The goal of standards is to improve our future actions • Hacker News Board

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#91

Post by k5z » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 2:57 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #55

I was diagnosed in my thirties with a congenital condition. I decided "I need to start making more Bs if I'm ever going to get anywhere." Twenty years later, I look back on my high expectations and realize that I was inculcated with them in childhood and also got a lot of support in childhood for being able to hit those performance marks in school. Growing up and leaving home meant I still had high expectations but I…

I have always struggled with doing things to a level demanded by nobody. Recently though I decided that I’m going to have a BMW ( the stupider and faster the better…) so I’ve found when I answer the question (“is what I’m doing going to get me towards my goal”)

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#92

Post by bitexploder » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 3:08 AM UTC

maroonblazer wrote: post #69

kirse wrote: post #49

Perfectionism is typically a defense mechanism of some sort. This post is trying to fix all the damaged fruit springing from the roots of perfectionism, like trying to stamp out every ant instead of killing the queen. Sometimes you grew up in a family with a harsh & critical parent, or rewards for progress were minimal, so a spirit of "well done!" is absent. Or maybe you had a personal trauma and the striving is an a…

I was raised Catholic and had Paul's letters read to me every week, both in Mass and in Sunday school/CCD. The Stoics, Buddhism, and CBT proved much more fruitful in finding healthy balance between my aspirations and capabilities.

Religion likes to try and corner the market on the human condition. To be fair even the Greek philosophers had some religious beliefs attached to Stoicism, but what survived of their works that is of use to us here and now was their more generic life philosophy, which is quite practical and beautiful in places.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#93

Post by fragmede » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 3:20 AM UTC

rejectedandsad wrote: post #68

MauranKilom wrote: post #11

A few years ago, I made a new year's resolution to be more forgiving to myself. At the time, I would feel miserable at the end of the day for, say, not doing laundry even though I had resolved to do so. I would downright hate myself for not getting this simple task done despite having had the time. So, that year, whenever I would have such a thought, I'd tell myself that I forgive my past self. "It's ok!" And it has…

The problem Is I see reminders to my failures constantly (I have mint.com open on one of my monitors). I can’t easily escape being an abject failure because of my lack of social class and status.

That sounds deeply painful. Why choose to keep a constant reminder up? If you're lucky you'll be able to forget about it for a brief instant but it sounds like you have intrusive thoughts that won't let you forget. There's medication for that, among other things, if you so choose.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#94

Post by dwaltrip » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 3:23 AM UTC

The author seems to be discussing a form of the “inner critic”. In my personal experience, a severe inner critic seems to be a symptom of unresolved emotional issues due to difficult life experiences / circumstances and unmet needs (in many cases, one could potentially use the word “trauma”, but it is a heavy and loaded word).

Practicing self-compassion, learning how to better process emotions, re-assessing how to live a good life, and changing my circumstances have all been really important for me to get better. The processing of really difficult emotions has been very hard at times but it seems to be necessary part of the process, at least for me :).

I’m not sure if any of this applies to the author, but thought it was worth sharing.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#95

Post by 6510 » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 3:29 AM UTC

dwaltrip wrote: post #94

The author seems to be discussing a form of the “inner critic”. In my personal experience, a severe inner critic seems to be a symptom of unresolved emotional issues due to difficult life experiences / circumstances and unmet needs (in many cases, one could potentially use the word “trauma”, but it is a heavy and loaded word). Practicing self-compassion, learning how to better process emotions, re-assessing how to li…

I think the emotional issues are from pushing to hard. There is a time and place for idleness and like sleeping it helps organize the brain and emotions therefore it is highly productive. Cut enough of it and everything you do or make seems to suck - because it does.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#96

Post by lazybreather » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 4:05 AM UTC

Up until a few years ago, the first thing I would do when I find good content written by someone younger to me is to see if it was a real person. And then I was really pissed off at myself for some reason. Happy at least that part changed. All in all, very well articulated, especially for a recent grad. Cambridge does that I guess. Following your blog and musings now on.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#97

