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Divorce does funny things

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Re: Divorce does funny things

#281

Post by throwaway211116 »

lordnacho wrote: post #118
88840-8855 wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i think that's a little naive. cheating is a highly emotional thing. business relationships are a rational thing. although some people are mixing both up, most of people i have worked with manage to separate. one of my moost loyal colleagues is cheating on his wife for years. and yet, he is loyal to the tasks and to the company. hence, i find your view a little naive and funny and perhaps would label it with some -is…

Sorry for expressing it this way, but what's naive is thinking your colleague is loyal. It is much simpler to just consider that he hasn't found a situation to screw you and the rest of the team yet, and that when such a situation happens, there's a chance he will act accordingly. To me he has simply been unmasked as someone who is doing whatever he is currently incentivized to do, rather than someone who respects ag…

What is even more naive is thinking there are no other colleagues "that they haven't found a situation to screw you and the rest of the team yet, and that when such a situation happens, there's a chance they will act accordingly".

Just because you do not know whether someone cheated on their spouse does not mean they did or didn't or would or wouldn't. It means you don't know.

And just because someone did or was willing to do something in one context does not mean they would do so in another different context, but they would probably do so in a similar context.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#282

Post by vmception »

55555 wrote: post #274
vmception wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fortunately the IRS is not involved in judgements from non-tax courts. The IRS does not care about what structure you use, they only care about compliance. It is very useful to reframe your understanding of the IRS. They are not really adversaries, they will even help you set up this stuff even though they are aware it undermines their own name of revenue. Remember, its only Congress that cares and even then they are…

Damn. This guy divorces.

Nah, just disappointed that I haven't shown up in the Paradise Papers yet.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#283

Post by atoav »

rich_sasha wrote: post #201
atoav wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Technically everything can be used to establish a (operational) perception of a person — and everything can be wrong. Someone wears a Rolex? Maybe they are rich and want to show off, maybe they inherited it from a dying family member. If they however additionally drive a super car, wear designer clothes the likelyhood of alternative explainations goes down. If someone is a nice, cordial and all around good person and…

I think it’s the case where I would put more weight on what you label as confirmatory signals than the infidelity itself. My key concern about a cheating asshole is that they’re an asshole. Cheating on someone is just such a noisy signal. You don’t know why, or what’s wrong with the relationship. You mostly don’t know who is cheating, at best you have a biased sample. You don’t know what they are like to their parent…

> I’m not going to jump to conclusions from a Boolean variable.

Agreed, I wouldn't either.

However the point of my comment was to explain that the variables rarely are boolean and never come in isolation (unless someone talks to you about someone else whom you never even heard of).

For me all these traits don't necessarily mean anything. You can like children and pets and still be a mass murderer, you can hate children and pets and be the most honest, most cordial person on earth.

When using outside traits to form an image about people your confidence in that image should never be exceptionally high. However cheating is not an outside trait, it is behavior.

A single imstance of observed behavior will still not say much. But at some point the confidence raises. If a stranger yells once at the waitress that adds one data point with low confidence to my list. If I cannot judge the situation because I didn't see what it was about that confidence might be close to nonexistent. Even if I fully recognize the situation I still can't be totally confident, maybe the guy has a bad day, maybe he has a history with the waitress etc.

However if I see the same guy being mean to different people for a prolonged period of time, my confidence in all other explainations will naturally fall and my confidence in the theory that the guy is mean will rise.

That doesn't mean the guy is an asshole everywhere in his life. Maybe he is super caring with his kids or old mother etc.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#284

Post by acoard »

lm28469 wrote: post #269
icu wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. Write about the past and use the writing to…

> I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it…

> ~50% of married couple divorce

That figure is outdated and I'd challenge what it represents. Here's more up to date info:

>The most recent data we have from the 2019 American Community Survey puts the rate at 14.9 divorces per 1,000 marriages, the lowest number since 1970. [0]

Further, the "50% of marriages end in divorce" is heavily skewed because it includes serial divorces/remarriages. If 5 couples marry for life, and one person goes through 5 spouses, then 50% of marriages end in divorce. But what you're really saying is that 80% of marriages are stable and 20% are unstable, not 50/50. Divorce, and re-marriage, also increase the chance of future divorce according to the Census Bureau[1].

