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Divorce does funny things

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Re: Divorce does funny things

#121

Post by hoseja »

jareklupinski wrote: post #75
88840-8855 wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i think that's a little naive. cheating is a highly emotional thing. business relationships are a rational thing. although some people are mixing both up, most of people i have worked with manage to separate. one of my moost loyal colleagues is cheating on his wife for years. and yet, he is loyal to the tasks and to the company. hence, i find your view a little naive and funny and perhaps would label it with some -is…

> one of my moost loyal colleagues is cheating on his wife for years. and yet, he is loyal to the tasks and to the company. i'm sure his wife thinks he is 'loyal' too :^)

Or maybe his wife doesn't think about his feelings much at all.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#122

Post by lordnacho »

cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

> But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down.

Same here. I actually don't know why it doesn't seem to affect people's thoughts about politicians. People are absolutely willing to separate what they know about a person's personal life from what they think about that person's politics.

For me it's a scarlet letter. I get maybe an hour of talk about each candidate when there's an election, and it's one-way. I don't get to ask them anything, I just get told some mix of what they say and what the news says. Why would I trust someone who has demonstrated untrustworthiness to the one person they've spent the most time with?

I just don't get why people are so willing to create a business box-of-facts and a personal-box-of-facts when they discover something like this. Fact is business relationships are personal. You even do the same things when you're meeting business partners for heavens sake: One of you invites the other out and pays for it. You go for a meal or a drink. You go to gatherings together. Ghosting each other (LOL).

Re: Divorce does funny things

#123

Post by ThalesX »

cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

How would you know if it’s consensual or not? Perhaps they are in an open marriage.

I think rushing to conclusions and acting on those is scarier in a business partner, than how they choose to live their personal life.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#124

Post by sdenton4 »

lelanthran wrote: post #106
watwut wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If men file for custody they get 50/50. Men who ask for full custody also statistically win more often. You are doing disservice to both kids and men when you tell them they cant have it.

> If men file for custody they get 50/50. Men who ask for full custody also statistically win more often. That's a nice statistic. Where did you get it? > You are doing disservice to both kids and men when you tell them they cant have it. Well I apologise for that, every lawyer I spoke to during my divorce (maybe ... 10?) said not to bother, the odds of a court deciding in favour of the mother were 3/5.

Not bothering to file because of a 3/5 chance of losing seems crazy. It's actually pretty hard to tell 60/40 apart from 50/50, especially if there's lots of covariates.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#125

Post by hunterb123 »

ThalesX wrote: post #123
cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

How would you know if it’s consensual or not? Perhaps they are in an open marriage. I think rushing to conclusions and acting on those is scarier in a business partner, than how they choose to live their personal life.

I think unfaithful was the keyword, if it is consensual and open then the partner wasn't unfaithful.

I'd assume GP would only hold this judgement for someone cheating, not swinging.

The main point was trust. Trust is earned.

Whether you break a promise with your life partner or your business partner, you've destroyed a chunk of your reputation.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#126

Post by brigandish »

lordnacho wrote: post #122
cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

> But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. Same here. I actually don't know why it doesn't seem to affect people's thoughts about politicians. People are absolutely willing to separate what they know about a person's personal life from what they think about that person's politics. For me it's a scarlet letter. I get maybe an hour of talk about each candidat…

> Why would I trust someone who has demonstrated untrustworthiness to the one person they've spent the most time with?

That's a bit like expecting someone to be mean to you because they're mean to their brother. Close relationships are often conducted in a manner far different to other relationships. What if the person wants some space but the other doesn't give any? What if their spouse is mean but they put up with it because they have children? There could be a hundred reasons.

Above all though, life is complicated, and in the case of politicians the field is often limited (by those with real power) to one liar who might be less worse than another liar. I'm actually surprised that people pick so well given these constraints.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#127

Post by boredtofears »

cm2012 wrote: post #94
holoduke wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Everyone is able to fall in love with someone else if put into a certain position with the right attributes. That's how the world works and is in many cases not the end of the world. Setting someone up in a business deal is much worse. So these 2 things are completely different and not the same.

It's one thing to be upfront. "I love someone new, let's divorce / some other arrangement." There will be hurt feelings but that's life. The honesty will help everyone in the long run. It's entirely another thing to sneak around - to do something you promised not to do, but in secret, so you don't get caught. It is my observation and experience that the kind of person who breaks trust in secret is not someone I want…

If you admit to loving someone new you've very likely already cheated at the emotional level if not the physical.

Where do you draw the line?

Re: Divorce does funny things

#128

Post by vecinu »

As a recently (Obviously therapy is a good first resource and then working on yourself going forward is a good strategy but man, I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood. I consider myself lucky that it happened before I got too old, had children and who knows what other things could have happened but damn, it still hurts.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#129

Post by brigandish »

varjag wrote: post #116
bryanrasmussen wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

well, since this is HN please show the studies and stats.

Do you consult arxiv every time you jaywalk?

If you wanted to defend laws against jaywalking then perhaps it would best to back it up with something other than an appeal to emotion, and - on HN of all places - an appeal against using scientific research.

That's a tough sell if you ask me.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#130

Post by mpol »

bryanrasmussen wrote: post #108
mpol wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So tell us, how does the real world work? I can understand it if someone ends up in a relationship that has no life in it anymore, but they are loyal to the children. Still, that still raises questions about trustworthiness.

How does remaining in a relationship for your children raise questions about trustworthiness?

There is not only loyalty in that situation. There is also lying to your partner and the children, and the example and values that you give to your children.

Apparently the children are important to you, otherwise you would be gone from a bad relationship. It involves lying to people that are important to you, which does not speak well for trustworthiness. I can imagine the children are more important than someone outside the family, so at least I need to set some expectations right. That doesn't mean trust is a black and white thing.

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