it is broken beyond repair. Are people like this? Are some simply too broken to fix? I feel awful thinking this, but I wonder if t…

The problem is that we know how to fix anything we make and/or can see. We can't make or see the human mind just yet, so we definitely struggle to fix it.

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#117

Post by bladegash »

cyberpunk wrote: post #108
skissane wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a long history of suicidal thoughts, and I’ve even acted on them a few times when I was younger (albeit half-heartedly-if I’d been really serious about it I wouldn’t be here now.) I don’t know if that makes me “at high risk of suicide” but likely people like me are at greater risk than people who don’t have that history. And yet, having kids has actually made it easier for me to resist those thoughts. They hav…

Yep. I'm with you. I was chaos and anarchy before becoming a parent. Now if I lost mine in such an accident say, I'd immediately do it. What would be the point of waiting? Not because they were the only thing stopping me, but because life without them, by now, is incomprehensible. To be honest though, I think suicide is probably the best way to go unless you die instantly. I mean, say I get diagnosed with some horrib…

As someone who has watched their parent struggle with - and ultimately pass away from - lung cancer, I can say that in my case the memory of them was far from their last days. I still remember them as my dad, the way you do when you’re a kid. The person that is a superhero and strongest person there is/was. FWIW, my dad passed away at home under hospice care, with me there to care for him for the last few days. It was difficult and not easy to see him that way, but I am thankful to have been able to be there for him in his final moments, especially since he’d been there for me my entire life.

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#118

Post by cyberpunk »

Ozzie_osman wrote: post #32
micromacrofoot wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are a lot of mental health issues that make this level of self-awareness and future planning incredibly difficult.

Also social pressure and expectations. How many people would feel comfortable saying "Sorry mom/dad/friend/potential partner, I'm not going to have kids because I'm worried I might not be a good parent or maybe even take my own life"?

No one is ever ready to become a parent. I mean, "we" (I assume we're all in relatively stable, high paying, high demand, low risk jobs) certainly are much better placed to be them than say, my parents were... But nothing prepares you for the abject horror of your entire way of life ending in such a dramatic way. I mean... It was worth it, I kinda like the wee guy.. But it's BRUTAL at the start.

Doesn't help that all your mrs's intsa-friends are posting bollocks about how great everything is while you've been trying to get your newborn out for a walk for 5 hours and failed.. heh.

Don't overthink that stuff though.. I mean, you kinda know deep down if you've got it in you or not. It's kinda like having a puppy times a million..

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#119

Post by totetsu »

csomar wrote: post #90
SapporoChris wrote: post #3

I have a black thought on this. I would be happy if someone corrected me. When something breaks, sometimes we repair it, sometimes we throw it out. The more valuable the item, the more we will spend to fix it. However even with the most valuable items, we sometimes reluctantly decide that it is broken beyond repair. Are people like this? Are some simply too broken to fix? I feel awful thinking this, but I wonder if t…

That's not how it works in real life. Family (and maybe generous government healthcare) will take care of "too broke" to give any yield, in the future, people. Anyone else who isn't lucky to have that kind of support will find himself in the streets. And that's fine. Societies can only function if the yield from the people it invested in is higher than the investment. This is why socialized healthcare is tricky. If y…

So socialized health care spending millions on a mentally disabled child who will never yield return on that investment is a danger to society?

Re: Daddy isn’t coming back

#120

Post by carabiner »

SapporoChris wrote: post #3

I have a black thought on this. I would be happy if someone corrected me. When something breaks, sometimes we repair it, sometimes we throw it out. The more valuable the item, the more we will spend to fix it. However even with the most valuable items, we sometimes reluctantly decide that it is broken beyond repair. Are people like this? Are some simply too broken to fix? I feel awful thinking this, but I wonder if t…

Many people say this of those who have borderline personality disorder. BPD is the top result when you google "most painful mental illness," and some therapists either refuse to treat or limit their exposure to these patients. And so their imagined fear of abandonment becomes real, and their illness worsens.
Post reply on HN