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The biology of dads

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Re: The biology of dads

#71

Post by Spinnaker_ »

mqrs wrote: post #45
wsc981 wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My daughter is now 3.5 years old, but I can't say I experienced the same. I believe the future of my daughter is bright. I guess your anxiety could be based on the location where your living? I believe my daughter will be able to find plenty of great opportunities in her life and I'll be able to give her a very nice start compared to most people around where I live (Thailand). I have to admit I am also not worried fo…

> I am also not worried for things like covid and climate change Would you care to explain why?

I feel the same. All evidence points to Covid being far less dangerous to children. There are so many other things that are more likely to harm them. As far as climate change, I am worried in general, but I don't think there is anything specific about it that would harm her future. We live in Canada. There will be problems, but we will adapt and figure something out.

My parents lived through the most intense portions of the Cold War. The world could have ended at any moment. That is much more anxiety producing than climate change. And yet they made it through ok.

Honestly, a big concern is how my daughter will deal with things like social media. Young girls are self harming at unheard of rates. Depression and anxiety are through the roof. I don't know how to deal with this.

Re: The biology of dads

#72

Post by itronitron »

zero_deg_kevin wrote: post #2

Any ideas on how to get them to stick around after their kids are born? Asking for a friend.

Accept that there is a training process, some men are willing to take lessons from their partner and some aren't.

Also, regarding your friend's children... I know two adults who turned out to be very successful in life and in their careers despite having fathers that abandoned them at a young age.

Re: The biology of dads

#73

Post by onemoresoop »

carabiner wrote: post #49

I am so glad I had a vasectomy and that I never had kids. My life is unspoilt, and I celebrate it every day.

Obviously, to each their own. But what do you mean by your wife being unspoiled? The way you expressed yourself you make it sound like she's still a maiden.

Re: The biology of dads

#74

Post by brundolf »

I'd be curious to see a study on whether pet-parentship has some of the same chemical effects. Oxytocin obviously comes into it, and since having a dog I've found myself developing certain parental instincts. I had a realization the other day that for the first time in my life, I knew I would put myself in harm's way without a second thought if I had to.

Re: The biology of dads

#75

Post by bluedays »

bcrosby95 wrote: post #52
bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

If you have enough kids it's kinda a sink or swim moment: you learn to tune it out or go crazy. We have twin 2 year olds and a 5 year old. There's been periods of time where there's crying (by at least one of them) for most of the day. When you're 1 on 3 at these sorts of ages it's inevitable. When 1 starts crying in the car and the other 2 start crying because the crying is too loud, there's not much you can do but…

She's three now. I can definitely relate to the orange thing.

Re: The biology of dads

#76

Post by tacheiordache »

ksdale wrote: post #51
carabiner wrote: post #49

I am so glad I had a vasectomy and that I never had kids. My life is unspoilt, and I celebrate it every day.

Your perspective indicates perhaps a bit of spoil... I think it's totally fine to not want children but thinking of them as spoiling anything by their existence feels to me as profoundly wrong as thinking of... well, a person as spoiling anything by their existence.

Perhaps he was referring to something more physical as in her body being unspoiled. But I totally agree with you, nobody forces people to have children and the ones who have them by accident and hate it afterwards is clear they have not reached a maturity level or preparedness for being a parent and there's nothing wrong with it at all, people have choices. But ones who consider children spoils or as curses or burdens or thieves of their unmitigated freedoms they used to have prior, it's probably for the better to never have children for they would be neglected or maltreated one way or another.

Re: The biology of dads

#77

Post by softwaredoug »

Mmrnmhrm wrote: post #67
softwaredoug wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this only gets worse when they get older. A dangerous thing that can happen is when you over-identify with your kids. Like being the overbearing sports-parent that pushes their kid to succeed because you see it as an extension of your success. I think every parent runs into this to some degree. I have to remind myself they are different people with their own wants, needs, values, and criteria for what "success" means…

If you have any resources on how to manage anxiety please bring them on. My old son has a mild development impairment, I am the sole bread earner, and we have no family support (we live abroad). Anxiety is crippling me to the point of rupture.

Honestly, one of the biggest tools I think is in-person school. Which lets the kids get their own space and cultivate their own lives away from parents in a supportive place. Sadly that's been taken from us until Covid is resolved. It multiplies the anxiety quite a bit for everyone: kids & parents. It's hard for us not to be overbearing to our 9 year old about virtual school. It's hard on him, and he's frustrated. It's hard on us because it's time consuming...

Other than that, I strongly believe in paying well for good childcare and babysitting so you can take breaks.

I also believe in sharing your passions with your kids, and focusing on quality time rather than quantity or things that don't interest either of you. This can be surprising. My kids love camping, which surprised me. I love camping - my wife doesn't. My kids are meh on coding, they do it, but it doesn't grab them like it grabs me...

Focus your career choices carefully as your time on them is limited. I have found having kids, due to time crunch, has caused me to really focus more on what I really care about from work. Don't let others take advantage of you to do BS work, focus on what you want to do on a day-to-day basis that's fulfilling for you if you're able. I think sometimes parents fall into the trap of only focusing on $$ when really it's a good idea to focus on how much value you yourself are getting out of your more limited time investment

Re: The biology of dads

#78

Post by ohitsdom »

If you enjoy this, I'd recommend The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell and John Gray. A lot of really interesting material on being a dad and specifically parenting boys (but a lot of the benefit also extends to women obviously). At first the material felt a little too "men's rights!" to me, but there really are a significant amount of culture deficiencies in raising men to be fathers.

Re: The biology of dads

#79

Post by hi41 »

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

Re: The biology of dads

#80

Post by mysterydip »

bcrosby95 wrote: post #52
bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

If you have enough kids it's kinda a sink or swim moment: you learn to tune it out or go crazy. We have twin 2 year olds and a 5 year old. There's been periods of time where there's crying (by at least one of them) for most of the day. When you're 1 on 3 at these sorts of ages it's inevitable. When 1 starts crying in the car and the other 2 start crying because the crying is too loud, there's not much you can do but…

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I have a 5yo and twin 2yos myself and the dynamic between them drives me crazy sometimes.
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