The art of not taking things personally • Hacker News Board

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#81

Post by jareklupinski » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 12:46 AM UTC

foobiekr wrote: post #22

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

> It's like the volume got turned down.

a bit tangental :) recently I was wearing headphones for a zoom meeting, when someone in the same apartment asked me if I could turn down the volume, since it was so loud they could hear everyone on the meeting even with my headset on.

I had not realized how loud I was turning the system volume up in meetings, and after being conscious to it and joining at half volume, I noticed my stress during meetings and around calls in general has gone down a lot.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#82

Post by exo-pla-net » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 12:52 AM UTC

ljm wrote: post #73

I scanned the page for 'empathy' and there was not a single mention of it. 'Emotional generosity', the thing at the start of the article, doesn't count. I don't know where that language came from but it doesn't sound empathetic, it sounds transactional. I don't really care for what else the author has to say, having understood that

This article about a forest doesn't mention the word "tree". I'll be looking for lumber elsewhere, thank you very much.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#83

Post by dang » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 12:53 AM UTC

black_13 wrote: post #20

I really dont want to understand your poor behaviors or empathize with an abuser.

Would you please stop posting unsubstantive comments to HN? You've done that a lot, and we ban such accounts. It's not what this site is for.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#84

Post by BeetleB » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 1:17 AM UTC

sammalloy wrote: post #51

> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

> I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

Short answer: Critical mass

Long answer: Probably will never hit critical mass. This is very hard to do on the fly and requires a lot of practice.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#85

Post by marbletimes » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 1:23 AM UTC

scns wrote: post #39

qqtt wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree. A lot of discussion and these philosophical quotes about living tend to want to inspire you to rebel against your nature. Think abstractly. Think rationally. Make the right decisions (for some value of "right"). But people aren't really wired like this. Maybe rebelling against your nature is the "right" choice, but maybe just living your life isn't so bad either. Take things personally. Don't take things per…

Khalil Gibran expressed it like this: "You can avoid crying all your tears, but you won't laugh all you laughter then." Highly recommend reading The Prophet by him. A thin book, saying a lot with a few words.

This is one of those witty sentences that sound good (the balance of life, laughs here, tears there, if you want to enjoy living you need to accept dying, everything happens for a reason), but they are just biblical nonsense. There are plenty of very accomplished, successful (internally and externally) people who feel much more joy than sorrow, and plenty of evil people who have an internal life that is no worse than much more saintly people, but according to The Prophet they all should cry more. I remember I went on a date, and they said, "when a relationship is ending, I really want to feel the pain, as it makes the relationship something of value". I thought it was bananas, there is very little to be gained by pain and spiraling introspection after a break-up. But the other side of the coin says, should I keep my mouth shut during cringy conversation, so I can then have more enlightened, or presumably enlightened, conversations with someone else?

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#86

Post by TameAntelope » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 1:51 AM UTC

sammalloy wrote: post #51

> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#87

Post by dennis_jeeves » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 1:56 AM UTC

packetlost wrote: post #31

foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

That's me, except I'm in my early-mid 20s and I've always been like that. I describe it as being 'the opposite of neurotic' in a psychological sense.

You are way ahead of the crowd, take care.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#88

Post by neeleshs » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 1:58 AM UTC

jacobr1 wrote: post #48

weaksauce wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

you sure that's not a depressive episode worth talking to your doctor about? depression isn't just the stereotypical dread and angst that the movies typically display. it's more of a nothing tastes great anymore, I'm apathetic toward life, nothing excites me, etc.

I'm not the OP, but I've noticed something similar myself. I still have certain things I'm passionate about. But I no longer feel the need (or rather I don't just automatically become invested in every topic that comes up in my environment). People do outrageous things in the world, and an earlier me might have had a self-righteous anger about it. Today, while I certainly have an intellectual care, I have the luxury…

+1 for the book. There are too many things in this always-on world to give a f..k about. I've been trying to enjoy smaller things in life more and do not react to all the shif..ry that always seems to be going on around my immediate world. Much better state of mind.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#89

Post by nemo44x » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:01 AM UTC

zz865 wrote: post #64

The problem I'm getting as I get older I'm starting to overshoot and not care about anyone's opinions, turning into a grumpy old man who doesnt care any more. :)

I think that’s normal. You eventually get enough experience you can’t be bullshitted much anymore and bullshit is everywhere it turns out.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#90

Post by neeleshs » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:01 AM UTC

weaksauce wrote: post #34

foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

you sure that's not a depressive episode worth talking to your doctor about? depression isn't just the stereotypical dread and angst that the movies typically display. it's more of a nothing tastes great anymore, I'm apathetic toward life, nothing excites me, etc.

Not OP, but at least for me it's the deliberate act of not reacting to shit always. Still enjoy a bowl of pasta at my favorite restaurant or a piece of dark chocolate.still joyful seeing the full moon or the occasional mars in the sky!