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Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#201

Post by jakoblorz »

darrelld wrote: post #169

If you suspect that you're a narcissist, then you probably aren't one. True narcissists won't even have the thought cross their mind or see it as something to fix. They think they are perfect in every way. To admit to imperfection would shatter their sense of self and that is something they must protect at all costs. They can't see how their behavior affects others. They are God's gift to us in their minds. You're pr…

While I can see OP's points, I think it is never a good idea to tell someone "just do xy" in a psychological context

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#202

Post by ninjakeyboard »

Meditation + psychedelics? If you have a strong intention to change, it's pretty left field but I'd consider taking that intention to peru and drinking ayahuasca at a retreat. The effort poured into meditation will help you become aware of your behaviours and why they are there, which is the starting point - accepting that you have the problem rather than pushing it out onto people around you. I believe that's a great place to start and that from there you can make some progress.

There is often anxiety or fear underlying many pathological traits, and there is lots of new research showing lasting changes from a single moderate to high dose psilocyn administration for example https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5367557/

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#203

Post by krick »

slumdev wrote: post #86
drinfinity wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Broken heart Broken leg Blindness Losing a child Having a low (or too high) IQ Having severe mental disorder(s)

This is what happens when you run country music through lossy compression.

Ok, this was funny.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#204

Post by halfnormalform »

1000units wrote: post #103
drinfinity wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Broken heart Broken leg Blindness Losing a child Having a low (or too high) IQ Having severe mental disorder(s)

There's no such thing as an IQ too high. This is always some other problem like anxiety.

Unless you're trying to be a police officer in the USA, then an IQ too high is absolutely a real thing.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#205

Post by happimess »

austincheney wrote: post #124

Perhaps the closest opposite to narcissism is humility. One way to really experience humility is to inject yourself into something truly foreign where money is an insufficient remedy. I don't know what that humbling experience will be for you. For me it was living in Afghanistan for 2 years, of which one of those years I traveled frequently and spoke with many people there. It doesn't matter how much money you make a…

IANAN, but living abroad when I was about 25 really improved my humility. I'm used to being quick-witted, knowledgable, and generally good with people. When I got to a place where English is not the default language, I was essentially an idiot---I was confused a lot, unable to make jokes, and little kids laughed at my attempts to, say, order a gyro.

It all clicked when I was lamenting it to my girlfriend, who said (with real affection), "well, how much of what you say is actually valuable?" Right then I realized how much of my time I spent trying to convince people how quick-witted, knowledgable, and easy with people I am.

Now I talk less, let jokes (even good jokes!) go unsaid, and am better with people.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#206

Post by zerkten »

gonehome wrote: post #117
ggambetta wrote: post #15

Seeing a therapist might be infinitely better than reading a book, and not just for narcissism. We're all broken in our own wonderful and unique ways. I've been seeing a therapist for 5 years now, and the positive impact this has had in my life and on my general self-awareness can't be overstated. As engineers and tech people we have one tool that has proven incredible useful in our careers: our brilliant rational mi…

People say this a lot, but it never seems very actionable. How do you do find someone good that you trust? How do you find someone worth the time? The couple of times I've tried to find someone you end up making a lot of unreturned phone calls. Maybe I have an unfairly negative impression of therapists - I both think that it's incredibly valuable to introspect and have someone smart and thoughtful to work things out…

It's challenging to give specific advice on this while respecting privacy. On a site like Reddit with PM you might be able to discern that someone has an issue, is located close to you, you know a therapist, and then create a throwaway account to PM them.

These challenges are deeply personal, so finding the right person is challenging. There are lot of therapists with different qualifications and experience. People seem to study psychology, do whatever qualifications they need, and start as a therapist, but the experience part is a challenge.

I don't think this challenge is much different from finding mentors. In fact, it's probably better because it's a discrete financial transaction and the conversations are protected. Finding mentors during your career, if you don't have them directly in your workplace, can be really problematic. You have few protections, and little ability to build up trust, until you've invested time building up trust.

When it comes to men (probably the majority) on HN there are also a number of specific issues which affect take up of therapy. That's after the cost issues which affect everyone. If someone is in some countries they may have little, or no availability of certain kinds of therapy.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#207

Post by sixo »

simonw wrote: post #120

I wonder if improv classes might help? I've been taking improv recently and I've found it to be extremely interesting from the POV of learning to pay more attention to other people. The core to learning improv is learning how NOT to be the center of attention. Everything is about supporting your team-mates: you have to pay extremely close attention to what they are doing and look for ways to give them further opportu…

A good roleplaying game might be have a similar effect in a more comfortable setting (for some).

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#208

Post by stonogo »

vanderZwan wrote: post #56
vorpalhex wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Emotional intelligence and empathy are still part of the mind.

The original comment mentioned rational minds, which is relying on neither of those things.

Rational was an adjective. If you think that "rationality" is some objective feature that humanity can separate from emotions, you are deluded.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#209

Post by Domenic_S »

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #196
Domenic_S wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Look at how he frames the question -- "I talk too much...", "I don't enjoy...", "I tend to judge...", "I have an inflated ego..." He doesn't think about his behavior in relation to other people. To the narcissist, other people are simply background actors in the movie that is their life. Why does this matter? Well, if you were living on a deserted island, would it matter if you were a narcissist? When he talks about…

I understand, but the whole subtext is that he's taking responsibility, and not blaming other people, something narcissists can't do.

That's the trick: it seems that way, but really it's a trap/defense against change. Narcissists are very, very good at seeming to others like they want to fix something about themselves, all the while digging themselves in deeper because deep down they don't really think something is wrong.

He says "I tend to judge situations only from my perspective" -- and then proceeds to write this very public post completely from only his own perspective. In another context we could call that lack of insight but for the narcissist it's a feature, not a bug.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#210

Post by BiteCode_dev »

austincheney wrote: post #124

Perhaps the closest opposite to narcissism is humility. One way to really experience humility is to inject yourself into something truly foreign where money is an insufficient remedy. I don't know what that humbling experience will be for you. For me it was living in Afghanistan for 2 years, of which one of those years I traveled frequently and spoke with many people there. It doesn't matter how much money you make a…

Did that in Mali. It did give me perspective after 2 years, but it didn't fix my narcissism. Just made me more tolerant to incomfort, and made me enjoy civilization more.
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