Post by yazaddaruvala » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 4:05 AM UTC

MauranKilom wrote: post #11

A few years ago, I made a new year's resolution to be more forgiving to myself. At the time, I would feel miserable at the end of the day for, say, not doing laundry even though I had resolved to do so. I would downright hate myself for not getting this simple task done despite having had the time. So, that year, whenever I would have such a thought, I'd tell myself that I forgive my past self. "It's ok!" And it has…

> Downsides might include being overall more apathetic and possibly less motivated (but that might also be an illusion

FWIW, Sidartha might say “You’ve given up frivolities and potentially closer to giving up desire. You’re one step closer to enlightenment.”

The symptoms of enlightenment (“a positive”) are the same as apathy and lacking motivation (“a negative”). Everything is a matter of framing :). I’m glad you’ve chosen a mental model that frames your imperfections as learning opportunities rather than justification for self-punishment.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#98

Post by SamPatt » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 4:41 AM UTC

spython wrote: post #74

jodrellblank wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the basis of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT); hating oneself or forgiving oneself are behaviours of the mind (cognition), and the idea is that we can fall into negative behaviours and get stuck there, and can learn positive behaviours instead. A realted sticking point is when we can't learn positive beahviours, because we don't want to give up the negative ones - e.g. "I deserve to hate myself for not doi…

Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), as a further development of CBT, seems to be even better geared towards forgiveness, acceptance and commitment to the goals you actually deeply care about. (Haven't tried it personally though) A great overview here: https://www.metafilter.com/182938/We-Hurt-Where-We-Care

I can recommended ACT for folks with depression largely stemming from life situations (as opposed to clear medical issues).

The death of my parents (among other life events) has been difficult for me and ACT has helped.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#99

Post by crazygringo » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 4:43 AM UTC

MauranKilom wrote: post #11

A few years ago, I made a new year's resolution to be more forgiving to myself. At the time, I would feel miserable at the end of the day for, say, not doing laundry even though I had resolved to do so. I would downright hate myself for not getting this simple task done despite having had the time. So, that year, whenever I would have such a thought, I'd tell myself that I forgive my past self. "It's ok!" And it has…

Yup.

One of the most eye-opening perspectives for me was to ask myself -- how would I judge a friend if it were them rather than me? In this case, if a friend didn't do their laundry that day?

Suddenly I realized I was holding myself to a standard 10x what I was expecting of anyone else. And stopping that was life-changing. It just took deciding to treat myself as kindly as I treat others.

Just like you -- I still get basically the same amount of stuff done, or maybe 90% of before -- but stop feeling horribly guilty about myself all the time. And if I lost 10%, it's a worthwhile tradeoff.

Re: The goal of standards is to improve our future actions

#100

Post by SamPatt » Thu, Sep 02, 2021, 4:46 AM UTC

mlac wrote: post #78

DoreenMichele wrote: post #55

I was diagnosed in my thirties with a congenital condition. I decided "I need to start making more Bs if I'm ever going to get anywhere." Twenty years later, I look back on my high expectations and realize that I was inculcated with them in childhood and also got a lot of support in childhood for being able to hit those performance marks in school. Growing up and leaving home meant I still had high expectations but I…

Along these lines, I find it to be really important to have things that I do not do well, and that I do not optimize. I tend to research and over-optimize every activity I do. Part of that is the fun I find in a hobby - I like to learn how to do it at the absolute best level (or how the professionals do it). But in doing so, I've found that I need to be OK not being the best, and when I don't hit that mark, improve m…

Agree with embracing being bad at some things.

For perfectionists it's basically therapy.

I'm training for a triathlon. I kinda suck at it. Taking me way longer than I had planned, much slower progress.

It's humbling, but also freeing too. It's ok to not optimize every aspect of life. It might take me a year of training to be able to finish a triathlon instead of 3 or 4 months, and I'll likely be in the back of the pack ... so what?