Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Tell HN: Call Mom

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

221–230 of 243 posts

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#221

Post by dorkwood »

jklein11 wrote: post #189
dorkwood wrote: post #70

I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…

If you are the one choosing not to have a relationship with someone because of their political opinion you are the one who is wrong.

I agree! My original post was about not having very many things to talk about with my parents, especially if I was to start calling them multiple times per week. I still talk to them, it's just more like once per month.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#222

Post by dingaling »

rlt wrote: post #155
dorkwood wrote: post #70

I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…

I don't think most people would describe their relationship with their parents as a "best friend" type relationship. It's not that surprising you don't have much in common with them. How many other friends do you have their age? If you don't actually enjoy talking to them, I wouldn't frame it as an "obligation" or "duty", but whether you care about them. Especially as they get older, they may need someone to look out…

> imagine what it's like to raise a child you love more than anything in the world

Not all parents feel like that though. I have very little in common with my children and can't wait to have my own life back. Once they've flown the nest I doubt I'd appreciate them hassling me on Hallmark days.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#223

Post by xoxoy »

vinay427 wrote: post #140
xoxoy wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes we were sold on the nuclear family that has turned out quite disastrously

It's rather natural in most of the highly developed countries where people can afford to live separately from non-immediate generations. It's virtually the same in the European country I live in, and in both places elders often treasure the independence that they can have because they've grown up valuing a greater degree of individualism. I'm curious why you think nuclear families have turned out disastrously.

I found myself nodding throughout this piece https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuc...

Perhaps it a western thing not just American.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#224

Post by harisund »

axiom92 wrote: post #208
jelliclesfarm wrote: post #207

I hate collective kumbayas like this. Moms, dads, pets, god, children...birthdays, wedding days, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day...these celebrations are crude and unnecessary. If it’s something or someone one treasures, one ought to keep such celebrations about that private. Isn’t anything sacred anymore that it can’t be made into a hallmark card moment or be up on social media? There are so many people out there..An…

>Keep it private. No one cares. Or rather..no one should care. That is true freedom. This. I dare say I find it offensive that the post is asking me to do something that might very well be irrelevant, hurtful, useless, and all in all detrimental to my mental well being. I don't know why people generalize things like this.

Ahhh snow flake alert.

You find it offensive? Seriously ? If you are not the target audience, just move on man. Nobody's holding a gun to your head or threatening anything whatsoever if you don't call your mom. Did you really have to go make a post in a topic that doesn't interest you in anyway just to say I am offended ? Jeez ...

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#225

Post by harisund »

fsloth wrote: post #182
lonelappde wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't see why being addicted or suicidal makes someone unworthy of love.

That's something you would say in a sermon to a crowd. Not to an addict and certainly not to their loved ones. See, you are on the one hand saying the addict is fine doing whatever it is they are, and on the other hand you are shaming the loved ones of the addict into a position of never giving up on him/her. All of that will just make things worse for all parties. You see, the addict, after a point, does not really…

The problem is you assuming love is a reciprocal relationship. If you don't want to love someone, fine, by all means don't. But please don't go about preaching addicts don't need love

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#226

Post by jelliclesfarm »

throwawayaloo wrote: post #137

I can relate to some of the grief that people have with mothers that didn't fit the stereotype. I'm one of them: I know mom loves me (or at least I'd like to tell myself that) but she's been abusive to me and my siblings in ways that few can imagine. We've tried our best with interventions, but nothing really helps. Here's how it's different for me: I'm a practising Muslim and there's strong exhortation in the religi…

I find most mothers(yes, I am generalizing) manipulative and toxic. I think going through the traumatic process of biological procreation does something to their psyche and damages them forever. Like PTSD. And they don’t get help. They get Mothers Day cards and flowers instead.

Different women deal with it differently. The glorification of motherhood and the enormous pressure on ‘being a good mom’ and creating gods from mere mortals is only making things worse.

Women would benefit enormously physically and mentally and spiritually if..as a society..we stop gaslighting half the human species into believing that what women have to go through physically is ‘normal’ and glorious because honestly that’s the only way they’d continue to keep getting pregnant and having more babies. Of course, physically, hormones also conspire against them creating an addiction with happy chemicals and endorphins and oxytocin and dopamine etc. But that’s nature. But nature doesn’t have Hallmark moments. It’s evolution.

