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Divorce does funny things

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Re: Divorce does funny things

#271

Post by 55555 »

pnutjam wrote: post #242
toyg wrote: post #195

Earlier quoted context omitted.

4 years ago last month, for me. In some ways it gets better - you don't have to answer to anybody but yourself, again. In others, it doesn't - society now sees you a bit differently, and will continue to do so until you somehow get back "on the rails" with a new partner. > I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood Happened to a friend of min…

Both sides lose, men usually do better. https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- divorce-gap/480333/

For those skimming the thread, this analysis takes opportunity cost into account. It would seem women mostly "do worse" because they stopped working during the marriage. As far as net cashflows from one partner to the other post-marriage, it'd surprise me if it wasn't mostly flowing from men to women. But, honestly, that's almost entirely obvious from the fact that men mostly continue to work and women often stop.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#272

Post by 55555 »

MisterTea wrote: post #223
throwaway_sjfgd wrote: post #197

I am going through it right now too. Very short background: * Wife abusive from the beginning * Sexless marriage as she refused * Beating herself up for years * She's not earning (highly qualified) * Did not take care of child or home either * Tried to frame me however I figured and escaped * Living separately now * She filed false and frivolous violence complaint against me * Not letting me meet my child * Court gra…

> Wife abusive from the beginning People who get into these relationships always paint themselves as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster from the beginning. I just don't understand how they get there unless they willingly ignore signs of bad behavior or they think they can fix or change people. That or they're just stupid. I have a coworker in a bad relationship that seems to be headed towards ma…

He's in love, man. It makes you insane.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#273

Post by 55555 »

matheusmoreira wrote: post #194
dlsa wrote: post #81

If you have much to do with family court you'd fully understand why suicide is a way out for men treated like sources of money with little other value. It would be quite educational for all men to attend family court as an observer prior to marriage. They might reconsider marriage as an institution altogether. Society itself might have to realise how badly things are set up. Maybe not. Everything's fine. Enjoy your s…

> men treated like sources of money with little other value Yeah, it's disgusting. It makes men feel worthless and expendable. > It would be quite educational for all men to attend family court as an observer prior to marriage. Absolutely. I did exactly that. I could not believe what I was seeing at first. Could fill up this entire thread with stories.

> Absolutely. I did exactly that. I could not believe what I was seeing at first. Could fill up this entire thread with stories.

Please share at least one!

Re: Divorce does funny things

#274

Post by 55555 »

vmception wrote: post #199
mellavora wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The IRS might look at this strategy differently, and they might have more resources than your (ex) partner.

Fortunately the IRS is not involved in judgements from non-tax courts. The IRS does not care about what structure you use, they only care about compliance. It is very useful to reframe your understanding of the IRS. They are not really adversaries, they will even help you set up this stuff even though they are aware it undermines their own name of revenue. Remember, its only Congress that cares and even then they are…

Damn. This guy divorces.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#275

Post by llampx »

bruceb wrote: post #115
jimmaswell wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Relationship market seems like it's the best it's ever been, from a standpoint of equality, that is. What makes you say this? Last I heard the trend of it getting harder and harder for men has been continuing. When one side has to go crazy going to the gym and making themselves interesting and whatever to stand out while the other side just has to put one blurry picture with no text on any dating site to get inunda…

HN being tech oriented, thus male commenters tend to live in gender skewed cities. Bay Area, Seattle, etc for the 25-45 age range. Where yes some men might have harder time. But really there are approximately same amount of men to women in the dating/family making age group. Being normal, mildly interesting, and not a slob is all most men will have to do to find women to date. The reason a some men don't get dates on…

> Putting out zero effort and expecting something is rarely going to yield results.

The comment you are replying to says that men have to put in a lot more effort than women, and you reply with a strawman about men not putting in any effort. Nice.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#276

Post by llampx »

S_A_P wrote: post #26
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

Well said. I’m a decade past my divorce and it still causes anguish. I have two kids and while I play by the rules and encourage the kids to be close to both myself and their mother. Their mom is on man in her life number 6/husband 2. There was a period of time that she told the kids to call me dad and the step dad “super dad”. She nearly ran me over twice without warning as I jogged. I’ve never contested child suppo…

The sooner you realize that the entire system thinks of you as evil, the better.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#277

Post by llampx »

me_me_me wrote: post #162
dlsa wrote: post #81

If you have much to do with family court you'd fully understand why suicide is a way out for men treated like sources of money with little other value. It would be quite educational for all men to attend family court as an observer prior to marriage. They might reconsider marriage as an institution altogether. Society itself might have to realise how badly things are set up. Maybe not. Everything's fine. Enjoy your s…

> They might reconsider marriage as an institution altogether. While I dont disagree with your statements, the statistics don't lie. Men in marriage live longer and healthier lives on average to men in long-term relationships and to single men.

> Men in marriage live longer and healthier lives on average to men in long-term relationships and to single men.

What a blanket statement. Does that apply to every married man, without fail? What about women? Do married women live longer and healthier lives too? If so, why do they file for divorce?

Re: Divorce does funny things

#278

Post by dang »

lelanthran wrote: post #41
shijie wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m going through this right now. I’ve done everything I could to try and save the marriage. My spouse is on the warpath. We have a 2 year-old daughter. I would be willing to work on myself and expect nothing in return for the rest of my life if it meant my daughter could go to the park with her mommy and daddy together. I cannot say the smallest part of how I feel. Unyielding personal torment and failure. Breaking u…

I've been through it, there's nothing you can do and if the mother is really out for blood she will use your child against you. Women get rights, men get obligations.

I appreciate that you've been through a difficult experience. HN users are welcome to share their experiences here. However, it's not ok to translate the emotion from the experience into flamewar comments. That's the problem with this one: you swerved into generic gender war rhetoric. That's harmful and not ok here.

Of course it can be very difficult not to leap from painful experience to dramatic generalization. But it's the sort of thing we all have to work on in order to have HN be the kind of community we're trying for: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#279

Post by llampx »

astrange wrote: post #144
pcbro141 wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Ahh, by the time I finish posting you've come and brought up the "nuclear family" > Hard to imagine anything good will come from a discussion hinging on that. Genuine question, why does it sound like you find me advocating for a 2 parent household almost offensive? Is it because you don't believe any of the data about kids raised in 2 parent households is valid? From my perspective, I genuinely don't understand you…

A nuclear family (2 parents) isn't as good as an extended family (more than 2 parents).

source?

Re: Divorce does funny things

#280

Post by llampx »

vmception wrote: post #208
bobsmooth wrote: post #5

The entire modern world is built off the backs of men that are willing to do the most dangerous of jobs.

I've been thinking that workforce gender equality would happen faster if men had a predictable choice of being subsidized in heterosexual relationships. I think an even distribution of people would choose that. Seems a lot of energy is spent on not considering how the funnels are different for men and women, and how that factors into dilution of the workforce pipeline by gender initially and over time. My thoughts ar…

Everyone wants gender equality but no one wants to date a man earning less than them.
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