Ask HN: How to build empathy? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#71

Post by nickjj » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:25 PM UTC

Do you feel like you're unempathetic in person to person conversations or only online?

I think it's a lot easier to come off as unempathetic online, especially only written text because lots of online discussions are asynchronous, plus there's so many subtle modes of communication that get lost. It's also really easy to forget that the person you're replying to is an actual human being with their own set of internal issues and loops of thought processes.

I think to become a good listener the biggest thing is to really be interested in what the other person is talking about instead of waiting for your turn to talk or dismiss the conversation all together. Realistically most folks tend to want to talk more than listen but if you're genuinely interested then this doesn't become a thing where you're internally wishing they stop talking so you can talk. Instead you look forward to them talking even more.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#72

Post by oji0hub » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:27 PM UTC

mdma

Edit: Seriously though...

Try to be helpful by chosing to see problems as something you and other people are solving together and focus on the solution. For example, rather than saying or thinking "this is wrong" or "you are wrong", think "we could improve this by...".

This has to be genuine. People sometimes lecture to make themselves feel smart. I mean _actually_ be helpful.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#73

Post by jtr1 » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:28 PM UTC

I think cultivating curiosity about others is integral to building empathy, but it's a lifelong practice. I still find it very easy to project my own experiences onto others - an easy shortcut that drains my interest in them and makes listening hard. After all, if I feel I already know what's important to know about them, why listen?

Where I've found the most personal growth has been in continually re-learning the strangeness of other people's inner worlds. I try to imagine each person I meet inhabits an alternate universe, just as rich and nuanced as I feel my own is. So a healthy spirit of exploration and generosity helps, although it requires treating yourself the same.

A good shorthand I heard a long time ago from someone else on HN: when someone is expressing a problem to you, consider it your job to build a picture of their mental state that you can repeat back to them and have them recognize as their own. Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#74

Post by cmrx64 » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:29 PM UTC

ironmagma wrote: post #68

andrei_says_ wrote: post #67

Use the nonviolent communication model: - recognize that anything we do is a strategy to meet one or more universal basic human needs which we do not control (e.g. safety, to matter, contribution, respect, play, sexual expression etc.) - recognize that how we do things depends on our experience and conditioning. Many of the strategies we have are suboptimal, or harmful, or meet some needs at the expense of others - a…

Not everything humans do is based on a need. We are somewhat random as well and have wants that aren’t backed by anything more than the want itself. The essentialism above reminds me of Robert California’s “all life is sex” motto.

wants are wants because we imagine having the want fulfilled will ___________. what's your take on the blank?

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#75

Post by arsalanb » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:36 PM UTC

highempathi wrote: post #31

As someone who sits at the opposite end (way to empathetic) I can share this: I read once that bending your neck down (like when you look at your phone) lowers empathy. So to raise empathy practice looking up. This sounds like bs at first to me but when you think about it there's probably something to it as you look down at people beneath you and up at people above you. I find those towards the bottom of totem poles…

How has being way too empathetic affected your life?

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#76

Post by psychiatrist24 » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:36 PM UTC

herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

Is that even true? I seriously can't relate. What is the point of "being heard"? And I don't think people would usually ask directly "can you suggest what I should do about this", they would consider it too demanding and perhaps they don't even know who could help them.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#77

Post by psychiatrist24 » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:38 PM UTC

mjwhansen wrote: post #30

break_the_bank wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is good advice though saying "I am sorry to hear that", seems a little shallow. I think I solutionize cause I care or maybe I just like problem solving. Though coming up with an answer instantly belittles their problem.

What you're hitting on is the difference between sympathy and empathy. Both have a role in helping people. "I'm sorry to hear that" = sympathy "It sounds like you're exhausted by that." = empathy Notice the noun in those sentences: first one is you, second one is them. What matters is what we say after those, too. There's a big difference between, "It sounds like you're exhausted that. [Solution proposal]" and "It so…

What if I don't think the person is "exhausted by that", but displays some other psychological issue, like blaming other people for their problems? Wouldn't that also be emphatic?

