How to Escape Loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#41

Post by mike00632 » Thu, Sep 16, 2021, 10:50 PM UTC

0x0x0x2345 wrote: post #33

I love programming (that’s why I’m on hacker news) but when I get into the zone it makes me feel… “wired” is the best way to describe it is or “switched on”. After I find it difficult to socialise, make conversation and switch off - and it contributes to a feeling of loneliness. I know others get this feeling but for me it’s much longer lasting and stronger. The half-life is around days not hours and so it also impac…

Yup. Programming and math can put me into a state of mind where it is hard to socialize with people. It takes hours or days to come out of that state of mind.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#42

Post by haxiomic » Fri, Sep 17, 2021, 12:28 AM UTC

mike00632 wrote: post #41

0x0x0x2345 wrote: post #33

I love programming (that’s why I’m on hacker news) but when I get into the zone it makes me feel… “wired” is the best way to describe it is or “switched on”. After I find it difficult to socialise, make conversation and switch off - and it contributes to a feeling of loneliness. I know others get this feeling but for me it’s much longer lasting and stronger. The half-life is around days not hours and so it also impac…

Yup. Programming and math can put me into a state of mind where it is hard to socialize with people. It takes hours or days to come out of that state of mind.

Absolutely, I can be a completely different person one week to the next depending on my work

I’ve found it helpful to explain the difficulties of programmer brain to others as being like trying to talk to me while I’m on the phone to someone. I can do it, but it’s not comfortable and I might not make you feel as connected as I’d want you to

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#43

Post by eigengrau5150 » Fri, Sep 17, 2021, 1:31 AM UTC

I escape loneliness by escaping society. I'm never lonely unless I'm around other people.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#44

Post by redis_mlc » Fri, Sep 17, 2021, 1:53 AM UTC

jimmyed wrote: post #7

I have a little hack to fight loneliness; shitposting on HN. Quirky comments get the party started with these elitist HN types.

[dead]

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#45

Post by legerdemain » Fri, Sep 17, 2021, 4:12 AM UTC

Some people here actively confuse "activity buddies" with friends. You can go to a board game night with a person for years and not develop a relationship with them. Friendship thrives on intimacy and mutual vulnerability. A friend is someone who can give you an honest opinion, or deliver a piece of bad news, or whose unsolicited advice you actually value. This kind of intimacy isn't something you build over a game of Settlers or at a rock-climbing gym. You build it mostly one on one, mostly while not doing something else. There aren't a ton of scaffolded options for this kind of unstructured bonding, and this is why friendship is more rare than just meeting up with some people to play Catan on Thursday nights.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#46

Post by OhHiMarkos » Fri, Sep 17, 2021, 8:03 AM UTC

That was a great read in a time I feel overwhelmed by a lot of stuff, loneliness being one of them.

> Seek Collectives

Being passionate about geeky stuff can be a lonely hobby if you live in a small city of a small country. Even at my job, I am the only developer at my department.

But what shocked me most while interviewing for a remote position, was the fact that it was difficult for me to talk about tech and describe what I previously did. The thing I am doing for a few years now and I couldn't talk normally about it, and it shocked me that I didn't have trained that "specific social muscle" at all because I don't have anyone to talk to about technology.

Now I am looking for better opportunities abroad, which is another amplifier of loneliness.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#47

Post by black_13 » Fri, Sep 17, 2021, 5:02 PM UTC

sneak wrote: post #4

The American lifestyle is engineered specifically to fit a style that, whether intentional or not, promotes deep and debilitating loneliness. You have to deliberately live in a very abnormal way to avoid it. Most Americans have very little contact with strangers outside of their workplace. It's a real tragedy.

To connect is to have power.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#48

Post by ggeorgovassilis » Sat, Sep 18, 2021, 11:41 AM UTC

randmeerkat wrote: post #22

pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

Part of this is just understanding communication, and what healthy communication looks like. The other part is knowing yourself, what you’re looking for, and being honest with where you’re at. When developing a new relationship, friends or otherwise, it’s great to ask them questions about themselves, to try to learn more about them and to empathize with them. After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent…

> After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself

They do not. After they are done talking, they notice "boy it's getting late, we should wrap this up". And next time they meet, they are full of new stories.