Something that has helped me to be more empathetic, even though it's not directly related to listening per se: service. Find a service project that you can do. It's fine if it's in line with your technical aptitude, but maybe just make it some manual labor. Go out and mow a widow's lawn or volunteer some hours at a food bank or something. I've found that as I've done service in my neighborhood, it's translated into me being a more aware of what people's needs and wants are. Plus, you'll come away feeling good having done a nice thing. :)
Ask HN: How to build empathy?
91–100 of 174 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#92State the basics about the person. It can often help to give context about who they are in the time they're in.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#93Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…
Is that even true? I seriously can't relate. What is the point of "being heard"? And I don't think people would usually ask directly "can you suggest what I should do about this", they would consider it too demanding and perhaps they don't even know who could help them.
Well I cannot say whether or not it is true, but it certainly is for me. There is a lot of point to "being heard". Here is a short essay on giving advice that you may find interesting:
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-advise-wisely-how-to-giv...
Here is a section from that page: ----
2. Give them a rant window.
Oftentimes when people ask for advice, what they really want is to rehash something they can’t get off their mind—something they’ve probably talked about repeatedly to lots of different people (maybe even anyone who’d listen).
The best way to be a friend is to enable both what they want to do and what they need to do. Want: tell the story repeatedly, as if they can change how they feel if they just talk about it enough. Need: work through it and let it go. Tell them you’re there to listen to everything they need to say. Once they’ve gotten all out, you’d love to help them move on.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#94Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…
Is that even true? I seriously can't relate. What is the point of "being heard"? And I don't think people would usually ask directly "can you suggest what I should do about this", they would consider it too demanding and perhaps they don't even know who could help them.
I've dealt with this, my family was very providing so if you hinted at some problem they'd try to solve it. But I might just be shooting the shit, if I complain about the weather I'm just observing the hassles of everyday life. I've had to work on not repeating this mistake
Reminds me of this line from Stallman's rider: https://github.com/ddol/rre-rms/blob/fb39b3d0bc29805519a57ca...
When you start proposing solutions you're essentially assuming lots of information. Then you enter into an argument to clarify those assumptions. Continue listening & maybe relate, it depends, there's no real script, but when you propose a problem there's an implicit implication that it's simple, when it probably isn't, the person has probably thought about it more than you have in the last ten seconds, so if it were so simple they'd've dealt with it already. Not to say never offer advice, but try get a read on whether advice is being asked for. Seek to increase information rather than make assertions
edit: full disclosure, I struggle with being empathetic, so ymmv etc
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#95A major epiphany for me was realizing that when someone is talking about their problems they don’t necessarily want / need to hear solutions.
When a solution pops don’t say it until the person stops talking or asks « what would you do ». It worked for me well to improve my listening skills.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#96Earlier quoted context omitted.
Not everything humans do is based on a need. We are somewhat random as well and have wants that aren’t backed by anything more than the want itself. The essentialism above reminds me of Robert California’s “all life is sex” motto.
wants are wants because we imagine having the want fulfilled will ___________. what's your take on the blank?
Release dopamine. That’s not a need any more than buying a nice car is a need. It’s a want, and there is a difference. Needs are things required to survive; not buying a nice car will not kill you or anything like it.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#97Earlier quoted context omitted.
What you're hitting on is the difference between sympathy and empathy. Both have a role in helping people. "I'm sorry to hear that" = sympathy "It sounds like you're exhausted by that." = empathy Notice the noun in those sentences: first one is you, second one is them. What matters is what we say after those, too. There's a big difference between, "It sounds like you're exhausted that. [Solution proposal]" and "It so…
What if I don't think the person is "exhausted by that", but displays some other psychological issue, like blaming other people for their problems? Wouldn't that also be emphatic? I give that example because it is common for people to bond via complaining about stuff (like their bosses), which I think is a bad habit that leads to negative outcomes. And why are the people who just want to hear "I'm sorry" in the right…
> And why are the people who just want to hear "I'm sorry" in the right, and not the people who want to find solutions? Why do the people who don't want solutions get to make the rules?
it's a set of tools, not a set of moral imperatives. worrying about which conversation style is "correct" is not a practical way to approach social interactions.
unless the person is a close friend or their behavior is harming you somehow, just keep the negative feedback to yourself. just tell them your best guess at what they want to hear and move on.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#98Earlier quoted context omitted.
Is that even true? I seriously can't relate. What is the point of "being heard"? And I don't think people would usually ask directly "can you suggest what I should do about this", they would consider it too demanding and perhaps they don't even know who could help them.
Well I cannot say whether or not it is true, but it certainly is for me. There is a lot of point to "being heard". Here is a short essay on giving advice that you may find interesting: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-advise-wisely-how-to-giv... Here is a section from that page: ---- 2. Give them a rant window. Oftentimes when people ask for advice, what they really want is to rehash something they can’t get off t…
I remember from Chris Voss Masterclass about Negotiation (which I unfortunately did not really finish), that he simply repeated what the other person said, with a questioning tone. Like if they say "I feel tired", he would say "you feel tired?" and so on. And I think he would sometimes interpret what the other person said to frame their personality for them (I think he called that "labelling"). Like say some terrorists takes hostages to pressure to USA to stop using oil, he could say "it sounds like you are really concerned about climate change and the well being of people" - completely made up and he would do it better, but that way, he could make that person think of themselves as a caring person who is worried about people rather than as a terrorist who is prepared to shoot hostages to get their way.
I can relate to that, sort of, I just don't think one should be supposed to fake feeling sorry or other emotions.
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#99Doubt if any of this is useful, but personally
> How did you develop your listening skill?
I've somehow developed the skill to detect that the other person isn't asking for a solution and most of the time I just blank out and think about other stuff (lol) and give vague agreeable comments ... while not empathetic, people keep coming back to talk about their problems for some reason, so I guess it works out?
> How to be more empathetic?
No idea.
> What common failure modes do you hit in your relationships as a low empathy person?
Keep forgetting things that should be "obviously" important - anniversaries / courtesies etc
> How do you avoid them?
I don't! If needed I apologize, explain the situation from my viewpoint to show that it's not deliberate and usually others grow used to it :)
Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?
#100Try adopting an animal from a local shelter.
Anecdotally, for myself and others I've observed, it's a very effective way to consistently build empathy in one's self.
Prison systems in Nordic countries often combine labor with farm animal care to increase productivity and develop empathy at the same time.