I give that example because it is common for people to bond via complaining about stuff (like their bosses), which I think is a bad habit that leads to negative outcomes.

And why are the people who just want to hear "I'm sorry" in the right, and not the people who want to find solutions? Why do the people who don't want solutions get to make the rules?

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#78

Post by jasonv » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:38 PM UTC

Don’t ignore the older wisdom traditions on this question, too. There won’t be a jolting answer in this thread, you may have to work over time for breakthroughs.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#79

Post by dorkwood » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:40 PM UTC

I'm not a naturally empathetic person, but people often rate me highly these days. All of my tricks come from Carl Rogers' book "Active Listening", where he teaches you the importance of making the other person feel understood.

The technique basically boils down to repeating back your understanding of the situation to the person, and attempting to identify what they must be feeling.

If you're like me, this won't come naturally. It will feel fake, and you'll be worried that the other person will see right through you and accuse you of trying to therapize them. In my experience, this doesn't happen. If you keep the tone conversational and curious, the other person will be none the wiser, and will be happy that someone is finally trying to understand them.

An example might be if someone says to you "ugh, they keep giving me all the work to do while everyone else sits around". A non-empathetic response might be something like "maybe you could try delegating some of your work to the others", which isn't really an effort to understand the situation better, and more than likely will make the other person defensive.

To practice active listening, the conversation could instead go something like:

B: "Damn, that sounds frustrating. You must be pretty annoyed at the others for getting a free ride"

A: "No, I mean, it's not even their fault. I think I did this to myself by trying so hard to get my work done quickly when I started here".

B: "Oh, right. So they've identified you as the competent one, and now they feel like they can give you the most work to do since you can handle it?"

A: "That's right."

B: "Yeah, that sounds like a tough spot to be in. It's hard to go back to a lesser workload once people think you can handle a lot."

A: "Exactly."

What you're looking for is the person to say some version of "exactly" to confirm that you've got it right. If you can get to "exactly", you'll have successfully empathized with the other person.

Test it out one day. Make a deal with yourself to have an entire conversation where you don't suggest solutions, and only try to get a solid understanding of the other person's situation and their emotional state. You can always satisfy the solutionizing part of your brain by going on HN and sending some comments into the void.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#80

Post by defnmacro » Sat, Mar 20, 2021, 7:41 PM UTC

The advice here is fairly practical but I think doesn't do much to encompass the premise of the question: which is how to you become more empathetic?

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. This is a complex skill because it requires 1) understanding and 2) the ability to share and engage with someone else's feelings.

To be more empathetic you need to understand why the person feels the way they do and this is often done through either shared experiences or insight into those feelings.

Reading can be a great way to become more empathetic as it exposes you to the thought patterns of another individual in the experience they choose to write about. So reading various books about people's experiences can give you a broader perspective about peoples reactions, feelings, and thoughts to events that have occurred in their lives. There's really no shortcut when it comes to reading, the best advice is to read alot about various different things from the first hand perspective of others.

Reading is just one way to understand people's shared experiences actually talking to a diverse set of people about their lives is another way to build this skill. As engineers we're generally not good at this but an example would be going to a bar asking about someone's life and just letting them speak as you listen. I'll also add its an amazing way to make friends and people are infinitely complex and seemingly "average" lives are filled with wonderful insights, experiences, and things to learn from.

The second part is being able to share and engage, this requires an understanding of your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If you lack the ability to understand how your feeling trying to understand someone else's feelings is generally moot.

If you have trouble engaging with your thought patterns or feelings CBT can be helpful as well as mindfulness.

When your able to understand your own emotions you'll more easily be able to understand other people's experiences as you'll more easily shift perspective of what your reaction would be to an experience someone else is having or had.

Empathy is a hard skill but extremely important for intrapersonal relationships and ultimately success and it is a skill which can wax and wane based on active practice. An example why empathy is important is a founder who is more empathetic will be able to understand customer pain points more accurately, creating a better product which more purposefully solves a problem.