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Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#241

Post by climb_stealth »

gonehome wrote: post #230
climb_stealth wrote: post #221

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> How do you do find someone good that you trust? How do you find someone worth the time? In my experience the best way to find someone is through recommendations. Find someone with a good therapist, and contact the therapist for recommendations. They usually know other people in the field that work with a similar approach. I feel CBT only works with simple issues. For trauma and deep running issues I would suggest f…

I'm in the bay area - this seems like the best option. The difficulty is either I don't know anyone my age that has one or it's still taboo for men to talk about so people don't. I'd guess it's a combination of both. The only people I've known personally who see a therapist are women (and from that small sample they don't want you to see their same person). I think men tend to rely entirely on their SO which is proba…

> The only people I've known personally who see a therapist are women (and from that small sample they don't want you to see their same person).

Which is fair enough. That's why I'm suggesting to not get their therapist's details to see the same person, but to get a recommendation from the therapist. Hopefully that would alleviate their concerns.

AFAIK a good therapist will not see people who are too close to each other anyway as there can be a bias on the therapist's side due to the close relationship. For example doing both couple and individual therapy with the same therapist is not a good idea.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#242

Post by ebj73 »

I have at least one close relative that I believe qualifies as a narcissist. My personal conclusion is that it's sort of a trait that you're born with. I think it relates to a lacking ability to pick up on the subtle social cues that other people send out. Most people can read those signals pretty well, while others cannot. I think, if you cannot read the subtle signals that people are sending out, and if you cannot intuitively pick up on how other people feel, then neither can you respond or react to it in an adequate manner. These are my thoughts after dealing with the said type of personality for quite some years now.

If it's at all treatable, I'd suggest training yourself in picking up on the subtler types of social cues and signals that other people send out. Like Sheldon does in Big Bang Theory, even if that's a bit of a parody.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#243

Post by calebm »

happimess wrote: post #205
austincheney wrote: post #124

Perhaps the closest opposite to narcissism is humility. One way to really experience humility is to inject yourself into something truly foreign where money is an insufficient remedy. I don't know what that humbling experience will be for you. For me it was living in Afghanistan for 2 years, of which one of those years I traveled frequently and spoke with many people there. It doesn't matter how much money you make a…

IANAN, but living abroad when I was about 25 really improved my humility. I'm used to being quick-witted, knowledgable, and generally good with people. When I got to a place where English is not the default language, I was essentially an idiot---I was confused a lot, unable to make jokes, and little kids laughed at my attempts to, say, order a gyro. It all clicked when I was lamenting it to my girlfriend, who said (w…

A lion doesn't have to tell anyone he's a lion.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#244

Post by kempbellt »

texasbigdata wrote: post #73
smartquestion wrote: post #70

I'm not surprised that the literature on narcissism isn't helping you, because looking for books to help overcome your narcissism is the last thing a real narcissist would do. In their world view, the problem is always everyone else. It sounds more like you're growing, and learning something about how your ego operates, which is a good sign. The question is how to grow further in this direction. In my life, the thing…

I went to my therapist once and said "I have terrible news, according to this book on narcissism, 8 of the 13 symptoms apply. I'm totally one. How can I fix it? Is it fixable?" And she smiled and said..."a real narcissist would never ask that."

That's the snarky wit of a great therapist healing you of your worry in a single sentence.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#245

Post by burnt_toast »

austincheney wrote: post #237
yingw787 wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Woahhh you lived in Afghanistan? That’s really cool! Is there anywhere I can read about your experience there / contact to talk more?

Its easier if I just write it here. From July 2009-2010 I deployed to a unit in Kuwait and forward deployed to Afghanistan as part of a 2 person information assurance review team. We traveled around the country and visited the major, and some minor, US Army bases to perform friendly audits to improve the information security posture of the installations on the ground. We were constantly traveling. I think I went on 2…

Just wanted to say that that was a really enjoyable read. Thanks for taking the time to type it out.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#246

Post by msaltz »

Dragonai wrote: post #150
msaltz wrote: post #67

Despite the goofy name of the site, I found this article to be really eye-opening and helpful for me a few years ago when I had a similar realization: https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-art-of-conversat... It has tips for changing conversation patterns to avoid conversational narcissism.

Thanks so much for linking this - for a long time, I've been observing all of these various types of responses in the conversations I've had over the years, but never consciously named/categorized them to this extent. I've only ever mentally filed away bits and pieces about correlations between someone's responses and their personality. I really like how this article breaks it down.

Glad you enjoyed it :)

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#247

Post by ItsMattyG »

tomnipotent wrote: post #119
melbourne_mat wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm going to counter the "therapists are great" theme that I'm seeing here. I think they're a waste of money. Cognitive behavioural therapy is a great tool. With practise and courage you can use it to reform the way you think. It won't fix something like schizophrenia but it might be useful for a narcissist who wants to change.

> It won't fix something like schizophrenia Your comment is terribly unhelpful. Therapy isn't about "fixing" someone, but to help individuals with issues that negatively affect their life find opportunities to manage those issues. CBT is not something you can start doing by yourself without an external catalyst. I have ADHD, OCD, and bipolar II along with recurring bouts of PTSD from a terribly traumatic childhood. W…

> CBT is not something you can start doing by yourself without an external catalyst.

Sure it is. Self-therapy is useful, getting a therapist is useful.

Why is everyone shitting on other people's vibe?

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#248

Post by vanderZwan »

stonogo wrote: post #208
vanderZwan wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The original comment mentioned rational minds, which is relying on neither of those things.

Rational was an adjective. If you think that "rationality" is some objective feature that humanity can separate from emotions, you are deluded.

This reply somehow gets and misses what I was trying to get at.

No, of course I don't believe rationality is like that. The implicit point was that many people in tech do have an attitude like this. They overvalue their "objective" rational reasoning, ironically due to irrational needs.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#249

Post by zozbot234 »

darrelld wrote: post #186
austincheney wrote: post #124

Perhaps the closest opposite to narcissism is humility. One way to really experience humility is to inject yourself into something truly foreign where money is an insufficient remedy. I don't know what that humbling experience will be for you. For me it was living in Afghanistan for 2 years, of which one of those years I traveled frequently and spoke with many people there. It doesn't matter how much money you make a…

Sorry but no. This will not fix narcissism. Narcissists are broken people incapable of self-reflection and everything centers around them. They see everything in the world as being put here for their enjoyment. They thrive off of attention (negative or positive) and it's the only time they feel alive.

Smart people with narcissistic/dark-triad traits can practice self-reflection and seeing things from a less self-centered POV. It's just less natural to them, but they can learn to do it. They "just" have to convince themselves that it's a good idea - which is where the "smarts" factor comes in.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#250

Post by mrburton »

I'm too good to have narcissism!

Honestly, I think the best way to deal with that is knowing you're not prefect, you're not the opinions of others and you don't need to be the best. You just need to be a better version of you. Learn to love yourself and this all becomes a lot easier.

That's just my personal opinion.

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