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Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

hmsklt.app

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Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#81

Post by Vinnl »

Avicebron wrote: post #47
Vinnl wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you're at a place where this would be "forced", then I'd argue that that place is the problem, not the existence of such a product. I can imagine us setting this up as a team, bottom-up, though. (Similar to how e.g. I've been at two organisations where donut.com is available, but it being completely optional in both cases.)

Maybe forced isn't the right term, I'm referring to non-mandated systems that occur organically. Not that I've experienced this too much personally, but I have had co-workers who would often be deliberately left out by management or not given contracts by the project managers (it was the nature of the work that some jobs were better than others, less sketchy ) because they weren't considered "friendly" to them. Lucki…

I think my general concern still holds then: such a place will probably be shitty regardless of whether such a tool is used or not.

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#82

Post by JohnFen »

This app confuses me. You deepen relationships with your friends by hanging out with them and doing things together. The sharing of personal stories and whatnot comes as a natural result of that.

The sort of "compelled" sharing that this app is proposing doesn't strike me as being terribly useful in terms of deepening your friendships.

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#83

Post by JohnFen »

marcod wrote: post #78
iainmerrick wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just calling it “homeskillet” would be better. (Although, I’ve never heard that term before, so it still wouldn’t be great me for at least.)

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=home%20skill...

Huh, I learned a new word today! Doubt I'll use it, but at least it won't confuse me should I encounter that use in the future.

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#84

Post by JohnFen »

Vinnl wrote: post #45
Avicebron wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not all people want a deeply personal relationship with their co-workers, many would even find being forced to engage in that intrusive. Unfortunately once those bonds are formed between some members of a team, often the team dynamic is shifted weirdly as some people feel forced into the "buddy buddy system"...it's classic now and forcing it into remote work seems like a nightmare

If you're at a place where this would be "forced", then I'd argue that that place is the problem, not the existence of such a product. I can imagine us setting this up as a team, bottom-up, though. (Similar to how e.g. I've been at two organisations where donut.com is available, but it being completely optional in both cases.)

That's not much different from being forced, really. If you dislike this sort of thing but are on a team that adopts it, it's not really optional no matter how much everyone says it is. It would be a bit like office parties in that respect -- technically optional, but bad for your career if you opt out.

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#85

Post by Vinnl »

JohnFen wrote: post #84
Vinnl wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you're at a place where this would be "forced", then I'd argue that that place is the problem, not the existence of such a product. I can imagine us setting this up as a team, bottom-up, though. (Similar to how e.g. I've been at two organisations where donut.com is available, but it being completely optional in both cases.)

That's not much different from being forced, really. If you dislike this sort of thing but are on a team that adopts it, it's not really optional no matter how much everyone says it is. It would be a bit like office parties in that respect -- technically optional, but bad for your career if you opt out.

I mean, you have a say in whether to adopt it if you're part of the team. It might be different elsewhere, but you could and people did opt-out in the teams I saw donut.com being used.

Again, I think it's not the tool that's the problem, but the team, in that I don't think a team whose use of the tool is problematic wouldn't have problems if the tool didn't exist.

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#86

Post by reidjs »

injidup wrote: post #75

Go regularly to your local surf beach/kite spot/skate park/climbing wall/Games workshop/organic vegetable collective/Latin dance club / or whatever your interest is. Show that you are interested. Talk to people. Ask questions. Give praise when you see cool stuff. Accept praise when it's given. Don't bring your job with you. Be respectful and interactive. Let connections build over time. No app needed!

Repeating "don't bring your job with you."

It often comes across as status-checking based on income. I feel bad for people who can't think of a better question than "so, what do you do?"

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#87

Post by Viliam1234 »

bserge wrote: post #70
Frost1x wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I think the biggest problem with friendships these days is people want friends without all the work that goes with it. We have a very convenience driven "me first" culture. While it's healthy to always keep in mind your needs, aside from maybe you close family/friends, few will, you also have to consider other people and learn to reach agreeable compromises. Sometimes it means driving somewhere you don't want to and…

If you do that, you have a high chance of being an idiot. You'll be the idiot who puts others first, always helps them, gets nothing in return and then gets abandoned. Hence most people are playing it safe and care about themselves first.

You could use a "tit for tat" strategy, where you do something nice for the other person first, and later you ask them for help with something small you need. Those who don't reciprocate, they get on your blacklist and you no longer do nice things for them. With those who reciprocate, you gradually escalate.

But this requires some bookkeeping, that strategies like "always help others" and "never help others" do not.

Seems like many people start with "always help others" as a combination of idealism and... I was tempted to say laziness, but probably the idea just never occured to them. After seeing that people do not reciprocate, they burn out and switch to "never help others". Or maybe it's not even the case that most people do not reciprocate, but rather that there are a few abusers who notice the opportunity and start exploiting the naive person. (So the naive person's statistics would be like "I helped others 100 times, and was only helped 7 times myself", but they forget to notice that of those 100 times they helped someone, 90 times they helped the same person who never reciprocated.)

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#88

Post by simplify »

mkr-hn wrote: post #73
bserge wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Verbal/written or actual support?

Money, transportation, housing, referrals/interviews/jobs, a good time with safe people away from an unsafe but currently inescapable situation. Sometimes verbal or written, but that can be just what someone needs. I've personally received a few lifelines.

While those things are great, they're also one-and-done transactions. All the other person needs to do is say thanks and be appreciative.

Building friendships is actually harder. It takes more time and more effort, on many separate occasions. And there's no guarantee it'll be worth it, either.

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#89

Post by gilbetron »

injidup wrote: post #75

Go regularly to your local surf beach/kite spot/skate park/climbing wall/Games workshop/organic vegetable collective/Latin dance club / or whatever your interest is. Show that you are interested. Talk to people. Ask questions. Give praise when you see cool stuff. Accept praise when it's given. Don't bring your job with you. Be respectful and interactive. Let connections build over time. No app needed!

I think the "problem" is that then you have to deal with real people rather than the fantasy facades social apps and discussion sites let us create!

Re: Hmsklt – App to help friends form deeper relationships

#90

Post by Viliam1234 »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #54
hamuraijack wrote: post #51

If you're trying to build a tool to help deepen connections, it shouldn't be around sharing things that you do. We've tried that model for the last 15 years and it's clearly failed. I think what people crave these days is human connection through interactions. I think the biggest problem with friendships these days is people want friends without all the work that goes with it.

I wonder if a shared struggle/experience is needed to forge strong bonds. Not just going out, eating/drinking/dancing over and over, but a series of ups and downs. Maybe individuals becoming less dependent on others due to a combination of earning power and internet facilitating ease of accessing information and communicating with literally anyone and not just those around you changed the parameters of life. Hence re…

Yeah. At some moment in my life I noticed that there are two types of "friends": First is a person you can have fun with... and that is all you can ever do with them. Second is a person you can have fun with, but you can also discuss serious things with, and help each other. As long as you only have fun, these two types seem similar. You typically learn the difference only when something bad happens to you... then the first type of friend disappears.

You can filter friends by putting yourself together in difficult situations on purpose. Like, take a long trip together, some problems will happen and you can see how the other person reacts. Or volunteer for an organization that helps others; the friends you find there are already filtered for their willingness to help others. (This isn't a 100% certain strategy; there are some abusers who know that others use this algorithm, so they go there fishing for easy victims to exploit. But most of lazy and selfish people would refuse to try anything like this.)

If your life is all about fun, then you are at risk of being surrounded by people who are your friends only as long as the fun lasts.

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