Ask HN: How to build empathy?

>I can relate to that, sort of, I just don't think one should be supposed to fake feeling sorry or other emotions.

No one is suggesting that. if it's fake, it's not going to work. You need to actively take an interest in what the other person is saying.

Look at what you're describing. It's an algorithm for appearing interested, without any of the actual interest. Your goal here is purely your appearance to the other person.

And it can work. But the follow-up question is: what is your goal?

If your goal is only to get what you want, there are much more effective ways than this sort of insincerity.

If your goal is to have a meaningful reaction with the other person, there is no substitute for mindful presence.

If you're not actually interested in what the other person is saying, examine your won mind for why that is, and decide whether you need to make a change.

But the most important thing is to forget about how you're appearing to the other person. By definition, it removes the authenticity from your interaction.

Now that can be problematic, for a number of reasons. I'm someone who's authentic self has been rejected by many people I've met in life. The temptation is to try to work on how I'm 'appearing' in order to avoid that rejection. But it doesn't work that way.

It turns out I needed to find more compatible people, instead of expecting to be compatible with everyone.

> I think cultivating curiosity about others is integral to building empathy

See the dart game scene in the show Ted Lasso:

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZ4YSXv6Xkg

Listening is an intense mental skill different from the physical capacity of hearing. Listening is multifaceted consisting of interpreting words, voice stress, posture, body language, and facial twitches. Truth occurs for a communicator when those facets are in agreement.

Listening well involves focus and intense concentration. Watch their body and face as they speak. Watch and listen for the smallest of changes.

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To be more empathetic talk to people to learn what they are doing and why. Remember that not everybody will be fully honest. The dishonesty is likely not deliberate as the person may not be aware of their own mixed signals. That is called cognitive complexity and frequently results from internal conflict. Many people lie to themselves and do astonishingly poorly even at that.

Remember that empathy is not sympathy. A shared emotional experience is often an irrelevant distraction.

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As for me I am a higher than average empathy person with very low sympathy. That is sometimes called low gives a shit. When people come to with challenges and failures I am evaluating them on multiple levels to look for stressors in order to properly respond with a guidance for improvement. What I won’t do is feel sad or sorry for them, which is them seeking comfort and agreement.

Often the best answer to conflict is something the audience doesn’t want to hear. You cannot control their receptiveness, but you can control the level of persuasion add additional stress for noncompliance.

Am I the only one in the room not to understand the question?

Do you have friends, I mean about 4 or 5? If yes, I do not think you have a problem.

Have you ever been in a relationship for at about 2 years? You do not have a problem.

Is it difficult for you to stay in a relationship more than a few months? Admit you were not compatible. If you think you were compatible, reflect on your own mistakes and improve. Being in a relationship is something that can be practiced.

Without a long term goal with your loved one (such as kids but not limited to), do not expect a relationship to pass the 2 and 5 years crises.