Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

How To Make Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie

There's an audiobook, too.

Introspection is the most important first step. You can get a psychological evaluation to determine if you actually have a clinical disorder or you are high on the narcissistic spectrum.

In the meantime, do you recognize yourself in any of the listed traits on the following website? https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/...

I found it enlightening to learn about the term 'narcissistic supply' (search for Sam Vaknin, he has a website and a youtube channel).

I think you should start donating some amount to helping others. Maybe that might help combine with what others have said here, regarding seeing a therapist, picking up a book. Try doing community service or volunteer work.

There's a few psychotherapy podcasts with episodes on narcissism. It's rare for malignant narcissists themselves to seek out therapy to help themselves so most resources are organized with how to deal with the narcissists in your life. But you should read them because if you can empathize with the other side and reflect on yourself, that would bring down your narcissistic tendencies. In general you should practice empathy, perspective taking and develop genuine curiosity in other people.

A true narcissist is by definition someone who wouldn't care or think anything is wrong or want to change, so you may have strong narcissist traits that you can work at reducing them.

Narcissists are people who are addicted to or are dependent on feeling special. See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqV_QIvDeqA

Also the book, "Rethinking Narcissism" is probably worth reading.

I'm not surprised that the literature on narcissism isn't helping you, because looking for books to help overcome your narcissism is the last thing a real narcissist would do. In their world view, the problem is always everyone else. It sounds more like you're growing, and learning something about how your ego operates, which is a good sign.

The question is how to grow further in this direction. In my life, the thing that has helped the most with this so far is the practice of self-observation as taught by certain spiritual traditions. Here's a brief summary: when you observe how you react to things internally, especially if you can observe it neutrally and without judgment, you begin to see a lot about how you've been treating other people and why. The magic is that it then changes on its own, without you having to do anything extra. Self-awareness and self-honesty are the only ingredients you have to add. That's fortunate, because self-honesty is already a lot. We have a strong tendency to lie to ourselves, rationalize, and excuse nearly everything. On the plus side, the more that dissolves, the easier it gets to be with yourself. Self-observation is the solvent.

If this approach interests you, one thing you might take a look at is the books of Vernon Howard. (Don't be put off by their titles. The contents are serious.) If you're sincere about self-work, they provide the clearest explanation that I've run across. Self-observation is, of course, a classical spiritual teaching, but Howard distilled it into modern language in a way that is extremely direct and does not ask you to take on any belief (e.g. any religious belief). The main thing that makes his writing different from so much other self-help material is that he does not flatter or coddle the reader. He gives it to you straight.

I also agree with the commenters who suggest working with a therapist, because the ego behaviors you're asking about are typically rooted in past painful experiences that created a need in us to armor ourselves against future pain. Self-work seems to require journeying back into those realms in order to heal. Then you can let go of your selfish behaviors because you just don't need them anymore, just like you wouldn't wear a heavy suit of armor once you no longer feel it's necessary. What doesn't work, in my experience, is trying to be less selfish only in a rational or ethical way. That approach amounts to imposing a censorship layer on top of what you actually feel, which is a form of self-deception which only puts more weight on you and eventually collapses.

The thing to watch out for in finding a therapist is the personal connection between you and them. The method matters less than the personal connection.

More generally, there are so many good suggestions in this thread that you should probably pick the ones that have the most energy for you and give them a try. Your sincerity is really the thing that will change this for you, so do what feels most inspiring.