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How to Escape Loneliness

whatsonyourmind.substack.com

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Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#31

Post by e40 »

munificent wrote: post #12
e40 wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I saw this in The Three-Body Problem : > Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen, and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story. That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true it was for my interactions in the last few months.

> for my interactions in the last few months. I read something on Twitter about the pandemic that really stuck with me: Everyone needs more than anyone else has to give right now. If that quote resonates with you all the time, then there may be a deeper problem at play. But right now, yeah, we're all feeling pretty tapped out.

It very well could be just the people in my life.

Btw, it's only that I noticed it the last few months. I think it's been going on far longer and more indicative of my relationships. Sadly.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#32

Post by e40 »

toyg wrote: post #29
e40 wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I saw this in The Three-Body Problem : > Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen, and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story. That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true it was for my interactions in the last few months.

The part about stories is not necessarily true though. If your story really is engaging or entertaining, you're scoring social points, people will be happy they listened and might ask you for more. The problem is that most people overestimate how interesting their experience is to others.

I've definitely noticed an asymmetry, though. I engage and they don't. Yeah, I wasn't hugely interested in some of their stories, but I understand they are important to them, so I made the effort. Don't see the effort returned as often as I make it, that's all.

And it's not everyone, it's a subset of people.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#33

Post by 0x0x0x2345 »

I love programming (that’s why I’m on hacker news) but when I get into the zone it makes me feel… “wired” is the best way to describe it is or “switched on”. After I find it difficult to socialise, make conversation and switch off - and it contributes to a feeling of loneliness.

I know others get this feeling but for me it’s much longer lasting and stronger. The half-life is around days not hours and so it also impacts my weekends.

I then find it difficult to feel connected with my friends and partner and I hate myself for it.

In contract on holidays, I feel bubbly, the conversation flows and overall I am a much more sociable person.

The feeling of being wired is specifically linked to deep thinking when programming or doing maths. I don’t get it when I “work hard” for example writing. It impacts my thoughts, mind, mood and composition.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#34

Post by Zababa »

Xplune13 wrote: post #14
Zababa wrote: post #2

It's weird how everything in this article seems true and logical, but at the same time it rings hollow and I feel like the author is missing an important point. From experience, for some people it will be hard to connect to most people, and thus you'll end up more lonely than usual most of the time. If at the same time you're a good listener and generous with your time, it can get exhausting to have lots of one-sided…

I cannot agree more with your last sentence. Even if the relationships aren't one sided, the feeling that they are is the worst and an enemy of action, so much so that the inaction becomes part of who you are and you start to take things in "it is what it is" without trying to communicate with others (speaking from experience). I love to be alone but hate to be lonely, and I haven't found a balance of "what am I supp…

> I love to be alone but hate to be lonely, and I haven't found a balance of "what am I supposed to do" yet.

That's a great way to put it.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#35

Post by Zababa »

eddywebs wrote: post #11
pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

How does one become a good listener ?

For me it's a mix of curiosity, and trying to understand (or directly asking) what the person I'm talking to is getting at. For example, someone talks to you about something that happens at their job. Try to understand what they do in their job, their company, the people around them. Also try to understand their feeling. Are they looking angry? What made them angry? Why?

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#36

Post by Zababa »

randmeerkat wrote: post #22
pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

Part of this is just understanding communication, and what healthy communication looks like. The other part is knowing yourself, what you’re looking for, and being honest with where you’re at. When developing a new relationship, friends or otherwise, it’s great to ask them questions about themselves, to try to learn more about them and to empathize with them. After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent…

> After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself

From my experience, this isn't really true. It's easy to see people for a long time and often, and never really have them ask anything about yourselves. Which means people asking about me is a powerful filter, which has its advantages.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#37

Post by Zababa »

jimmyed wrote: post #7

I have a little hack to fight loneliness; shitposting on HN. Quirky comments get the party started with these elitist HN types.

It makes me feel a bit less lonely to know that whenever I post something incorrect about programming languages, someone will be there to correct me.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#38

Post by hkon »

Have we always changed our social circles so completely as we do now? We abandon our childhood friends to get education. Then we abandon our fellow students to get jobs. Then we switch jobs. And also, we socialize on a less personal plane with the people we work with. Maybe in a unnatural way as well. And at the end of the day when you are done working I think it takes tremendous effort to go socialize and build up a new social circle yet again. So it's a game rigged in the favor of loneliness. When I read such things I just think of the hunter gatherer society and how they would have lived compared to us and how we might have changed our social behavior. This complete change of social circles I can't imagine was that common.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#39

Post by [deleted] »

jdavis703 wrote: post #28
stagger87 wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In suburban America the concept of a block party is relatively common. All neighbors in a cul-de-sac/street get together and eat/drink.

But if I understand the party is usually on the street or yards (I could be wrong, I’ve never lived in that type of suburb). People generally don’t open their homes, right?

[deleted]

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#40

Post by [deleted] »

sneak wrote: post #27
stagger87 wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In suburban America the concept of a block party is relatively common. All neighbors in a cul-de-sac/street get together and eat/drink.

I've lived in several US suburbs and as far as I've seen block parties in suburbs only happen on TV. Suburbs are actively antisocial places. Street festivals and that sort of stuff actually happen in NYC, which is, of course, not a suburb.

[deleted]
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