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The vital art of talking to strangers

economist.com

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Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#221

Post by iammisc »

selimthegrim wrote: post #220
edmundsauto wrote: post #194

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The takeaway from those articles seems to be that even the most integrated churches are still trailing average neighborhood integration numbers (which are broadly considered problematic). There has been progress, but there is still a ways to go: > Despite progress in church integration, congregations remain far more segregated than the society in general. Dr. Dougherty, an associate professor of sociology at Baylor U…

I grew up in an Ahmedi congregation in suburban Cleveland. It was about 50% African-American and 50% post-60s Pakistani or Indian immigrants with the odd old-time immigrant family (mine) who intermarried or white converts. (My great grandfather famously had Elijah Muhammad to dinner on one of his visits to Cleveland.) Later as I grew up I realized just how unusual that sort of integration was among any congregation,…

Yeah I grew up in a Catholic church that was probably 30% vietnamese, 30% hispanic, and 40% white / everyone else. I guess my views are heavily influenced by that.

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#222

Post by peterburkimsher »

JohnFen wrote: post #195
beezischillin wrote: post #145

I grew up as a very lonely child so I struggle a lot with talking to strangers, usually the idea way more than the practice. Knowing that I’ll have to call a stranger on the phone or go to a social event full of unknown people stresses me out to the point of often thinking of many ways of how I’d like to get out of them. In social situations I struggle to let go and have to put enormous amounts of energy to act ‘norm…

I'm fundamentally introverted, but one day I realized something that made it much easier to talk with strangers: they're strangers! So what they think about me is (usually) of no actual importance. If I make a fool of myself, no harm done!

This. I hear some people talk about how they find a trusted friend to share their personal thoughts with, and who can hold them accountable.

I take the opposite approach: I trust strangers more! Especially those who are about to leave the country (e.g. CouchSurfing meetup back in the day, hopefully BeWelcome when COVID ends).

Even if they gossip those secrets, who cares if they're half the world away?

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#223

Post by curryst »

watwut wrote: post #171
stronglikedan wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think Mike Tyson managed to eloquently sum up the Online vs IRL interactions with strangers when he said, "Social media made you all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it."

Threat of violence amd violence is not actually improvement over people talking angrily.

I don't think it's quite that black and white. In my experience, most people want there to be some divide between things you can say in public and things you can't say in public. As an example, I think most people agree that shouting racist slurs in the street is unacceptable.

There has to be some enforcement mechanism for "you can't say that in public". The government is a poor way to enforce that for a variety of reasons, but there has to be something.

In ye olden days, it was the threat of getting smacked. Banning that left a void that we've filled with canceling people. I don't think it's really an improvement. Getting hit let's you know that you've been an ass, but in a way where you have an opportunity to change your beliefs, or at the very least keep them to yourself.

Getting cancelled is permanent. You will always be "that person" and it's enshrined in public memory. Why bother changing your views if you're damned anyways? And it has a severe chilling effect, because the fear is "what if I ruin the rest of my life?" rather than "what if I wake up with a black eye?".

If I was given the choice, I'd far rather get hit. I'd rather lose some teeth than be digitally lynched.

I honestly think being cancelled is a far worse punishment than getting the crap beat out of me. In our quest to remove violence, we've managed to invent something worse, and I'm really not sure it's a good thing.

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#224

Post by technothrasher »

beezischillin wrote: post #145

I grew up as a very lonely child so I struggle a lot with talking to strangers, usually the idea way more than the practice. Knowing that I’ll have to call a stranger on the phone or go to a social event full of unknown people stresses me out to the point of often thinking of many ways of how I’d like to get out of them. In social situations I struggle to let go and have to put enormous amounts of energy to act ‘norm…

> I often wonder if other people are even remotely like me or if all this comes easily and naturally to them at all times.

I can't speak for others, but yes, I am more than remotely like you. I hate the phone, and for much of my life I had an incredibly hard time talking to strangers. As I've grown older (I am quickly approaching fifty) talking to strangers has become easier. I think it's because I care less about what they think of me. Parties can still be hard, but it has become more that I'm uninterested in bothering to carry on a conversation with many folk rather than what used to be more afraid to do so.

But when visiting a local museum the other day, I decided I wanted to talk to the curator because I was fascinated by the museum and had so many questions. So I just walked over and introduced myself. We've now had a very productive email conversation going for the past few days. Even ten years ago, I would never even have thought of doing that.

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#225

Post by wonderwonder »

iammisc wrote: post #48
munificent wrote: post #15

I have a hypothesis that almost all of the US's current cultural problems would be solved if once a month we all cooked and shared a meal with another randomly chosen family.