I am not a feminist in the traditional sense. I dont think women are ‘equal’ to men due to evolution. Our collective biological evolution has made the female of our species superior due to their higher ability to perpetuate humanity as a species, but it has also made one gender biologically weak and vulnerable. Fix that. A true feminist would want to fix that and hack biology and evolution so we are truly equal. Everything else is fluff.

Having said all that..it is always a good thing to respect and love your elders and parents. After all, they are you and you are them. If you are your DNA, an unbroken chain of code...your source code must be treasured and thanked. It’s not going to be perfect but it’s key to understanding yourself and especially when you want to replicate that code.

But it doesn’t have to a mass ‘celebration’ of one day in a year that has become a caricature of sorts rather than anything meaningful.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#227

Post by supercowpowers »

kerkeslager wrote: post #151
dorkwood wrote: post #70

I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…

It shouldn't be a surprise that the same culture that brought us deplatforming and canceling, would bring us cutting out your parents because you disagree with their politics. Do it for yourself. Your parents are a huge part of your psyche: they made you--100% in a genetic sense, and in most cases they made a lot of your personality traits by the way they raised you. And they made you in their image, because they cou…

And this is why I enjoy Hacker News.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#228

Post by kerkeslager »

tempestn wrote: post #165
kerkeslager wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It shouldn't be a surprise that the same culture that brought us deplatforming and canceling, would bring us cutting out your parents because you disagree with their politics. Do it for yourself. Your parents are a huge part of your psyche: they made you--100% in a genetic sense, and in most cases they made a lot of your personality traits by the way they raised you. And they made you in their image, because they cou…

> explain to them patiently why their views are wrong Good luck with that. Best I think is reasonable to hope for with that much of a gulf is to model the attitudes you believe in, and hope the other person eventually comes around. Don't think anyone with radical views has ever been convinced by someone explaining - calmly or otherwise - why they're wrong. As to the OP's question of whether he's obligated to talk to…

> Don't think anyone with radical views has ever been convinced by someone explaining - calmly or otherwise - why they're wrong.

Well, I can disprove that: me. I grew up with some pretty homophobic views, and due to some very patient people in my life, I realized I was wrong. And I've had similar conversations with other people and seen their views change over time.

> As to the OP's question of whether he's obligated to talk to his father, with whom he shares no interests and disagrees on strongly-held beliefs, multiple times per week. My answer would be a hard no, but that's far from cutting him out of his life.

I don't think there's any obligation.

> I agree with you that it's emotionally beneficial to have a connection with your parents where possible, and that OP could try to have contact with his dad. But forcing it on a very regular basis when it's unpleasant and uncomfortable seems counter-productive.

There's a range of unpleasantness and discomfort, and I think some level of both is a necessary part of growth. If every conversation turns into a screaming match--sure that's counterproductive. But if you're at a point in your life when you can handle disagreement in a healthy way, disagreement doesn't need to be avoided.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#229

Post by kerkeslager »

RangerScience wrote: post #167
kerkeslager wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It shouldn't be a surprise that the same culture that brought us deplatforming and canceling, would bring us cutting out your parents because you disagree with their politics. Do it for yourself. Your parents are a huge part of your psyche: they made you--100% in a genetic sense, and in most cases they made a lot of your personality traits by the way they raised you. And they made you in their image, because they cou…

As a friend puts it (and in the most extreme cases) "genocide is not an opinion." As I understand it, the most common reason to cut your parents out of your life for "political differences" is when those "differences" are beliefs of theirs that lead to them considering categories of people that you are or care about to be less-than. That crosses a line from "politics" to "bigotry". The next major chunk I'm aware of i…

> As I understand it, the most common reason to cut your parents out of your life for "political differences" is when those "differences" are beliefs of theirs that lead to them considering categories of people that you are or care about to be less-than. That crosses a line from "politics" to "bigotry".

Yeah, but bigots are still people. And I have faith in people. Bigots can and do become not-bigots.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#230

Post by kerkeslager »

albedoa wrote: post #201
burgerzzz wrote: post #196

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I guess it's "extremely reasonable" as long as you're extremely comfortable living in a box, only accepting viewpoints that align with your own, and to hell with everyone, including your family who don't agree with YOU. Because when it comes down to it, it's not about them, it's about you.

We are talking about "radical views" here, not simply "viewpoints that don't align with our own". It's bizarre that you think those are the same.

What's the difference?
Post reply on HN