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The art of not taking things personally

medium.dave-bailey.com

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Re: The art of not taking things personally

#111

Post by maybevain »

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

Aside, but for those like me who can't help but wonder: EBT (I believe) stands for electronic benefit transfer, apparently an electronic payment method issued by welfare departments in the USA.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#112

Post by viach »

Some people can be aware of what you think their emitions are driven by and use it for manipulative reasons when you react accordingly. Probably it is a good idea to treat people as grown adults who can be responsible for their reactions whatever reasons are behind them.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#113

Post by roystonvassey »

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

"What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs."

Absolutely. It is definitely hard to cut through all the fluff when we are emotional but this realization has helped me so many times and, this applies not just at work. Just as we are going through these states and the self-awareness is important, it helps to also realize that others are transiting too through these different states.

I'm reminded of an another thought that was shared here a while back that I try to remember often:

“Life is mostly froth and bubble, Two things stand like stone. Kindness in another's trouble, Courage in your own.”

― Adam Lindsay Gordon

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#114

Post by akomtu »

courtf wrote: post #11

Counterpoint: enlightenment is overrated and life is meant to be taken personally. In some senses, it is a bit cowardly to run away from the current moment we live in by stepping back and viewing the big picture too often. "Negative" emotions and experiences are valid parts of life. Anger, anxiety, fear etc are all part of being a human being and have evolved over billions of years to reach their current forms. We ma…

That's the territory of natural philosophy. The typical answer from "occult" books to your argument would be that there are two almost independent beings posing as one human: the lower one, which includes autonomous body capable of feeling and primitive thinking; and the upper triad that includes abstract mind, also capable of independent existence. Most people are unsure which part they identify with. Your argument is basically identifying with the lower half. This is basically what the upside down pentagram means: a human who chose to go downwards. Of course, you can dismiss this counter-argument as unscientific and forget about it.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#115

Post by watwut »

sammalloy wrote: post #51

> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

This is how abuse victims are often socialized and what they do. The people who stay in abusive relationships/workplaces or move from one abusive relationship to another. They assume themselves responsible for other peoples emotions. If others react negatively, they see it as their duty to adjust everything to that.

And when they talk about abuse with people whobhave this expectation, this expectation, they get blamed to not twist themselves perfectly to abusers wishes.

This is noble and sometimes works. But other times you need to set boundaries. You need to protect yourself even as abuser feels bad about it.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#116

Post by scns »

jetrink wrote: post #43
scns wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Aristoteles wrote this is the goal IIRC. In buddhism they aim for something similar, neither being swayed by your desires nor fears, stay calm enables being able to act instead only reacting to external stimuli on autopilot. Nothing wrong with it IMSO.

> IMSO In my stoic opinion?

Subjective

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#117

Post by [deleted] »

dumpsterdiver wrote: post #74
andrewmcwatters wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What do you mean by "fragility?"

Colloquial usage around here means something close to, "An inability to gracefully accept an external perception of ourselves, because that perception is at odds with our own understanding of ourselves." This "fragility" must always be accompanied by an accusation - otherwise fragility would not manifest. Without an accusation to deny, no one can be fragile in this sense. The opposite of fragility is callousness - i.…

[deleted]

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#118

Post by mLuby »

dumpsterdiver wrote: post #74
andrewmcwatters wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What do you mean by "fragility?"

Colloquial usage around here means something close to, "An inability to gracefully accept an external perception of ourselves, because that perception is at odds with our own understanding of ourselves." This "fragility" must always be accompanied by an accusation - otherwise fragility would not manifest. Without an accusation to deny, no one can be fragile in this sense. The opposite of fragility is callousness - i.…

> Colloquial usage around here

"Here" sounds like a strange place.

Fragility means something is easily broken. The opposite is toughness, not callousness. Relatedly, resilience means something recovers or repairs easily. Sensitivity is how easily something reacts to inputs.

Fragility in people (AKA "breaking down" or "going to pieces") doesn't need an accusation or necessarily involve external perceptions. If you see an adult, say, trip over something and then start sobbing, they were likely already in a fragile state and the trip was enough to momentarily shatter them. Someone who's "tough" will endure more hardship than someone who's "fragile" before breaking down. Someone who's resilient will be able to put themselves back together again more easily, regardless of whether they were tough or fragile.

Fragility as the original posted used it makes sense: if someone is food/money insecure or physically insecure or socially insecure, it won't take much "damage" to make that insecurity into a crisis.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#119

Post by smackeyacky »

ogre_magi wrote: post #94
ljm wrote: post #73

I scanned the page for 'empathy' and there was not a single mention of it. 'Emotional generosity', the thing at the start of the article, doesn't count. I don't know where that language came from but it doesn't sound empathetic, it sounds transactional. I don't really care for what else the author has to say, having understood that

The entire article is about empathizing with others...

Its more a guide for pandering to the narcicissts who infect our lives and make us miserable.

If you find yourself having to perform these rituals in the workspace, stop yourself.

When dealing with emotionally damaged people who never made it to fully functional adult, speak to them in a monotone and don't engage with the emotional manipulation they are attempting. This will confuse them, then enrage them, then finally they will admit defeat.

Do not pander to the emotionally manipulative person ever.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#120

Post by scns »

marbletimes wrote: post #85
scns wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Khalil Gibran expressed it like this: "You can avoid crying all your tears, but you won't laugh all you laughter then." Highly recommend reading The Prophet by him. A thin book, saying a lot with a few words.

This is one of those witty sentences that sound good (the balance of life, laughs here, tears there, if you want to enjoy living you need to accept dying, everything happens for a reason), but they are just biblical nonsense. There are plenty of very accomplished, successful (internally and externally) people who feel much more joy than sorrow, and plenty of evil people who have an internal life that is no worse than…

I read it differently, like: if you suppress feelings you want to avoid (labeled negative usually), you won't feel all the feelings you would like to (labeled positive usually).

(edit) Another favourite quote of mine is from the chapter about pain: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

You can read the full chapter here: https://poets.org/poem/pain-1

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