[0] https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-is-divorce-rate-ame...

[1] https://legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-rate-in-america/

Re: Divorce does funny things

#285

Post by me_me_me »

llampx wrote: post #277
me_me_me wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> They might reconsider marriage as an institution altogether. While I dont disagree with your statements, the statistics don't lie. Men in marriage live longer and healthier lives on average to men in long-term relationships and to single men.

> Men in marriage live longer and healthier lives on average to men in long-term relationships and to single men. What a blanket statement. Does that apply to every married man, without fail? What about women? Do married women live longer and healthier lives too? If so, why do they file for divorce?

>Does that apply to every married man, without fail?

Not sure if you understand what average means.

If average couple has 1.7 children I can assure you you wont be able to find 0.7 of a child enrolled to any preschool.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#286

Post by bradlys »

jeffreyrogers wrote: post #268
DeathArrow wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If you have much to do with family court you'd fully understand why suicide is a way out for men treated like sources of money with little other value. That depends on the country. But if I'd live in US I wouldn't marry without a prenuptial agreement.

In most states prenups only apply to assets you had before marriage.

It also only applies to assets you held before not including appreciation. So if you were bold enough to hold crypto from 2012, got married in 2015, and got divorced this year… bye bye all your money.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#287

Post by mrsmee89 »

mensetmanusman wrote: post #238

Divorce seems to be like a stab wound people carry around for years, especially for the children of divorce. I find it fascinating how the topic is slipped into cultural story telling. E.g. The Tomorrow War SciFi about fighting aliens in the future actually being about the hardship of divorce.

> Divorce seems to be like a stab wound people carry around for years

This is a great metaphor. That’s exactly how it feels.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#288

Post by lp0_on_fire »

schwartzworld wrote: post #266
lp0_on_fire wrote: post #231

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"horrible mistake"? This isn't an "oops I forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work" or "oops I got in a bar fight and had to spend the night in jail" People who cheat do it consciously.

Wait, you'd be more comfortable working with someone who got arrested for publicly fighting?

please don't put words in my mouth. I said no such thing.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#289

Post by bradlys »

I can say with great confidence - do not get married. Do not live in a common law state. You will very likely regret it immensely.

If I had been legally married to my ex - I would’ve been raked over the coals. I could see myself being the man on that rig. She contributed nothing to our relationship (financially or emotionally) and I put her through college while she didn’t work or pay for anything. Yet, even if I showed such selflessness, she would’ve gone to court to get half my savings I slaved over and then demand alimony for all eternity. Only because she knew she could. I think once you give people power - they will use it as much as they possibly can even if it is completely unjust. Power corrupts…

The legal and cultural institution of marriage is ridiculous. Don’t do it! And definitely don’t be with someone who doesn’t work or is a project. It’s miserable (because they become entitled and lack gratefulness).

It has left me feeling quite scared even if I didn’t go through the toughest parts. I’m overall feeling unable to trust women romantically. After it - I really feel like I’m taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing how poorly I’ve been treated by so many. I’ve stopped feeling like I’m the problem - after all, no one ever said I was. I’ve been the harshest critic of myself. Anyway - don’t get a project car for a partner. They don’t deserve you.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#290

Post by atoav »

merpnderp wrote: post #185
atoav wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Technically everything can be used to establish a (operational) perception of a person — and everything can be wrong. Someone wears a Rolex? Maybe they are rich and want to show off, maybe they inherited it from a dying family member. If they however additionally drive a super car, wear designer clothes the likelyhood of alternative explainations goes down. If someone is a nice, cordial and all around good person and…

I mean sure good people can break sworn vows and lie to the person closest in their lives. For some definitions of good. But I’d never trust them.

While I agree in principle I still feel there are situations where one side is so disrespectful and or destructive, that despite all vows they can no longer expect unbroken loyalty of their partner.

Don't get me wrong, two wrongs never make a right, but the reasons why people behave the way they do tell more about a person than their actual behavior. Cheating is never right, but sometimes what it tells you about the person is more them being a tragic person than a bad person. It depends.

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