We used to call this going to church. When literally everyone of all political stripes attended the same churches, going to a church potluck was basically being paired randomly. However large political factions have made church membership out to be undesirable. We are reaping the rewards. I realized yesterday reading about cornel west, that even though I disagree with his politics, I see from his Christianity we have…

Plenty of people still go to church but attendance is declining as the popularity of the churches morals, biases and lessons fall out of favor. One could probably argue that as the larger Christian sects have become associated with politics that decline has accelerated. It does not make sense for people who don't believe in god or hold different views on what is moral or not to attend . With that said I am sure you are quite right that having something in common such as church attendance, etc. leads to community building but only as far as between those already in the same community, Catholicism, southern Baptist, etc. I do think that people would be well served to get involved in large organized groups but optimally ones that are not bent on separating people into us and them. I don't think that a decline in church attendance is in any way the driver of societies ills as church attendance was sky high in the 40's and 50's and did not go so great for everyone. My personal opinion is that social media, echo chambers and the ability to isolate oneself by having most of ones superficial needs met via technology is the cause.

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#226

Post by princeb »

iammisc wrote: post #48
munificent wrote: post #15

I have a hypothesis that almost all of the US's current cultural problems would be solved if once a month we all cooked and shared a meal with another randomly chosen family.

We used to call this going to church. When literally everyone of all political stripes attended the same churches, going to a church potluck was basically being paired randomly. However large political factions have made church membership out to be undesirable. We are reaping the rewards. I realized yesterday reading about cornel west, that even though I disagree with his politics, I see from his Christianity we have…

> When literally everyone of all political stripes attended the same churches

"It is appalling that the most segregated hour of Christian America is eleven o’clock on Sunday morning" -MLK

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#227

Post by hluska »

iammisc wrote: post #176
hluska wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm an ex-Catholic and am likely one of the left leaning people you're talking about. I left the church because frankly, the actions of the church and its policies are so far from Jesus' teachings that I could no longer reconcile a belief in Christ with mother church. > We chock it up to things like abortion and sexual ethics but I don't buy it. Homophobia != sexual ethics. After my goodbye confession with a good pri…

I appreciate your candor. You seem to have pretty set views, but I think they're caricatures. In particular, while pro-life work that is most visible is someone praying at a planned parenthood (and of course, the ones that harass are typically not even Catholic, since it's not just catholics in this 'movement'), the bulk of pro-life work is exceptionally boring things like collecting bottles, diapers, baby clothes, p…

Dude, you started this out by calling my views caricatures and end it with wishing me the best?? The cognitive dissonance is very very strong in you.

I’m not going to reply to anything this disrespectful. Fake people aren’t worth my time.

Edit - A great Jesuit priest and mentor once said to be very careful with people who start with an insult, move on to a bible quote and end with good wishes. I understand his position. Frankly, it’s a shame you couldn’t be more respectful - we could have learned from each other’s theology.

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#228

Post by Nasrudith »

ceilingcorner wrote: post #136
jvalencia wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The problem is that it only takes a small percent to ruin it for all. If one in 10 people is awful, and you have 10 meetings with an even random distribution, then everyone will have a story about how they got swindled.

But the other 9 uniting against the 1’s craziness might actually be more effective than having 10/10 good people. “We just need an alien invasion to unite humanity.”

We seriously need to kick that bad habit as a species. Not only is it a widely exploited bug but it is a death spiral - you need a new scapegoat or the unity collapses.

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#229

Post by rdtwo »

siquick wrote: post #191
socialist_coder wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're spot on. Anything that increases your exposure to strangers and builds trust will be a boon to society. This is also the case with social clubs and sports leagues. Membership of these things has been in decline for decades and is now at an all-time low. Being in a bowling league or the rotary club with random members of your community did a ton to increase basic trust in society. Which in turn, makes everythin…

> This is why consuming video content, specifically streaming services with all-you-can-stream crap is so damaging. People no longer have time for shared dinners, clubs, or adult sports leagues because they'd rather binge watch a new series every week. In my experience it’s not that people would rather watch videos than see their friends or do their hobbies, it’s that they’re working jobs which consume their lives to…

Man I envy you, to have time and emotional energy to invest in a tv show. It’s too much a commitment for me. This must be why folks just want to watch reruns of friends no investment

Re: The vital art of talking to strangers

#230

Post by renewiltord »

bittercynic wrote: post #20
renewiltord wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Haha this is totally just social anxiety. Both ends actually. The belief that the girl next to you on the train is thinking you’re cute and ignoring her and the belief that she’s gonna react like that. A real version of that comic would probably have her thought bubble be like “I hope the meeting at five doesn’t run over. I’ve got to go pick up that camera lens from Best Buy. And what’s traffic going to be like. Shou…

I've noticed the same pattern - people are usually very polite if you address them - and it makes me more reluctant to strike up a conversation with nearby strangers. If they really don't want to interact with me they might not give me a clear signal, and I might be causing extended discomfort for someone even though they are acting like they want to continue the interaction. I'm trying to get smarter about reading s…

I genuinely don't know. I had close friends teach me how to act like a human being.
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